AIBU or is my partners ex

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

Just to start, my bonus child has a full wardrobe at our house, coats, dresses loads of shoes at ours so wouldn’t go without.

So we have overnight visits every second weekend sat 1pm-sun6pm and her mum usually packs a little bag for her (completely unnecessary as she has everything she needs at ours anyway) ex refuses to return clothes from our house if she goes home in them meaning we always send her home in outfits from mums as nothing comes back that’s from our house.

my partners ex has started demanding that we wash the outfit from Saturday and dress bonus child in it on a Sunday for pick up as she doesn’t want to pack a bag for her anymore (leaving very little turn around to actually wash and dry it, 9pm bedtime and out the house for 10am Sunday for swimming lessons). We’ve always sent what she was sent in back home with her until last weekend when I forgot to pack her cardigan from the Saturday), bonus child is 5 and we have a 2 month old baby as well so it’s a little chaotic sometimes!)
we do all pickups and drop off (ex moved to a location 40 minutes away when they broke up) and it feels like my partners ex is just trying to make it more difficult.

I would have no issue washing the clothes and sending them back the next weekend I just think my partners ex is being unreasonable expecting the outfit to be washed and dried from Saturday night to Sunday. last thing I want to do it get the baby sorted get bonus child to bed then have to go stick on a wash at 8/9 a Saturday night and get it on the radiators and keep the heating on a decent temp overnight all because mum is demanding it be the same outfit she’s returned in.

AIBU if I refuse to do this?

Here is what I would do. Send her home in an outfit from your house And then keep what she wore. Them next week send her home in last week's outfit. Just keep doing that. She can't send her to you naked.

I'm detecting something unsaid here. You say the ex doesn't have to pack a bag but you also say you refuse to send Bonus Child (BC) home in any of the wardrobe full of clothes at your house as they don't come back.

Surely, BC wears one outfit to you on a Saturday and whatever happens in the inbetween, another outfit home on a Sunday. Isn't that one outfit in, one outfit out? So the wardrobe full of clothes you have for her might alternate around over time but if they're all her clothes, and you ultimately have the same number of outfits for her, then I don't understand how this is an issue?

Her request sounds unreasonable but actually i think Y might be BU because it sounds like what's happening here is she's turning up to clothes from the ex's home, you're refusing to dress her in clothes from your house, so ex is left with washing from BC's weekend with you every time, which isn't very fair.

No, he refers to her as his daughter it’s just she’s my step daughter and when people refer to her as my daughter in public she prefers it when I let them know that I’m not her mum so I use bonus child when talking about her online or if people call me her mum not realising

🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️

I'd just put her in something you're ok with not getting back, Wash her clothes from her mums in the week (when it suits your washing cycle) and do that each week, so you're sending 'her' clothes back, just the following week. It's ridiculous expecting you should wash & dry her clothes overnight. Wouldn't be hopping here! I'm not afraid to say 'No' to ridiculous requests or demands!!

Hope you get more time with her soon!!

Get her changed when she arrives at yours or pop her back in her mums clothes after swimming.
They won't be dirty from a mornings wear

I think this is all for your partner to handle.

Of course his exh can’t make him send things back the same weekend rather than the following one - why doesn’t he just say that’s what he’s going to do?

I’d take a big step back from doing anything about it at all.

I also don’t like the term “bonus-child” - she’s your partner’s child, and his ex’s child. She their precious child, not anyone’s bonus.

She’s your step-child. Which is a perfectly close and important relationship without having to mess about with the terminology.

My kids go to their dad's in clothes from my house. And change when there. They then Wear the clothes back home that I sent them in. Sometimes they come back in clothes from their dad's so we end up sort of swapping. It's really a non issue.

I’d guess your partner’s ex is bitter and trying to make things difficult as it’s probably all still fresh (child only 5). I feel sorry for her, you, the child and (possibly) your partner. Very tough situation

@TheSunnyLemonShark

Bonus Child is lovely.

her mum packs an outfit for her to wear on Sunday along with pyjamas (these go back clean) and to come home in on Sunday (she never sends anything back that is originally from ours so we started sending her back in her 2nd day outfits from mums as we weren’t getting anything back) ex demands all outfits from her house are sent back to her but she no longer wants to pack a bag so thinks we should just wash the outfit from the Saturday to send her home in from the Sunday

the clothes are all bought from similar places and are all in good condition as well so it would be so much easier to just have a back and forth but partners ex isn’t interested in doing that

Honestly, change her when she gets to you. Let her get muddy whatever and change her back in her DM house clothes UNWASHED to go home.

fuck the DM, she doesn’t get to make you all jump through hoops

shame on her.

This

and bonus child - wtf?

Just send her back home in the clothes she came in . The pj's she's sending . Leave in the bag unused they also go back with her. And her mum can do the washing

Considering it sounds like don’t have a tumble dryer it’s completely reasonable to say you can’t send her home in the same outfit the next day. I would say you will send her home each Sunday in the last week’s outfit, so that you have a week to wash and dry it. That will mean this next weekend her mum will either have to pack her an extra outfit or you’ll have to send her home in something from your house (I guess something you don’t mind not seeing again) but after that first week it should work as a system as you’ll always have an outfit from the last weekend for the next.

Or alternatively get her to change out of the outfit her mum sends her to you in as soon as she gets to yours at 1pm and then change her back into her just before you send her home so it doesn’t get dirty and you don’t need to wash it!

I'm confused

BC arrives on Sat in outfit
Sleeps overnight in PJs
BC leaves on Sun in same outfit

Why are you washing it between Saturday and Sunday every time? Is it so dirty you can't send her home in it?

Agree said much clearer than me.

When does she ever wear the 'full wardrobe' worth of clothes at your house?

Does your partner pay maintenance? Maybe the mum is annoyed that he doesn't or annoyed that he doesn't pay enough so that's why she doesn't return the clothes from your house?

Sounds like she's being petty in response to your pettiness, maybe the daughter wants to keep the clothes at her mums as she gets more wear out of them then? Why do they have to be returned?

Does it really matter if they're not returned to you seeing as they're still with the daughter and the daughter arrives to you fully clothed and with extra clothes?

Also hate the term 'bonus child' too.

WTF?
Bonus child?

There’s got to be a massive backstory here. For a court to have specifically ordered that your boyfriend only has contact for one overnight every fortnight sounds as though there have been concerns about his parenting. This and the “entire wardrobe of clothes” for a child he barely sees sort of hangs together to imply DC’s mum might have an entirely different post to write about why she’s supposedly “difficult.”

Usually, she’s only 5 and is a dirt magnet 😂 mum packs her a clean outfit for the Sunday but she’ll usually wear something from her wardrobe at ours on a Sunday then get changed into whatever mums packed her before she goes home, mum no longer wants to pack a bag so thinks we should wash her clothes on a Saturday for her to wear again on the Sunday and she should be returned in same outfit she arrived in

if we sent them home overly soiled or constantly didn’t return clothes I would absolutely understand her point but they go home in a reasonable state (sometimes washed if they have been really dirty) and apart from the one cardigan everything from mums house always returns back to hers

I'm finding it hard to make sense of this situation. Washing a tiny set of clothes belonging to a small child once a fortnight can't be much trouble for anyone really. And it doesn't make much sense for a five year old to keep lots of clothes just for visits to you, as she'll grow out of them every few months.
Strange that lawyers have an opinion on this, is it the US?
Wouldn't it be easier to let her go home in some of the clothes she keeps at your house?

@Proseccoh has the right idea, absolutely @TheSunnyLemonShark fret no more.

"I would let her get changed as soon as you got her, into your clothes, then just before she goes home she can change into mums clothes again. Before you know it she'll be a teenager and won't want to visit you all anyway"

If the outfit is dirty at all, then it should be washed.

Why do you have such an issue with the clothes from your house not being returned to your house though seeing as she's rarely there?

Would it not make more sense for your partner to just buy the daughter clothes which she can wear whenever she wants rather than them all being kept at yours?