AIBU MiL want to move closer

[Carebear2000]

I fully expect to get flamed for this and probably it's for the best so I know I am the one BU but I'm feeling really annoyed by MIL plans to move closer to us.

I get on OK with MIL but we don't have much contact. We don't have much in common but can get on fine when it comes to chat about DCs and DH. I find her quite frustrating as she can be very passive and wants everyone to help her out with everything (looking up train times, directions etc). She needs constant handholding with everything and complains a lot about getting 'old' - she is actually still very young (think under retirement age). She lives a couple of hours away from us which works out well as it means we see her every other month.

Recently however she has started talking more about wanting to move closer to us. She never talks to me about it but only DH. She has an eye on a place about 5 minutes from us. This proposed move is co-inciding with her also deciding she is 'too old' to drive but the area we live in is one which is not very practical to live in without a car. I've spoken to DH about it and said my misgivings but he doesn't seem to see it. Apparently she thinks she will take taxis everywhere (she doesn't have huge amounts of money so I don't think this is realistic in practicality).

AIBU to not be keen on this? I'm really worried that we'll end up running around after her constantly. DH and I both have busy FT jobs and our weekends are often taken up with DC activities and I am worried that we will now have to make time for MIL too. I'm also annoyed that at no point she has thought to ask my opinion about it either.

I don't think that you are being unreasonable to say to your husband that there isn't room in your life to be a carer or taxi service for your Mil. I do think that you need to be a bit careful not to ummm "suggest"? "project"? "model?" the sentiment "I don't like your mother and I don't want her near us" I do agree with @mummabubs and @ExcludedatfiveFML that you do need to have a conversation directly with your Mil but to try and frame it as a friendly expression of concern rather than starting a war.

She is going to find it very lonely living in a place with poor transport links, away from her friends, where she has to take a taxi to get anywhere. With you and your DH working full time I'd discourage her moving just based on that alone.

She's not mentioned it to you - slight game playing here i think.

You could be slightly canny back and when the time feels right say lightly but sort of meaningfully to MIL ''DH and i have been discussing you thinking of moving here .... !''.

The revealing of the fact that DH has told you about it, and the fact that the pair of you have talked about it will send a subtle message.

You can then go to talk with concern about why she's uprooting from her friends and health network. And about the various genuine issues you see with her moving to that area without a car - the need for transport, the price of taxis, ect.

I wouldn't at this point say anything about who's doing what at weekends ect. I'd just sow the seed that at this point it doesn't feel a sensible idea.

(if it was me and it was at all the case i'd have to sneak in a hint about how we might not be living there forever ...)

Agree 100%.

How old are your kids OP?
(sorry if i've missed that)

Primary school age

Oh.
I was going to say if they're near uni age you could mutter about moving to facilitate that in some way.
Maybe not 😂

I love that my DH is such a good son but I think he would feel obligated to pop over all the time to help her out which would then leave me picking up the slack at home.

Yes, we haven't got it 100% right but part of our original conversations when this was all happening was that both him and MIL needed to realise that 90% of the time, he doesn't need to jump to whatever it is she needs IMMEDIATELY. It CAN be planned and scheduled. And also, that he has to be mindful. Sure, take her shopping and if there's time, go get lunch or coffee, absolutely. BUT.... don't just do that without stopping to think about what's happening at home. Does the dog need walking? Am I having to do all the kids activities and not getting time to sit down for even a cup of tea etc.

And in the nicest possible way, even when your DH is one of the "good ones" which mine is, and sounds like yours too, the fact is that society tells men that they are more important, that their needs/wants are more important, that whatever they're doing is more valuable than whatever the woman is doing. So it's very very easy for them to slip back into assuming someone else will do everything else. In DH's case - he hates rushing anywhere. But my point to him ow is that sometimes he has to rush. Because you know what? There are 1000 things that have to be done so yes, sometimes you have to tell your mum to be ready for you to collect her and not be relaxed about sitting around for 40 minutes while she's faffing about because I need you to be back home in less than an hour.....

So let me get this right - based on what you've posted so far, your mother in law

1. Doesn't Cook for herself
2. Doesn't work

What does she do?

What are her interests?

I'd not be running to be this persons aide or helper as you've also said that they don't have huge amounts of money but they do need help with basic things like looking up a train timetable or whatever.

That already sounds terribly tedious.

I know you've said that you don't want to do anything for her but you could reach out to her and lay it out on the line that when she is coming to visit, you block out your weekend(s) for that visit, but you would expect her to fall in line with whatever you're doing should she decide to move closer to you. You won't be cooking or cleaning for her as you have your own family to look after so she'll have to learn how to do that. You really should explain to her that the nearest GP is 10 mins drive away and that you have no NHS dentists should she require either. You should outline that while she is currently living in an area that has good public transport links, should she decide to move closer to you, that goes out the window. So will socialising with her network of friends that she has where she is currently.

Be practical. Don't gloss over things and be realistic.

@2Old2Tango Some people don't want to learn. I did endless simple tech related jobs for a cousin until in conversation he said that he didn't want to learn, that he "couldn't be bothered ". I can think of other examples. Some people have huge confidence issues but even then, at least trying isn't impossible.

Be careful that your own children don't copy your attitude and behaviour when you are old and vulnerable. You might end up very lonely.

I'm hoping my children will see my independence and willingness to learn and try new things and will do the same! 😊

YABU to think you have the right to say where your MiL should live.
YABU to think she should run her plans by you rather than her son.
YANBU not to have your lives overtaken by your MiL or to end up as her private taxi service but those things aren't inevitable, she can't make you do either.You'll need to have a conversation with your dh about what reasonable support and contact looks like but, at least with her closer, he can pop round to visit without involving you.

Also, for the price of keeping a car on the road you can get an awful lot of taxis. You can point that out to your MiL if she starts to complain.

I'd simply drip feed into conversation
Do you have an NHS dentist. None here - it's costing us a fortune.
That you both do such long days. Leave in the dark, get home in the dark. DH in particular [as she won't give a monkey's about you]
Needing to look at secondary schools already and possible relocation - no public transport for the kids to be vaguely independent in their teens.

Your poor brother in law and his spouse though. Is she this big a drain on him?

Living near to one another really depends on the relationship. We all live very near one another in the same village but there are good boundaries, they have their own lives and we aren't in one another's pockets.

DH is the eldest and seen as very much the 'man of the house' by MIL. He is the one she goes to for advice about everything

Yes - I think it is more a case of won't learn, rather than can't learn. She finds it easier just to get someone else to do it for her!

It's such a fine line between making a successful move or not when you're older. Personally I doubt if your mother-in-law will be capable of the practicalities of moving anyway, if she's a fairly dependant type personality.

I understand your concerns here - if she can't drive and won't have any friends, she'll be very isolated. I wonder why she thinks it's a good idea?

Our daughter actually asked us to consider moving about five years ago when we were in our mid 60's and it took very careful consideration, drawing up a list of pros and cons as to where we would finally end up. For a start we didn't want to be too near, so about half an hour away. Secondly our house is on a main bus route with amenities in the village and surgery and library in the next small town. Also we can get public transport into the nearest city. We are however both drivers too. It was also useful to downshift from a very big country garden with an orchard to a small garden - so that was a positive too.

We do our own thing and try to be helpful, but non intrusive too - treading a fine line here! I see my daughter and family usually about once a week, but it will be for a few hours casually, maybe out for coffee, or me looking after the baby so she can run her errands etc. We like to have our own life, but it sounds as though your mil will be relying on your husband quite a bit?

All you can do is keep the conversation open, try and guide things your way. I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. Actually many years ago we looked after my father after my mum died. (He was 90 though). Even with professional carers, and a great housekeeper it was emotionally draining and affected my young daughter in terms of what we could and couldn't do. There are no winners with parental old age - I feel for you OP. It will be a challenge to get your point of view across without upsetting your husband - you will need to plan your approach carefully.

Good grief, not even retirement ageAre you supposed to run round after
ter her for 30 years? At nearly 70 I am helping with childcare every week and my own very elderly mother. I also manage a good social life, run my home and could not function without my car.She needs to be told that if anything she could be helping you. Tell her there will be no running around for the next 25 years, absent major illness.
If she moves, she sorts her own life. Sorry to be harsh, but the thought of someone being so young deciding to be old makes me laugh.

This is part of what frustrates me so much. She is relatively young and still has (hopefully) many years ahead of her and yet seems to be determined to pigeon hole herself into being old & helpless!
My own DPs are 20 years older and have far more zest for life (even in their final days in my DMs case) and it upsets me to see her disregard her relative youth.

I'd casually mention to her that you're thinking of relocating to the other side of the country in a few years...

Why doesn't she work ? What does she live on ?

So he does nothing to help with your parents but expects you to help with his DM?

I don't expect him to. He absolutely would if I asked him.

She took early retirement. She has a (small) pension