Friend in trouble, police at my door.

[Playgroundincident]

My friends daughter is in year five mine is in year 4. My friend is an black, Muslim Zimbabwean woman daughter is also. Daughter has been receiving snipey racist abuse from a child in her class. Always where teachers can't hear and it's been going on for a couple of weeks. Daughter is a wonderful, sociable intelligent sporty kid an absolute pleasure to be around. Friend had been in to school at the beans thought it had been addressed however over the weekend it emerged that it hasn't and the child is still doing it, daughter hadn't said anything to her mum.
My friend was so upset, we walked in he dropped the kids off his morning, she said goodbye to he daughter then we watched the kids line up to go in. My friend and I stood in another part of the playground till she saw the boy who had been racist towards her daughter. She flew at him shouting all sorts of profanities, told him she was going to hit him, fucking kill him. The child was understandably frightened and the dad of another child stepped in and tried to calm the situation down. I grabbed her and took her out of the playground so the teachers could deal with the child. I've never seen he do this before she is not normally this way inclined but has a shit year with a husband who thinks she is there to serve him, left her for another woman, both parents died so her threshold is low at the moment. I sat with her in the car to calm her down. I told her I can't imagine how she is feeling he daughter being racially abused, told her I understood that she wanted to protect her but threatening to kill a 10 year old was not on. She's now annoyed at me asI didn't stick up for her.
An hour later the police have turned up at my door looking for her asking had I seen her, getting a witness statement because school have reported her. Friend has phoned me saying that she knows it was me who told the police and how she thought I would have her back and the year 4/5 WhatsApp has lit up with comments about how I should have done something slagging my friend and me off. For the record I don't agree with what she did but I've now got her and police to deal with. and now he child who made the racist comments mum threatening me. He whole thins is absolutely zero to do with me. I feel sorry for the children but any advice on how to navigate this would be much appreciated. Not sure whether to go for radio silence with everyone but police and school or say something on WhatsApp. My son is in he school and I don't want any fall out on him or my friends daughter either. Any suggestions appreciated.

Okay a 10 year old child, my post still stands. Mine are teens, it seems small to me.

Two wrongs don’t make a right, particularly when one is an adult.

Nope, I said most adults if they see red walk away before they do stupid things.

And as for "that sort of rage doesn't come from nowhere" no, I imagine it comes from many years of experiencing racial discrimination and abuse and then seeing that pattern start to repeat for your child.

God, yes. My son is in a youth football team and has been sworn at and threatened by opposition players and their parents countless times.

Sounds like you did all the right things.

You've supported your friend before hand, when you realised what was happening in the playground you stepped in and stopped the situation from getting any worse for your friend.
You took her away to calm down whilst also calling her out on her behaviour towards the child. You supported the police in their investigation whilst also addressing the whole situation beforehand which you believe led to the outburst, all so there be some understanding towards your friends actions.
The school is at fault here and its just a shame the daughter had not opened up sooner.
You've done all the things I would have done, you don't need to take the blame for anything in my opinion.

Aside from this incident, the school should have reported the racism as a hate crime.
What actions if any did the school take? It may not have escalated if the school had dealt with the racist child.
Maybe they did and the child continued anyway?
I'm not condoning her behaviour, it's not going to do her or her daughter any favours and will probably make things worse for her daughter in school 😞

Agree @tattygrl

Those of us whose children have been bullied over a sustained period of time dream of collaring the bully and pointing out their physical shortfalls and the personality shortfalls that we're aware of. Not actually physically harming them, but making them feel shit about themselves for a time, and just scared enough to stop doing it.

Oh, hang on, that would be bullying, wouldn't it? Picking on someone less equipped than oneself ..

Shame on the school for not stamping it out. I bet they wish they had, because this level of police involvement is far worse than being motivated to do something about the bullying.

Sorry I don't understand your post?? People saw, for example, my mum driving her car at the neighbour's son and slamming the brakes on at the last second so all of us who saw it thought she was going to mow him down. People would downplay these incidents as "she's been driven to breaking point because X Y and Z just happened" there was always a new and excitingly dramatic X, Y and Z that meant these people would refuse to tell the police what they saw, or would pretend to the police they hadn't seen anything, or in one case outright lied and said they'd been with my mum the whole time and she hadn't screamed threats to kill the neighbour's child.

Every time they said "she just snapped under the pressure" but snapping under pressure for a regular person is having a bit of a cry or throwing something across a room with no intention of hitting anyone.

Exploding with rage at a child on sight when they haven't even done anything right then is not something that can happen to anyone, but that's what the OP describes happening.

There is no "legal framework" to defend threats of murder to a child with "sorry I had a bad day/week/month". Our legal framework is also not used as a form of torture to break people. Your post is very hard to understand but I hope I've explained a bit more.

Our legal framework recognises abusive people, threats, and harassment. But it can only do its job if people stop enabling people who are highly volatile.

It sounds like you are making excuses for racist bullying. If the school refuses to do anything then it of course runs the risk of things blowing up as they have.

Oh what utter rot, no more or less.

Tbh I would remove myself from all of it. I wouldn't give a statement to the police or to the school and not engage at all. Your friend is not a saint, who is, but racism in any form should have been dealt with by the school, and if it was, all of this would have been avoided.

Exactly, 10 isn't a 'small child'. Jamie Bulger's killers were 10. If you're having to exaggerate to make the facts fit your story, then the story probably doesn't fit your 'facts'....

Plenty of White people have default rage settings.
It’s never excusable to lose it around children ( or adults).

It’s a characteristic.

Look at the White men who beat up on women or scream and shout at them- What causes them to lose it?
People need to take responsibility for their tempers.
Not always try and blame others.

Good for her, we all have our breaking point, if the racist little shit of a ten year old had been dealt with properly in the first place this wouldn't have escalated. Racism is learnt so his Mum/parents don't come out of this looking great. You sound a good friend to her, get out of the WhatsApp group, school gate mums are toxic. Let's hope going forward things can now be sorted out peacefully for everyone involved.

Racism can come from lots of places, schools are full of homophobic, racist and sexist bullying and comments, and not all those involved will have homophobic, racist and sexist parents, calling other children certain names is very much a pack behaviour, which is why the school need a very strong anti-racist stance and policy of intervention.

Don't stoke the fires by saying 'it must be from the parents'. The child who said something racist to my child was from parents who were most definitely not racist and didn't care about our background at all- it was more similar to a Daily Mail headline and something they'd clearly picked up from school.

Unfortunately as you've given a statement, you will now be called as a witness if it goes to court

Children learn a language of insults at school and reinforce them amongst themselves, which is why they need a zero-tolerance policy to racist, sexist and homophobic remarks when overheard/reported, but to imagine they don't use these the rest of the time is a bit naive, I'm afraid.

There is absolutely no excuse for an adult to threaten to kill a child.

She sounds absolutely unhinged and I would end the friendship.

Really you'd protect someone who threatened to kill a 10 year old child

The fact that he’s 10 has no bearing, zero bearing on the fact that it is never acceptable to verbally threaten to kill anyone. Ever.

And sadly typical of life.
I'm glad someone else sees it.

This will be her defence, legally as well as morally. The mother and child are the victims as well. This will not a straight forward case, due to the racist harassment. A child of ten is culpable. At ten in the eyes of the law a child knows right from wrong.

You need to keep calm. Speak only to those you are obliged to speak to, answering the questions you are asked truthfully. Do not volunteer information or opinion to anyone but the police, and absolutely nothing on SM or verbally to anyone else. Do not refer to any details of the incident in messages to your friend. This is a hugely messy situation and the more you speak the more embroiled you will get. Silence is your friend here.

If it was my friend and I'd seen how badly the situation was affecting her and her child? 100% I would not give a statement to the police.

In 2024 I can’t be the only one that is shocked and horrified that this level of racism has been allowed to happen in any school in our country.