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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU MiL want to move closer

155 replies

Carebear2000 · 21/10/2024 09:08

I fully expect to get flamed for this and probably it's for the best so I know I am the one BU but I'm feeling really annoyed by MIL plans to move closer to us.

I get on OK with MIL but we don't have much contact. We don't have much in common but can get on fine when it comes to chat about DCs and DH. I find her quite frustrating as she can be very passive and wants everyone to help her out with everything (looking up train times, directions etc). She needs constant handholding with everything and complains a lot about getting 'old' - she is actually still very young (think under retirement age). She lives a couple of hours away from us which works out well as it means we see her every other month.

Recently however she has started talking more about wanting to move closer to us. She never talks to me about it but only DH. She has an eye on a place about 5 minutes from us. This proposed move is co-inciding with her also deciding she is 'too old' to drive but the area we live in is one which is not very practical to live in without a car. I've spoken to DH about it and said my misgivings but he doesn't seem to see it. Apparently she thinks she will take taxis everywhere (she doesn't have huge amounts of money so I don't think this is realistic in practicality).

AIBU to not be keen on this? I'm really worried that we'll end up running around after her constantly. DH and I both have busy FT jobs and our weekends are often taken up with DC activities and I am worried that we will now have to make time for MIL too. I'm also annoyed that at no point she has thought to ask my opinion about it either.

OP posts:
Scalloplight · 21/10/2024 09:09

I’d be trying to nip this in the bud ASAP. Sorry you’re in this situation!

ExcludedatfiveFML · 21/10/2024 09:16

You can't control what other people do but you can make it crystal clear what you will and won't do, and what your expectations are of your husband.

You won't be available to be her taxi.

You won't accept her being around all the time at weekends.

You won't accept your husband abandoning you all to be her personal servant.

IamnotSethRogan · 21/10/2024 09:16

Well it's a tricky one. You can't stop her moving if she wants to. Similarly, if she has decided on getting old before her time, her not living close might just make things more difficult for you. If she's decided she doesn't want to do much for herself, better she's up the road than expecting DH to drop everything and travel to her.

Manyshelves · 21/10/2024 09:17

What @ExcludedatfiveFML said.

Set these boundaries now

JovLane · 21/10/2024 09:17

You can't control where anyone chooses to live.

You can choose how you manage this if she moves, as can your DH.

lizzyBennet08 · 21/10/2024 09:19

Agreed you can decide where she moves to but I'd make it. Dry clear to your dh that you're not going to be her carer so as long as he is prepared to do all the running around after her , that's fine .

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 21/10/2024 09:23

You'll be here in 10 years or so moaning that she lives a couple of hours away and needs help so DH has to go there every weekend.

She sounds very sensible be considering moving closer to you. I wish my PIL's would do the same!

I'd be embracing this conversation but guiding it more. So perhaps identify some towns nearby within a short drive of you, that have good amenities and public transport options. That way she'll be closer but also independent. Perhaps explain taxis arent so easy to get rurally (they aren't here!) and you'd be unable to drive her.

Dont be annoyed and passive. Be positive and pro active.

UncharteredWaters · 21/10/2024 09:24

I’d be brutal with DH about his responsibility.

clear to mil that she won’t manage without a car and maybe it would be better to go to sheltered care here, especially since when the kids are up a bit you’re thinking of moving to x miles away.

Entertherubicon · 21/10/2024 09:30

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 21/10/2024 09:23

You'll be here in 10 years or so moaning that she lives a couple of hours away and needs help so DH has to go there every weekend.

She sounds very sensible be considering moving closer to you. I wish my PIL's would do the same!

I'd be embracing this conversation but guiding it more. So perhaps identify some towns nearby within a short drive of you, that have good amenities and public transport options. That way she'll be closer but also independent. Perhaps explain taxis arent so easy to get rurally (they aren't here!) and you'd be unable to drive her.

Dont be annoyed and passive. Be positive and pro active.

I'd agree with this stance and also mention to her about medical care in old age. She needs to be in a town with good healthcare, shopping, transport & social facilities. She can be close to dh but in a town which is better suited to her stage of life.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 21/10/2024 09:31

Yes I think the only option is being very clear with her about the transport situation, and most importantly with your DH about your position/ his responsibility.

I would say not only that he has to do any caring/ running around but that there shouldn’t be a corresponding drop in the amount of ferrying the DC that he does.

Is she attracted to cheap house prices resulting from the lack of public transport?

You could also say you’re considering relocating to an area with better transport as the kids get older as it sounds a tricky place to live with teens!

Or alternatively recommend nearish places that do have good transport links.

Original poster
Carebear2000 · 21/10/2024 09:37

She currently lives close to DH's brother and in an area with good transport links which she has lived in for over 30 years.

I have been very open with DH that I am not prepared to become her carer. I already have elderly DP's who live not that far away from us and I am over there regularly as DM is not likely to live into the New Year. However those visits are during work hours and I do not expect DH to help out with my parents. I think DH thinks I am being quite hard hearted saying that I am not prepared to help out with her at all.

My worry is that I am very much the organiser of our household & I will end up organising MiL's too. I really don't want to get into that situation. I fully expect if MiL moves close to us DH will be roped in to going around there all the time as she is extremely emotionally dependent.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 21/10/2024 09:40

Well you are looking after your parents, so HE needs to look after his when the time comes surely?

Why does he think you should look after his?

MSLRT · 21/10/2024 09:41

How awful that you might have to 'make time for your MIL' in your lives. Why shouldn't she live nearer to her son? Maybe he might like her around more - it is his mum after all. Why not think of it from a positive point of view. That she could help out with child care for example or that your children will benefit from a relationship with her. You cannot stop her moving near you so why not try giving her some confidence about her driving and encourage her not to give up. Talk to her about U3A or volunteering positions. Give her some tips about building a social life for herself.

Irridescantshimmmer · 21/10/2024 09:43

YADNBU

She'll be relying on you and DH constantly for lifts because she can't afford taxis.

5128gap · 21/10/2024 09:52

Your H needs to decide how much support he is comfortable giving to her and lay that out clearly so she can make an informed decision about the move. You can't tell her where to live or what she can and can't manage. All you (he) can do is set his own stall out for her. Then if she decides to move anyway, thats her choice. If he is genuinely too busy to help her or give her lifts, he can't magic more hours into his day, so she'll have to manage without.

DeathNote11 · 21/10/2024 09:59

Could be nice having her around but your DH needs to go into this with his eyes wide open because it does sound like later life care is one of MIL's motivations. You need to set very firm boundaries & make them known. Often, the low level support (like you noted in your OP) builds up so gradually you don't really pay attention until one day, you suddenly realise that you've become a primary carer with no life of your own.

PussInBin20 · 21/10/2024 10:00

Why would she move to be closer to your DH when she already lives close to the other son and there are better amenities?

Icedlattewithvanilla · 21/10/2024 10:05

MSLRT · 21/10/2024 09:41

How awful that you might have to 'make time for your MIL' in your lives. Why shouldn't she live nearer to her son? Maybe he might like her around more - it is his mum after all. Why not think of it from a positive point of view. That she could help out with child care for example or that your children will benefit from a relationship with her. You cannot stop her moving near you so why not try giving her some confidence about her driving and encourage her not to give up. Talk to her about U3A or volunteering positions. Give her some tips about building a social life for herself.

It sounds like DH wouldn’t be the one doing it, and it would all fall on OP. How is that fair?
It also sounds like she wouldn’t help do any of those things you mentioned

LookItsMeAgain · 21/10/2024 10:05

@Carebear2000 - Is there a reason why she is moving away from one of her sons (your BiL) to be closer to another (your DH)? Is your BiL moving away?

You wrote "I have been very open with DH that I am not prepared to become her carer. I think DH thinks I am being quite hard hearted saying that I am not prepared to help out with her at all."

You are well within your rights to not look after this woman. She is your mother-IN-LAW and not your biological mother. You say you get on with her but you are not likely to want to have to shower her or help clean her up if she soils herself in years to come. That is where having a good carer network set up comes into its own. You say she is thinking of moving from an area with good transport links which is what she will need in the future.

Your DH needs to have a very grown up conversation with his brother about the future care needs of their mother, and not factor you in on that conversation at all.

thepariscrimefiles · 21/10/2024 10:07

If your MIL is under retirement age, surely she can be self-sufficient if she moves near to you? I assume that she is not working. Did she take early retirement?

I'm not sure why your DH who doesn't help you care for your parents is hurt that you don't want to care for his mum.

You definitely need to set boundaries about what you will and won't do if she does move. If she can't afford taxis and doesn't want to drive, she can get the bus.

Like another poster said, I'm not sure why she is leaving an area with better amenities where she is close to her other son. Does she have any friends where she currently lives? Is she sociable enough to make her own friends if she moves or will she rely on you and your DH for her social life?

Dotto · 21/10/2024 10:09

He is annoyed that you have said (perfectly reasonably) that you will not be her carer? Outrageous. Are you sure they haven't cooked up this scheme between themselves?!

MrRobinsonsQuango · 21/10/2024 10:10

Carebear2000 · 21/10/2024 09:37

She currently lives close to DH's brother and in an area with good transport links which she has lived in for over 30 years.

I have been very open with DH that I am not prepared to become her carer. I already have elderly DP's who live not that far away from us and I am over there regularly as DM is not likely to live into the New Year. However those visits are during work hours and I do not expect DH to help out with my parents. I think DH thinks I am being quite hard hearted saying that I am not prepared to help out with her at all.

My worry is that I am very much the organiser of our household & I will end up organising MiL's too. I really don't want to get into that situation. I fully expect if MiL moves close to us DH will be roped in to going around there all the time as she is extremely emotionally dependent.

How much help does your husband do for your parents? I’m curious as his expectations of you seem quite high

I would set my stall out very clearly to her and your husband. So she’s not expecting to be driven around, being taken shopping, landing up at your house for dinner and or lunch every weekend. Personally l need the weekends to decompress after the week and catch up on washing, cooking etc. Not for running round after an adult who is perfectly capable of doing things for herself but doesn’t appear to want to!

Dotto · 21/10/2024 10:10

She's probably wanting to move as her other son or his wife has made it clear they won't be a future carer either 😂

Original poster
Carebear2000 · 21/10/2024 10:10

PussInBin20 · 21/10/2024 10:00

Why would she move to be closer to your DH when she already lives close to the other son and there are better amenities?

I think part of the issue is she has a DGS there & they used to visit her every week but he is now older and leaving home and so no longer does this.

We live in quite a nice area & I think she sees the rose tinted view when she comes for a weekend. Obviously then we have blocked out the whole weekend for her and plan activities and nice things to do and we take her everywhere.

OP posts:
MrRobinsonsQuango · 21/10/2024 10:11

UncharteredWaters · 21/10/2024 09:24

I’d be brutal with DH about his responsibility.

clear to mil that she won’t manage without a car and maybe it would be better to go to sheltered care here, especially since when the kids are up a bit you’re thinking of moving to x miles away.

I don’t think she’s old enough for sheltered care by the sound of things