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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU MiL want to move closer

155 replies

Carebear2000 · 21/10/2024 09:08

I fully expect to get flamed for this and probably it's for the best so I know I am the one BU but I'm feeling really annoyed by MIL plans to move closer to us.

I get on OK with MIL but we don't have much contact. We don't have much in common but can get on fine when it comes to chat about DCs and DH. I find her quite frustrating as she can be very passive and wants everyone to help her out with everything (looking up train times, directions etc). She needs constant handholding with everything and complains a lot about getting 'old' - she is actually still very young (think under retirement age). She lives a couple of hours away from us which works out well as it means we see her every other month.

Recently however she has started talking more about wanting to move closer to us. She never talks to me about it but only DH. She has an eye on a place about 5 minutes from us. This proposed move is co-inciding with her also deciding she is 'too old' to drive but the area we live in is one which is not very practical to live in without a car. I've spoken to DH about it and said my misgivings but he doesn't seem to see it. Apparently she thinks she will take taxis everywhere (she doesn't have huge amounts of money so I don't think this is realistic in practicality).

AIBU to not be keen on this? I'm really worried that we'll end up running around after her constantly. DH and I both have busy FT jobs and our weekends are often taken up with DC activities and I am worried that we will now have to make time for MIL too. I'm also annoyed that at no point she has thought to ask my opinion about it either.

OP posts:
MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 25/10/2024 12:25

Have you actually spoken to MIL about her thoughts/plans to move closer to you? By you, I mean YOU not your DH. If not, could you start a conversation with her, and tell her your concerns for her well being, and that you and your DH may decide to move to a different area in a few years time, when the children are older. Hearing that alone, might be enough to make her think twice about the location she's thinking of moving to, as obviously she's not going to want to go to the expense, and emotional uproar of moving, only to find that you up sticks and move away. Ask her her reasons for wanting to move, if she says it's so she can see more of your children, point out that they too will be grown up within a few short years, as her GC elsewhere have done, and so while she might have a year or two of seeing more of them than she does now, it won't last. As a woman, if you get on reasonably well with her under normal circumstances, she may be more chatty about the idea than she is with her son, plus, often things are lost in translation, ie, your DH might tell you what he thinks he's heard his DM say, but in actual fact, she might be saying something totally different. I've found with a lot of men in particular, that if you ask them about a conversation they've had, they can't remember most of what's been said, as they don't tend to listen in the same way that women do, and also don't tend to pick up on the nuances of conversation, like a woman does either. I may be totally wrong, and your DH might be perfect at explaining things, and understanding what's been said, but the book 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus', didn't come from nowhere.

I would try and make time for this conversation sooner rather than later too, as while I realise your mind will be pretty much focused on your own Mum at this time, which is as it should be, if you leave the conversation with MIL too long, you may find that in her mind a move is done and dusted, and it will be a lot harder to dissuade her from her plans.

Littlemisslaughalot · 25/10/2024 13:03

thepariscrimefiles · 25/10/2024 07:33

She is looking after her own mum who is terminally ill.

She has no obligations to look after her MIL, who actually doesn't have any care needs apart from being unable to live independently without support in her 60s.

I didn't read her MIL has asked to be cared for, maybe some lifts and a few other bits but isn't that what families are for? She seems to be pre-empting an awful lot and showing no thought or consideration to what her husband's mum might want or need. This is her husband's mum not some random relative. She should be cautious if she knows she can be over bearing but she could still be a bit more welcoming.

MrRobinsonsQuango · 25/10/2024 13:24

Littlemisslaughalot · 25/10/2024 13:03

I didn't read her MIL has asked to be cared for, maybe some lifts and a few other bits but isn't that what families are for? She seems to be pre-empting an awful lot and showing no thought or consideration to what her husband's mum might want or need. This is her husband's mum not some random relative. She should be cautious if she knows she can be over bearing but she could still be a bit more welcoming.

People want all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean they need them or they should get them. OP does already have young children and a terminally ill parent so has already done a fair amount of caring. She is allowed to work, have her own life etc

Littlemisslaughalot · 25/10/2024 14:07

MrRobinsonsQuango · 25/10/2024 13:24

People want all kinds of things. Doesn’t mean they need them or they should get them. OP does already have young children and a terminally ill parent so has already done a fair amount of caring. She is allowed to work, have her own life etc

Yes absolutely agree she is definitely allowed to have her own life and it sounds like she has a lot on. But a mum is allowed to want to be closer to her child and her grandchildren. She can move if she wants to and if her son has an issue with this he can tell her. I've read nothing to indicate MIL isn't a nice person and should be kept at arms length, I've only read how daughter in law doesn't want to care for her, fair enough but doesn't mean she can't still move closer.

Marika124 · 21/01/2025 11:52

MIL wants us to move closer.

We live 40 min drive from her. She’s a lovely person, and we get on well.
However, I also like my space and if I’m honest she can be a bit overbearing, calling me every other day. Again I like my own space and I would be happy with just one call a week, and one visit a week max.

We have a 2 year old and expecting another baby. While I understand she wants to spend time with her grandchildren I really don’t think I can cope seeing/ talking to her more than once a week. When we move closer I have a feeling she’ll want to come every other day. And I’ll have this anxiety that she may show up at our doorstep. I already get this weird feeling when she calls me every other day, because I don’t want to be rude and ignore her but at the same time I don’t feel like talking, then I’m left feeling angry/ resentful.

She lives by herself, and is currently not in work, and may not go back. So she has plenty of spare time, and since she’s been off work we have been talking , visiting her more often. But I really cannot do more than once a week thing.

I told my partner I’d prefer to stay in our area, I know it well, it’s cheaper rent, I have a mum friend here and I know all the baby groups etc.

My partner sort of agreed, but yesterday I heard him talk to his mum and she was talking about moving to her area. He told her we’re still looking so we’re not sure, but it makes me so anxious because I don’t have to have this conversation with her, and I have a feeling she’ll want to talk to me about it.

Agghhhh am I being unreasonable? Am I horrible for not wanting to move closer to her?
I really don’t know how to go about it, I hate this anxiety..

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