Friend in trouble, police at my door.

[Playgroundincident]

My friends daughter is in year five mine is in year 4. My friend is an black, Muslim Zimbabwean woman daughter is also. Daughter has been receiving snipey racist abuse from a child in her class. Always where teachers can't hear and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. Daughter is a wonderful, sociable intelligent sporty kid an absolute pleasure to be around. Friend had been in to school at the beans thought it had been addressed however over the weekend it emerged that it hasn't and the child is still doing it, daughter hadn't said anything to her mum.
My friend was so upset, we walked in he dropped the kids off his morning, she said goodbye to he daughter then we watched the kids line up to go in. My friend and I stood in another part of the playground till she saw the boy who had been racist towards her daughter. She flew at him shouting all sorts of profanities, told him she was going to hit him, fucking kill him. The child was understandably frightened and the dad of another child stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. I grabbed her and took her out of the playground so the teachers could deal with the child. I've never seen he do this before she is not normally this way inclined but has a shit year with a husband who thinks she is there to serve him, left her for another woman, both parents died so her threshold is low at the moment. I sat with her in the car to calm her down. I told her I can't imagine how she is feeling he daughter being racially abused, told her I understood that she wanted to protect her but threatening to kill a 10 year old was not on. She's now annoyed at me asI didn't stick up for her.
An hour later the police have turned up at my door looking for her asking had I seen her, getting a witness statement because school have reported her. Friend has phoned me saying that she knows it was me who told the police and how she thought I would have her back and the year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off. For the record I don't agree with what she did but I've now got her and police to deal with. and now he child who made the racist comments mum threatening me. He whole thins is absolutely zero to do with me. I feel sorry for the children but any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated. Not sure whether to go for radio silence with everyone but police and school or say something on WhatsApp. My son is in he school and I don't want any fall out on him or my friends daughter either. Any suggestions appreciated.

It is a take that several people have, that the 10 yos reported behaviour that has no witnesses, will absolutely result in criminal charges for him, whereas the mothers behaviour which has multiple witnesses is absolutely fine, and nothing will be done... bizarre!!

I'm not going to drop my friend. I can still be supportive without condoning her behaviour. She has recently had racial abuse from the neighbours so I think she is at the end of her tether. I chatted with her last night on the phone and she is aware that she shouldn't have done it. In tears . It's awful to hear she is clearly strung out. She can't have brought up such a cool well rounded brilliant daughter by being a complete tyrant by nature. The whole thing is very messy, she does respect my position.

My DD faces racist snide remarks in secondary school all the time. She’s a brilliant student, top of the class, and I know part of the comments are motivated by jealousy. Her friends have reported it to teachers but nothing is ever done. She copes because she has some lovely friends.

Some of the teachers are racist and ignorant too. It’s sad but typical of life. I’ve just told her to rise above it and work harder, do better, and she’ll be out of the school in a few years anyway. She herself feels sorry for the good teachers, she says what can they do.

This is why it’s hard for people who have never experienced racism to understand, how tired it makes you, to deal with this every day. It wears you down and eventually, some day, you will snap.

I feel for your friend, OP. I hope her daughter finds a better school.

Report bully kids mum to police and file charges for cyber bullying as well as racial abuse as a hate crime from both her and her son. Both are serious crimes that you can prove as long as you take some screenshots.

How are things for your friend? Has she spoken to the school?

Whilst it is clearly not ideal to say such things to a child, it sounds like she has snapped. Probably feeling besieged by everyone at this point. I think many have underestimated the impact of the riots, a rise in racism generally being seen, the exhaustion of being made to feel less than for a life time, and now seeing your child suffer the same. It’s too much.

Let’s hope the bully in question remembers what happens when you racially bully another, he might not be so quick to do it again after this. Whilst I do not condone this behaviour, I do believe he is more than old enough to know precisely what he is doing. Every child from a young age is educated to understand the severity and impact of racism.

I am so glad that you have looked beyond this outburst, and seen it as a final straw moment. Your friend needs help and support, not condemnation.

This thread highlights how little is understood about this subject, and some are clearly ignorant and/or racist themselves.

There is something that seems to be missing here and that is the cultural element.

I am in no way an expert on Zimbabwe and it's culture, my experience is just from teaching some adults from Zimbabwe and chatting with them.

From what I gather reporting something to the police is a major betrayal.

Racism is a big part of the lives of people in / from Zimbabwe. And I hesitate to say this as it sounds like victim blaming, but I cannot find a way to write this that doesn't hint at victim blaming and that is sometimes racism is seen even when it is not intended eg when you apply for a job there is usually a page where you declare your ethnicity. In Britain you just tick the box and don't think much else about it. The students I taught were all convinced this was because the employers have quotas of who to employ and this is enforced by the government.

OP

I agree with everyone else who says 1 message on What's app and then radio silence. Maybe say, "I had no idea what was about to happen, I was blindsided and reacted as quickly as I could"

One text to your friend, "The school has a duty of care to all pupils, they had to call the police"

feel so bad for your friend everyone has there breaking point . and to see your child been bullied and nothing done must be hard to deal with but it does happen. .seems strange a ten year old would do this, sounds like hears this sort of thing at home. but will always get bullies in all walks of life not just over colour of you skin,just because they see an easy target,who wont retaliate

Please don't use the word thug. It has a lot of racist connotations.

There are quite a few articles written on this if you are interested to learn why.

sounds like this is getting out of hand .person who posted obviously wanted help and advice .i posted on here myself lately and had to have thread taken down sometimes its maybe better to go with what you feel is right as none of us know real story and werent there . only person who posted thread can make decision wether to stand by her friend and everyone has a breaking point

Please don't use the word thug. It has a lot of racist connotations.
There are quite a few articles written on this if you are interested to learn why.

Not in the UK, though, and MN is based in the UK.

What does thug mean in the UK?

a tough and violent man
thug in British English

1. a tough and violent man, esp a criminal. 2. ( sometimes capital) (formerly) a member of an organization of robbers and assassins in India who typically strangled their victims.

No need to police our language.

There is nothing wrong with the use of the word ‘thug’ in this context. The definition is ‘a violent man or ruffian’. In the USA there have been claims that ‘thug’ is used in place of the n word in various contexts, but this is clearly not the case here in the UK. No need for yet more policing.

The students I taught were all convinced this was because the employers have quotas of who to employ and this is enforced by the government.

They aren’t too far from the truth though. Some organisations do have targets - eg the Met Police had a target of 40% of recruits being BAME:

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/nov/13/met-police-told-40-of-recruits-must-be-from-bame-backgrounds

The BBC also have targets:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/commissioning/diverse-productions#:~:text=For%20all%20new%20commissions%20from,deaf%2C%20disabled%20and%2For%20neurodivergent

As does the private sector:

https://www.bt.com/about/bt/our-people/diversity-and-inclusion

The forms are for monitoring to make sure protected characteristics are not discriminated against in the recruitment process but good intentions can lead to poor outcomes. BT moved research offices from an area with a low ethnic minority population, high levels of deprivation, poor educational outcomes, few high level employers and a huge investment by the local university specifically to meet the company’s needs, in order to try and increase recruitment of ethnic minorities.

Incredible that someone might feel offended by calling the bully a thug but not by the racism he was happy to mete out 🙄

Turn what's app off and use commonsense, your Instincts are always right, what she did wasn't the right way, but she has a good reason.