Friend in trouble, police at my door.

[Playgroundincident]

My friends daughter is in year five mine is in year 4. My friend is an black, Muslim Zimbabwean woman daughter is also. Daughter has been receiving snipey racist abuse from a child in her class. Always where teachers can't hear and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. Daughter is a wonderful, sociable intelligent sporty kid an absolute pleasure to be around. Friend had been in to school at the beans thought it had been addressed however over the weekend it emerged that it hasn't and the child is still doing it, daughter hadn't said anything to her mum.
My friend was so upset, we walked in he dropped the kids off his morning, she said goodbye to he daughter then we watched the kids line up to go in. My friend and I stood in another part of the playground till she saw the boy who had been racist towards her daughter. She flew at him shouting all sorts of profanities, told him she was going to hit him, fucking kill him. The child was understandably frightened and the dad of another child stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. I grabbed her and took her out of the playground so the teachers could deal with the child. I've never seen he do this before she is not normally this way inclined but has a shit year with a husband who thinks she is there to serve him, left her for another woman, both parents died so her threshold is low at the moment. I sat with her in the car to calm her down. I told her I can't imagine how she is feeling he daughter being racially abused, told her I understood that she wanted to protect her but threatening to kill a 10 year old was not on. She's now annoyed at me asI didn't stick up for her.
An hour later the police have turned up at my door looking for her asking had I seen her, getting a witness statement because school have reported her. Friend has phoned me saying that she knows it was me who told the police and how she thought I would have her back and the year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off. For the record I don't agree with what she did but I've now got her and police to deal with. and now he child who made the racist comments mum threatening me. He whole thins is absolutely zero to do with me. I feel sorry for the children but any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated. Not sure whether to go for radio silence with everyone but police and school or say something on WhatsApp. My son is in he school and I don't want any fall out on him or my friends daughter either. Any suggestions appreciated.

I think stick one brief message on the WhatsApp saying it has nothing to do with you, that you were there at school like many others but that was it. You could say that whilst you are sympathetic to those involved you don't want to be involved in any further discussion about it etc.
This is upsetting, I hope you're ok. None of it is your fault.

I would say on the WhatsApp that you did all you could to diffuse the situation but that as there is now an active investigation it would be wrong for anyone to comment further. I assume the police haven’t told you not to mention their involvement. They should stop all speculation anyway as it could be contempt of court. The messages could also be used in evidence.

Honestly you also need to distance yourself from your friend too- I don’t see an issue with telling her it wasn’t you who reported her but if she’s so quick to think it was you (when I imagine tens of people saw her) is she really a friend?

Plus what she did was very wrong, there is no excuse for threatening a 10 yr old- however much of a shit time she’s had. Chances are if your DD fell out with hers she’d get the same treatment.

Tbf I think sometimes if you are shocked it can delay a reaction. Its not unusual to sort of freeze when something happens unexpectedly or not know what to do. It sounds like it spiralled quite quickly.
I quoted also because your suggestion of Whatsapp message is good.

police and school - be honest
friend - be honest, support her but stand your ground that it wasn’t the right thing to do and there are ways to handle things for a reason.
school WhatsApp- I’m sorry you feel that way @…, @… however this incident was nothing to do with me and I stepped in as quickly as I could to diffuse it. I won’t be discussing it any further. Call out the mixing mammies - always feel they are on there to throw in a grenade and then sit eating popcorn watching it all kick off.

Report threats to school, take screen shots of everything.
If threats are of a violent nature, report to police, immediately. It's witness intimidation.

Speak to Education Welfare, preferably get an email address for them so it can be in writing, same as school (paper trial is very important). Tell Edu Welfare what has led to this, schools lack of action over racial harassment, lack of reporting to Prevent.

With the police, you will need to be a witness, so for now you cannot speak to the friend as you are now a witness due to her behaviour. There will be conditions on her after they find her including not speaking to you. You will have to be honest with the police, explain what you have here but don't try and make excuses for her. You need to distance yourself.

A small statement on the WhatsApp of "this is now a legal matter and so I will not be responding to comments as it is in the hands of the police, any threats however will be reported appropriately". Don't engage, they want a scapegoat because let's be frank, your friend will be banned at the very least from the school, if not asked to find an alternative placement.

Your friend needs to speak to a advocacy team, there are many online. Shouting and threatening a ten year old is inexcusable but the school needs to be taken to task for failing to deal with the bullying.

At pick up/drop off, do not discuss or engage. Have your phone ready to record any threats. Ask school for support. You really don't want to be seen as condoning her behaviour.

In order for something to be a hate crime there must first be a crime. ‘Hate’ is an aggravating factor to a crime. So racial abuse is only a hate crime if the abuse itself reaches a criminal threshold. The school should not be recording his abuse as a ‘hate crime’ as the school is not a judicial body and cannot find a child guilty of a crime, still less without a trial. They can record incidents of racial abuse.

Report the threats to school and police.
Tell your friend the truth and then distance yourself as this is a terrible mess.
One short message to the Whatsapp group - saying 'shocking situation, I don't want to be involved in this ongoing, I did my best in difficult circumstances'. Then mute the group or leave it.

Why did you give a statement to the police about it? You didnt have to do that.

Her behaviour was out of order, but I'd not be friends with someone who gave a statement to the police about me. I cant believe you've done that

Ignore the WhatsApp - leave them to gossip.

Tell the mum of the racist little shit not to contact you any further, or you will contact the police about her threats.

Tell your friend that you didn't report her, that the police have come and taken a statement. Reiterate that you can't condone her actions, but you are there if she wants to talk.

Leave the ball in her court.

For what it's worth, it doesn't read like you could have done any more than you did, and I think that providing the police with an idea of where this out of character behaviour came from was the right thing to do.

The police came to her house asking for a statement 😵‍💫 what else should she have done? 😵‍💫

I'm sorry you are in the middle of this. Don't do anything else, you have presumably told the police how provoked your friend was. Do stress to her that it wasn't you who reported the incident, none of this is your fault. Now leave it unless you are asked questions again.

Your friend did go OTT but she had tried the gentle way and that hadn't worked. I hope she doesn't get into too much trouble, a reprimand would suffice imo. Racist abuse, or abuse of any type, is bullying and awful. However it was a child who did it and must have learned it from adults, shame on them. We cannot put old heads on young shoulders.

This will die down. Stay loyal to your friend but try to limit involvement.

As someone whos white passing see her non white passing son experience racism so much throughout the years it's disgusting.

Imagine your child being bullied for a prolong amount of time.
Even when you're in the same playground and the school do nothing about it.
It won't have been the first time either in my experience.

At one time your parental instincts kick in and you fight to protect your child, you see red and tell the child off.
Maybe threats to kill are too far but jeez come on if anyone else had threatened their child's long time bully I'm sure a lot of people would be like good on that mum.

Now lots of people are even telling you to drop the mum as a friend.

It's sometimes a natural protective instinct after your child being heartbroken for so long and no one doing anything about it.

But I doubt many of you would understand as I didn't until I had my obviously mixed child.

Actually I lie I did understand as it's a bloody injustice.

If it wasn't about colour and just about bullying some reply's would be different I bet...

Reply to your friend saying that the school contacted the police not you and they have been to see you to get a statement as you assume the other parents who were there.
She’s probably maybe come by your house and seen then arrive/leave and just assumed.

The other mums, I guess at this time there’s nothing you can say that won’t make them just more angry

year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off.

I'd put a comment - "I had police turn up at my door as school reported incident this morning. Police asked for a witness statement which I gave - telling the truth of what I saw. The events are being investigated by the police so I can comment no further. I have screen shotted these comments and sent them to the school and police so they are aware of them."

Then take screen shot send to police and school and leave the group.

I'd be very clear with your friend that it was the police that turned up on your doorstep not that you reported anything to them. You provided a statement as requested (as you obviously you would so you would get in any trouble with the police). Personally I would cut the friendship from here after her behaviour to the 10 year old (no matter the reason its not acceptable) and her ability to so easily blame you.

Be clear to the WhatsApp group that you had no idea what she was going to do and just removed her from the situation. You are not responsible for someone else's actions. And the police are involved so you can no longer comment on the situation. Advice the school of the whatsapp group comments so they can monitor if anything is said between children at school. Mute the group.

Report the child's mum who is threating you to the police and do not engage with her.

I would respond to your friend, simply saying that it wasn’t you that contacted the police and that you are not willing to discuss it further. The police need to be respond, might be a caution but might not be.

The school need to deal with the rest. Don’t get involved. Mute the group

This is what happens when a school doesn’t get its act together. It’s awful. You’ve been given some good advice up thread.

I agree with this, but would at the end of the WhatsApp message I would add something asking WTF the outrage and support was when friends daughter was being racially abused?

Absolutely this!

I can't believe anyone remotely thinks any of this is your fault, OP. You did your best at the time, you are NOT responsible for what another adult chooses to do.

Hope you are ok, it all sounds very stressful.

Said no? You don't have to give a statement to the police. Does she think making a statement confirming her friends behaviour was going to help her friend? Plus telling police she didnt agree with her friend.

Which I get, her friend shouldnt of behaved like that. But she could and should of said no to the police in my eyes

This is great advise, OP.
I'm sorry you found yourself in the middle of an awful situation that has nothing to do with you. 🙏

Short statement to WhatsApp that it happened in another part of the playground and you could not have known it was going to happen. Do not wish to comment further and troubled xx was said. Maybe remove from or mute group.

with the police statement make it clear the racist abuse and lack of action.

Write to your friend and say the first you knew re the the police was when they turned up on your doorstep. Write it so if she spreads a rumor you called them you can screen grab this.

Exactly what @MiraculousLadybug said up thread would be my approach.

You condone adults threatening ten year olds in the school playground? Bearing in mind it would not just be that child present but a number of children including much younger ones who have no idea of the context and see a very frightening situation of an adult shouting, swearing and threatening a child.

OP did absolutely the right thing to give a statement to the police.