Friend in trouble, police at my door.

[Playgroundincident]

My friends daughter is in year five mine is in year 4. My friend is an black, Muslim Zimbabwean woman daughter is also. Daughter has been receiving snipey racist abuse from a child in her class. Always where teachers can't hear and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. Daughter is a wonderful, sociable intelligent sporty kid an absolute pleasure to be around. Friend had been in to school at the beans thought it had been addressed however over the weekend it emerged that it hasn't and the child is still doing it, daughter hadn't said anything to her mum.
My friend was so upset, we walked in he dropped the kids off his morning, she said goodbye to he daughter then we watched the kids line up to go in. My friend and I stood in another part of the playground till she saw the boy who had been racist towards her daughter. She flew at him shouting all sorts of profanities, told him she was going to hit him, fucking kill him. The child was understandably frightened and the dad of another child stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. I grabbed her and took her out of the playground so the teachers could deal with the child. I've never seen he do this before she is not normally this way inclined but has a shit year with a husband who thinks she is there to serve him, left her for another woman, both parents died so her threshold is low at the moment. I sat with her in the car to calm her down. I told her I can't imagine how she is feeling he daughter being racially abused, told her I understood that she wanted to protect her but threatening to kill a 10 year old was not on. She's now annoyed at me asI didn't stick up for her.
An hour later the police have turned up at my door looking for her asking had I seen her, getting a witness statement because school have reported her. Friend has phoned me saying that she knows it was me who told the police and how she thought I would have her back and the year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off. For the record I don't agree with what she did but I've now got her and police to deal with. and now he child who made the racist comments mum threatening me. He whole thins is absolutely zero to do with me. I feel sorry for the children but any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated. Not sure whether to go for radio silence with everyone but police and school or say something on WhatsApp. My son is in he school and I don't want any fall out on him or my friends daughter either. Any suggestions appreciated.

Drop the friend - I couldn’t be friends with anyone that would scream at a child and say they were going to kill them! Racism comes from parents and other adult influences so to have done that to a young child is disgusting.

Lay low, don’t get involved in the WhatsApp drama and let the school and police deal with everything. If anyone asks you give a straight forward I don’t condone violence and I don’t condone racism end of.

My ds suffered a long period of racial abuse and after one particularly bad incident in the park, I went there and gave hell to the children involved who were 11/12. However my focus was saying how do you think you make him feel, this his country as much as yours etc etc. This was after having spoken to both school and parents several times. However I would never ever threaten violence. I don't care how emotional you are, they are children.
I think you need to tell the school and police about the abuse and threats you are getting. They need to know what's going on.

this is a really good post. @Playgroundincident don't worry, this will calm down especially if you go back to the Whatsapp twats and tell them this.

As for your friend, just remind her that you are there for her, but what she did was wrong. While there are mitigating factors, you have a responsibility for safeguarding in your own life and its important that you stick to the guidelines.

@oakleaffy the behaviour isn't already there - the op, the only one of us that actually know this woman, has said that it's out of character. This woman has had a huge amount on her plate - she's clearly struggling and has let loose at the worse possible place.

If ones of my friends suddenly acted like this then I wouldn't drop them, I'd want to help them.

I can only hope my friends would do the same for me.

Firstly what she did was wrong, the statement I gave highlighted facts and also context which people might have not been aware of. They could have assumed all of it but I'm in a position to give a fuller picture. And secondly I'm in a job where I have to sign up to a moral code of ethics and behaviour in my personal and professional life my registration and therefore livlihood depend on it. I have a responsibility to cooperate with police and relevant professionals especially in the safeguarding of children.

I would put a single message on the WhatsApp:

This is now thankfully a police matter and I am not involved so I can not comment. It seems it is more complex than it might seem.
Please feel free to contribute anything helpful to the police, otherwise please be aware that this WA is currently monitored by the police and school.

I would allow the dust to settle with your friend, yes she should not have said those words in anger, but this has clearly built up for a long time and she was triggered by the latest incident. I would send her a message and say you don’t agree with how she handled, but can understand why she is so upset and you hope she is okay.

Help the police as much as you can, this will blow over..

Well, shit. Seems you have been dragged in/made guilty by association.

I'm sorry but at this point I would now be putting my child (and myself) first. You and your child both need to continue going to the school for quite a while and that would be my focus, fix things for your family as best you can.

I'd distance myself from the friend who threatened to kill a child (yeah she was angry, but you cannot do shit like that as an adult, to a child) then either lay low or make a very quick statement in the group chat explaining that you were shocked and did your best to remove her from the situation but ultimately you have zero control over any other person and it's nothing to do with you.

She made her and her childs problems 100x worse in that moment unfortunately.

I also have another take - the school have clearly not dealt with this at all, or if they have - very, very badly. It has escalated because they have been useless addressing racist bullying in their own school. They need to have a long look at what has gone wrong here. This would NEVER be tolerated in our school even on the first occasion.

There is generational trauma linked to this kind of racism which presents just like this. Your poor friend and her child have been badly let down.

This behaviour would attract suspension and expulsion in our school and plenty of lessons around how damaging and hurtful it is for all children.

I agree with @MissUltraViolet , think about your child now.
You still have to be around parents in the playground until they go to high school, your child will be in classes, be friends with some of these peoples kids.
If you feel the need to explain briefly on WhatsApp, what happened and that you are in no way responsible and have given your statement to police, then mute it.
I would be reporting the boys mother for making threats!
As for your friend I would take a step back. You have DC and your job to consider.
Shit start to a Monday 🌸

Well, with a bit of luck, that if he carries on persecuting this little girl there's going to be some consequences.

It's for his parents to teach him to be kind, if they want that for him. No need for the OPs friend to concern herself about his moral character at all, she just needs him to stay the fuck away from her daughter.

Quite honestly, I thought you had to give a statement if they called. But either way, OP was also helping her friend by giving police the context of racial abuse suffered by her friend which the school have so far done nothing about. Maybe it’s time the little shit of a kid learned not to be racist - by the police dealing with it.

I do think you need to respond publicly on this.

You had no idea she was going to do this and have never seen any behaviour from her that would suggest it could ever happen. Let them know you have spoken to Police and given an honest account of what occurred but that you were a witness and in no way involved.

Your friend has massively overstepped and she needs to understand that.

The school also need to deal better with racism and bullying. If they refuse to take action, things often escalate between parents, which is exactly where she should have gone, not to the child himself.

Exactly.

Everyone used to make excuses like this for my mum. Our lives at home were hell, and we were totally abandoned by all the adults around us who saw and heard it all but kept on bleating about supporting a poor vulnerable disabled woman and how "we all snap" and so on.

When someone goes this far, this is the mask slipping.

Giving a fair and accurate statement is the right thing to do, morally.

Of course the police should have been called. This was verbal abuse of child, threatening to kill him no less. On school grounds where children should be safe. Honestly don’t just walk away from this friend, run. Or you will definitely be more of a feature of the WhatsApp group chat.

I agree 100%

So often the shouty aggressive abuser is charm personified to outsiders -
Only immediate neighbours hear what really goes on.

This is why I recoil at people who default to 'rage' settings.

Even now my stomach knots if I hear aggressive shouting.

It doesn't come from nowhere.

I'm sorry that you had to live in fear of an outburst.

From 0-60 in seconds.

It's very damaging for children to be around that kind of volatility.

Someone snapping?

It can happen to anyone. Our legal framework recognises the human condition and the ability most people have when they reach their capacity - it is also used as a form of torture to break people.

It should not have come to this, the school should have been far far more proactive in stamping out the racism and bullying in the first place.

one of the worst things about this incident is that the focus has shifted from the boy’s racist comments and his parents, to a police incident where a young kid was violently threatened. I hope that both situations are treated seriously as the nasty incidents they are.

No verbally abusing a small child in a fit of rage can’t happen to anyone. Most adults have learnt that if you really see red you walk in the opposite direction.

What a horrible situation all round. Honestly, while it's obviously not acceptable for an adult to threaten a child, I can see how it's got to this point. Ceaseless racial abuse against her daughter and clearly a lacklustre response from the school - she must feel desperate and furious. A woman and girl left to endure racism as if it's no big deal, then when she snaps, the police are after her. It's horrific.

Tell the police you are not interested in making a statement. You don’t have to and can simply say you do not recall events. No way would I inform on a friend over this; she has been treated appallingly and the school should be investigating racism against a child. Tell your friend you are not getting involved with the police but she needs to get herself some help to manage her anger. Text the WhatsApp group that they should keep their noses out of what they don’t understand. Advise your friend she can also report the child’s racism as a hate crime to police.

You are saying that because we are feeling calm and relaxed as adults, and know we would not behave like that - in truth many parents react instinctively and biologically at times. Stand at any child’s football match to witness animalistic behaviour in action, and the disgraceful brutality.

@Teateaandmoretea

Ten years old isn't a "small child". I'd say up to the age of 7 is a "small child"

Also, have you ever parented a child who is being relentlessly bullied?

He's not "a small child" he's 10. Old enough to understand that bullying is wrong, racism is wrong and over the age of criminal responsibility.