Friend in trouble, police at my door.

[Playgroundincident]

My friends daughter is in year five mine is in year 4. My friend is an black, Muslim Zimbabwean woman daughter is also. Daughter has been receiving snipey racist abuse from a child in her class. Always where teachers can't hear and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. Daughter is a wonderful, sociable intelligent sporty kid an absolute pleasure to be around. Friend had been in to school at the beans thought it had been addressed however over the weekend it emerged that it hasn't and the child is still doing it, daughter hadn't said anything to her mum.
My friend was so upset, we walked in he dropped the kids off his morning, she said goodbye to he daughter then we watched the kids line up to go in. My friend and I stood in another part of the playground till she saw the boy who had been racist towards her daughter. She flew at him shouting all sorts of profanities, told him she was going to hit him, fucking kill him. The child was understandably frightened and the dad of another child stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. I grabbed her and took her out of the playground so the teachers could deal with the child. I've never seen he do this before she is not normally this way inclined but has a shit year with a husband who thinks she is there to serve him, left her for another woman, both parents died so her threshold is low at the moment. I sat with her in the car to calm her down. I told her I can't imagine how she is feeling he daughter being racially abused, told her I understood that she wanted to protect her but threatening to kill a 10 year old was not on. She's now annoyed at me asI didn't stick up for her.
An hour later the police have turned up at my door looking for her asking had I seen her, getting a witness statement because school have reported her. Friend has phoned me saying that she knows it was me who told the police and how she thought I would have her back and the year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off. For the record I don't agree with what she did but I've now got her and police to deal with. and now he child who made the racist comments mum threatening me. He whole thins is absolutely zero to do with me. I feel sorry for the children but any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated. Not sure whether to go for radio silence with everyone but police and school or say something on WhatsApp. My son is in he school and I don't want any fall out on him or my friends daughter either. Any suggestions appreciated.

So you didn't step in until a different parent had stepped in first?

I can see why you're getting part of the blame.

It's tough. You're getting it from all sides now. Maybe a simple "I do not condone Friend's actions and it was nothing to do with me. Please stop sending me threats or I will report them to the police"

And make school aware as well

Why does the what's app group think it was your fault? They think you should have stopped her? I would reply to your friend to say it wasn't you who called the police but obviously you need to cooperate with them as they wanted to speak to you. And id probably leave the what's app group. The whole school situation sounds toxic to be honest.

I really can't see what part of any of this has anything to do with you other than you witnessed an adult 'flying at' a child and the adult making threats to kill. If the police ask you for a statement: give it. Go 'radio silent' on any WhatsApp conversations. Keep out of any gossip. Tell your child just to be kind and to keep away from, but report any trouble.

You removed her, you didn't do nothing. Send a short message to the group WhatsApp as suggested above and yes, only engage with police until she calms down and apologises to you.

I would mute the WhatsApp group. Nothing you post will do anything other than fuel the fire.

Work with the police and school to help them resolve the issue and make school aware of the WhatsApp issues so they can keep an eye on your child in school.

If you didn't report your friend to the police then you should be very clear to herthat you did not.

I'd also point out to her that racial abuse is a hate crime and that a boy of 10 is above the age of criminal responsibility and so can be reported to and prosecuted by the police. In her place I would be reporting each and every instance to the police and insisting they take action (mps are also good at putting pressure on the authorities to act if they try and ignore).

The school should also, by law, be recording his abuse as a hate crime and this is worth checking as they often try and avoid doing so as it makes them look bad.

She ran into the other part of he playground, we were talking in a group of others just general chit chat so my focus wasn't entirely on what she was doing. She scooted into the other area of the playground and the dad was stood close to where the kids were lining up. As soon as I heard her shouting I ran over of course but it took a few seconds to get over. She was difficult to hold back. It was awful.

Tell your friend you didn't report it, but you've given a statement and therefore can't discuss it anymore.

Tell the mum that you were shocked when it happened but have given a statement to the police about what happened.

Report her threats to you.

Keep the school in the loop about what's happening.

Sorry you're caught up in all the backlash from everyone, it's a hard place to be.

I would reply that it was not you who called the police and that most likely it was the school or the child's father. I would then distance myself from her.

It was the school, they obviously rang as soon as possible. I was sat in the car for at least 45 minutes calming her down so she could drive home safely. Police turned up about 20 mins after I got home. I've given them my statement and said I absolutely do not condone or agree with her behaviour but did try to give some context as to her out of character actions. She is trying to protect her child, just going the wrong way about it.

I agree with all this

They think I should have known and should have prevented it happening but not having psychic powers I didn't know what she was going to do.

That sounds horrendous. I'm struggling to see what else you could possibly have done.

Little to add than what has already been suggested other than to do whatever you need to do ONCE and then don't engage further.

Send friend one message saying you didn't report it to the police (she is being a bit ridiculous to assume you did, surely it is obvious that it is far more likely to have been the dad who stopped her, the parents of the child or the school who would have done this, why on earth would she jump straight to blaming you?). Maybe reiterate what you said in the car -you understand how horrible it is but threatening a child is also inappropriate. Then mute her for a while. You deserve an apology from her tbh.

With the whatsapp/mum again maybe make ONE post saying "I had no idea what x was going to do, as soon as I realised she had ran over to your child I went to stop her, helped pull her away and took her outside. I have made it clear to both her and the police that I do not condone her actions. I have no idea why you could possibly think this is my fault or what more I could have done. I understand its been reported to the police so the whole situation is for them and the school to sort out, its nothing to do with me. Then again mute the group.

If you have a different friend within the class maybe tell them you won't be on the WhatsApp group for a while, if there is anything you need to know (e.g. emergency school closure) please can they tell you but you don't want to be updated on any drama/gossip about the incident.

If the child's mum has actually specifically threatened you then report that to the police.

My first instinct would be to emigrate to the moon after that! 😱

In reality, I'd tell the What'sApp group something like, "Not sure why people are blaming me for the actions of another adult. I was in shock and had no idea! You all saw it, I'm guessing you all stood there in shock like me for the same reason!" While some loudmouths might be throwing accusations around, there'll be the quiet ones who haven't said anything either way who you can probably salvage some sort of working relationship with for the sake of birthday parties etc for your child.

I'd also let the friend go. She might usually be lovely but this level of drama is really not great and you're getting dragged into it by association. She's mad at you anyway and hurling unfounded accusations at you about calling the police so the friendship is probably over anyway. Someone who threatens to kill a child on their worst day isn't someone I'd want to know and certainly wouldn't fight to keep that friendship.

Honestly though the parents at this school sound like they're just full of drama.

Read all of OP's posts.

Why would the head tell op to stay away?

There were probably dozens of parents who didn't do anything.

Op took a minute to grasp what her friend did and then took her friend away.

That's it.

None of this is the ops fault at all. It's easy to sit here with all the facts and say what op should have done, in real life most of us would take a minute to comprehend what was happening.

It’s ridiculous that you’re being blamed. If the boy’s mum is threatening you I think you should report that, as well as making it clear that the boy’s racist bullying has been going on for months.

I hope your friend put the fear of God into him.

She didn't take a minute at all, she was in a different part of the playground and then ran over immediately when she heard the commotion ffs.

If you read my previous post I didn't know what she was going to do, how could I have intervened sooner?

Talk to school and police. Everyone else can fuck off. Mute the WhatsApp until it all blows over.

That’s awful OP. Ignore those saying you should have stepped in sooner - they’re clearly delusional and not reading your updates.

In the WhatsApp group “Stop blaming me/my child for someone else’s behaviour and actions, I am not responsible for them. X and her child have suffered racial abuse for a while now, this is not acceptable and will be reported” then leave the group. Contact school and police and report the racial abuse. Then leave them all to sort it out.

Just hold your head up and ignore any jibes; you were a witness and have been blamed as you’re her friend.
As for the friendship, it’s likely to be over but I would tell her you didn’t report her but what she did was outrageous. She’s made things so much worse for her daughter too.
Archive the WhatsApp groups you don’t see the posts about the incident, if others ask you about it then say you can’t talk as you’ve given a statement. Keep the school informed of any developments.

I'd be adding a simple statement to the Whatsapp group:

"I was as surprised as the rest of you when this happened. I helped remove her from the situation to de-escalate it, so I'm not sure why I'm getting grief for it. She and her daughter have been going through a torrid time this year and clearly she went too far, but none of this is my responsibility. I have been threatened and bullied for simply being friends with her. I will not hesitate to report any further harassment of me or anyone to the police."

As PP have said, the Whatsapp group seems to thrive on drama and gossip.

It wasn't the right way about it, but I really hope the little shit she shouted at has had a bit of a lesson in not being a racist little git.

It was obviously the school that reported the incident to the police. They have a legal duty to keep children safe, and will therefore need to ensure that someone who confronted and threatened a child on their premises is not able to do so in future. This incident needs to be dealt with through official channels and involving the police is a first step in that direction.

To the mum of racist kid I would send one message stating that you had no prior idea that your friend was going to act in the way she did. Once you realised what she had done, you removed her from the situation. You are not in any way culpable for her actions so don't apologise even out of politeness or empathy.