Is DD weird?

[pastaalover]

My DD who is 13 has been told she is weird by her friends because she showers every 2 days. Compared to her friends showering once some nearly twice a day. They said that she should shower once a day because she is dirty if she doesn't. Naturally this has made her upset and she doesn't want to go to school as she is scared of what they may say. I want to know if she is weird or her friends are being unreasonable.

Obviously that's not a kind thing to say. Does your dd smell? If not then it's fine I would have thought.

She doesn't smell. She uses deodorant, body spray etc. That is why I am confused as to why they are saying this

I don't think she's weird. Her friends aren't very nice though.
Having said that, it depends how active she is. Does she play sports? Is she washing on the days she doesn't shower? Wearing clean clothes?
My daughter did shower daily at that age, puberty meant she was very aware of her cleanliness and I think that's typical.

When you are a teenager, being different in any way is just latched onto as something that sets you apart. If both you and she are happy with every second day and she's not doing sports (for example) on the non-shower days, I don't see the issue really. It's not that unusual. Heck when we were teens, we'd have a wash every day but showers were a lot less often, probably twice a week! One bathroom, 4 kids, no chance of a shower every morning.

Well the fact people have commented on it surely rings a bell that it is unusual not to shower daily.
At 13 I imagine she is starting to smell a bit funky on day two, rather than her missing school can't she just have a daily shower?

It’s not weird at all if she doesn’t smell, but I’m a bit confused why her first reaction is she doesn’t want to go to school instead of saying she wants to start showing every day purely to fit in. Can she just tell them a white lie to shut them up - maybe she gets eczema and when she has a flare up she can’t shower every day. It’s a weird thing for her friends to get hung up over - I can’t say we ever discussed shower habits when I was at school.

Of course she isn't.

Well, not for that, I mean, I don't know her, she might be weird, but her washing routine isn't.

I wouldn't say weird, not a nice thing to say. I would encourage her to shower daily though.

They’re saying it because they are teens and what your daughter is doing is different to what they are doing. If she doesn’t need to shower everyday then fair enough - I’d just tell the friends that she does shower everyday now

She plays football three times a week and showers on those days. She also wears new shirts to school everyday except on Friday as she only has 4 shirts and there are 5 days in a week. So she just reuses a shirt on Friday.

My sporty 13 doesn’t smell after not showering for 2 days, nor did her elder brother at that age. Some people don’t stink!
Her friends sound horrible.

If she doesn't smell and doesn't get greasy hair then she doesn't need to shower daily and every other day is fine.

I assume she had a quick wash?

Keep an eye out for puberty hitting harder and then she'll need to shower daily.

They're saying it either:
A) Because they're teenagers and anything outwith group behaviour and norms is fair game for comment and teasing.
B) They're trying to tell your DD that she smells and needs to wash more often. You're her mum, maybe you can't smell it.

At that age, I used to have a bath every 12 hours 😂

@pastaalover I think nothing is amiss with your DD‘s shower habits. Daily showers aren’t actually good for your skin as it takes the protective layer off. What do you think people did when they didn’t have hot shower facilities 70-80 years ago - they used to wash or rinse if needed but they didn’t necessarily smell.

kids can be unkind to each other so I‘d tell your DD to just nod and smile and let those girls find someone else to pick on.

I'd be concerned about her friends as they don't sound like friends at all. They sound like bullies. Friends are nice to you, they don't call you a weirdo and upset you so much you don't want to go to school.

Girls that age have a weird obsession with who is the most clean, I remember this happening when I was in school, and when DD was that age too. I distinctly remember my friend saying she didn't shower every day and she got berated, I didn't have the guts to stand up for her and didn't dare admit I also didn't shower every day. Your DD is definitely not the only one that doesn't shower daily.
What I have found though is some cultures do (a lot of afro Carribbean people especially, daily or 2x daily is the norm) and it is very much a cultural difference.

"Weird" is the kids' word for anything out of the norm.
A daily shower at 13 is the norm.
Why would you not tell your daughter to shower more often? Deodorant is not a replacement for washing.

This. The showering is a red herring.

I'd start showering daily as I'd feel those 'friends' would be the first to comment if I smelled.

Most people I know do shower daily. It takes ten minutes. I'd encourage.

Is there an issue that your daughter doesn't like the shower? Too cold? Fear of privacy? Uses school showers but won't use home shower? Etc. Is there anything you could do to help her enjoy it more? When she gets periods she will need to shower every day.

But another school shirt for her so she can have a clean one daily or do washings more frequently?

Typo, I meant BUY another school shirt. Not but another school shirt.

Does she also do PE at school on her shower/football days or is that a non-shower day?
Her friends sound unkind but maybe they're (badly) trying to let her know that there's a slight smell. If she's washing thoroughly on non-shower days it should be fine but if she's just putting on deodorant and body spray then she needs to wash more thoroughly.

Yes but we don't inhabit the world of 70/80 years ago so the smell (if there is one) is going to stand out more.

I don't think it's weird as long as she doesn't smell.

If she doesn't smell though I'm not sure why it came up. I guess maybe they were just talking and the subject of showering came up? 🤷‍♀️

I'm also not sure why she wouldn't just start showering everyday if it's bothering her to be called weird. I don't think not going to school is the solution.

ETA: I have a friend who showers every other day and I wouldn't say that she smells bad on the days that she doesn't shower but she does have a smell on those days. And I can always tell whether she has showered the day that I see her. So maybe it's the same with your daughter?

My Dad grew up in that time and says the fact of the matter is most people did in fact smell.

Plus they would have had a "proper" strip wash on the days they weren't having a bath, which OP doesn't mention.

I think the friends are probably telling DD either she smells or she doesn't look clean, greasy hair maybe?

She does need another shirt.

Why are so many people assuming this poor girl must smell?? It’s not necessary to shower every day unless you’re dirty or smelly or have your period or something. It’s bad for your skin as mentioned above. Not every 13yr old sweats or smells so much that they have to shower daily. Some can genuinely get away with a shower every other day and you wouldn’t be able to tell even if you stood close to them.

OP, this either sounds like a bad attempt at humour - calling a normal thing weird - or it’s bullying. Your DD’s response depends on what she thinks it is. I’d tell her to fight fire with fire and reply, “Well, Olivia, I don’t need to because I don’t smell like you do. I’m surprised you don’t have six showers a day tbh”.

Yes, it’s a bit mean, but it should shut them up. Groups of girls of that age are constantly jostling for position and someone has to be at the bottom. They’ve picked on your DD to try to put her down there. Some girls will never be down there - help your DD be one of those and stand up for herself.