AIBU MiL want to move closer

[Carebear2000]

I fully expect to get flamed for this and probably it's for the best so I know I am the one BU but I'm feeling really annoyed by MIL plans to move closer to us.

I get on OK with MIL but we don't have much contact. We don't have much in common but can get on fine when it comes to chat about DCs and DH. I find her quite frustrating as she can be very passive and wants everyone to help her out with everything (looking up train times, directions etc). She needs constant handholding with everything and complains a lot about getting 'old' - she is actually still very young (think under retirement age). She lives a couple of hours away from us which works out well as it means we see her every other month.

Recently however she has started talking more about wanting to move closer to us. She never talks to me about it but only DH. She has an eye on a place about 5 minutes from us. This proposed move is co-inciding with her also deciding she is 'too old' to drive but the area we live in is one which is not very practical to live in without a car. I've spoken to DH about it and said my misgivings but he doesn't seem to see it. Apparently she thinks she will take taxis everywhere (she doesn't have huge amounts of money so I don't think this is realistic in practicality).

AIBU to not be keen on this? I'm really worried that we'll end up running around after her constantly. DH and I both have busy FT jobs and our weekends are often taken up with DC activities and I am worried that we will now have to make time for MIL too. I'm also annoyed that at no point she has thought to ask my opinion about it either.

I feel like other posters have said, you probably can’t stop her moving. With the hassle of looking for property, selling her place, buying a new place and moving, is she really keen on going through all that? Hopefully she’s just all talk.

My MIL sounds similar - extreme emotional dependence on my DH. Whenever he talks to her over the phone, she saps all his energy and he’s in a bad mood 😒

This is a very sensible answer indeed. Given that if she chooses to move, you will not be able to, nor would it be reasonable to attempt to, stop her, it’s best to try and guide this in a positive way.

The other son has probably made it clear they won't be her carer either.
I would just tell her honestly that you are so busy with your own life & parents that you wouldn't be able to see her much and that you enjoy your weekends with her instead when you can give her that time.

But don't let her do it, my mil lives near us and is trying to get me & DH to become her carers and it's a nightmare. Never let yourself get into that situation.

Can she afford to move?

Has she taken into account all the additional costs - stamp duty, movers etc?

And sit your DH down and have a really firm conversation about what will happen. Get it through his head.

I assume she doesn't work? Does she have friends where she is now? What does she do all day?

DH doesn't really do anything for my parents and I don't expect him to either. It's not that he expects me to do things for his MiL - I think he was just quite surprised how forthright I was that I didn't want to run around after her.

My exact thing is that that I do need the weekends to decompress. Life is very hectic and the rare bit of time we have free on the weekend I don't want to spend with my MiL. She doesn't cook so I would end up having to cook Sunday lunch for her too and the fact of the matter is that I don't get on well enough with her to want to spend my spare time with her!

I'm not sure if she's thought about the costs involved. She is not very practical. Our area is not very cheap either.

She doesn't work. I think she has friends where she is so I don't see why she'd want to leave them. I worry she will find it very isolating here and then become dependent on us.

Part of the problem is that she hasn't included me in any of these discussions so I only hear them second hand from DH. If she spoke to me I would also point out the practicality that the nearest available doctor is a 10 minute drive away and we have no NHS dentists!!

This is literally what I was about to type.
I understand your feelings around this OP, I think your best (and only?) option is to communicate boundaries to both DH and MiL separately so that she's under no illusion as to what moving 5 minutes away from you would look like, and so that DH knows how you're likely to feel should he suddenly be regularly unavailable for your family.

I’ll give you one guess!

It does sound like her expectations might be unrealistically high based on her weekend visits. Are you and your DH in a financial position to rent a cottage/flat/park-home for her for 6-8 weeks to show her the reality of living in an area with few amenities. Better to experience the reality of a cold, dark winter with no shops and no public transport before buying a house in the area and regretting it.

I think you are being a tad harsh. My in laws half expect us to move back to my husbands home town 500+ miles away from where we have made our own home!

Could you suggest a town that is nearby, with transport and things for her to get involved with? Getting a suitable property she can age in before she needs it is a great idea.
If you live rurally it’s not like she will be able to drop in- but your DH could pop in for a cupper a couple of times a week. You might find she is more confident knowing her family is just down the road.

I also feel you and your husband could maybe think about handling your parents as a team? Rather than “I’ll look after mine and you look after yours”. Besides you can’t moan at her not consulting you if you have no intention of helping.

She doesn’t cook either?! @Carebear2000 What does she do? Another firm no to every Sunday dinner, surely she learns to cook a roast or eats something else. I wouldn’t get involved in the moving process either, as by the sounds of things she will feign helplessness and expect your husband or you to deal with it all. Im guessing that’s how shes gone through life

And transversely, why is it okay for you to look after yours but not him to look after his, OP?

So yet another "we do it for my parents but how dare my in laws want the same" post.

Really, just remember, you'll be a MIL one day.

I meant to also say sorry that your own mother is so unwell.

But her husband doesn't help with her parents, why should op help her mother in law when her husband doesn't help with her own parents?

Not to mention op has a full time job, kids, and two parents who she cares for already where is op supposed to magic the time for care for another person?

But we don't do it for my parents? They have independent lives and literally need no help. The only reason I visit so much at the moment is that my DM has weeks left to live! I go during the daytime during the week and that has zero impact on my DH and DC.

OP parents are actually elderly and in poor health. There’s no mention of them being demanding and unwilling / unable to do life. Plus there are OP’s parents and her husband gives no assistance, quite the opposite to what he is expecting / demanding for his mother

I think telling him he has to stop his mother moving near him when your parents are local is a pretty awful. So your kids get to see your parents regularly but they only have to put up having to see his a few times a year?

However you are absolutely right to make it clear you have no capacity to care for another person now or long term and that it's his job to facilitate that, not yours

I agree that this crops up quite a lot here, but I think the OP's situation is a little different.

"We" are not looking after OP's parents. She is. However, "we" might be expected to look after her parents in law. Because patriarchy.

MIL is early 60s and in good health. OP's parents are elderly and her mother is actively dying. Incomparable.

I think there's quite a lot here. Personally, the next time you DO see her, I'd address some of your concerns, "MIL, DH tells me you're thinking of moving closer to us? It would be lovely to have you nearer for the DGC but what about your friends and your life/ Andyou know how crazy it is with young kids so it's not like we could spend eevry weekend driving you around..." etc

As someone whose MIL has moved closer, and whose DH really does try, I can tell you that even in the relatively good situation we have, it's hard. She can be quite helpless and frail and part of me absolutely loves that DH is stepping up to help her. But sometimes I also get really frustrated. We had a discussion minor argument about this just last week. He hadn't seen her much the week before so was feeling guilty. As a result, we were on something like the 8th consecutive day of him going over to hers for a bit after work. He was leaving in time to fetch kids/activities etc... but of course, he just completely ignored the fact that those 90-120 minutes a day was time that he would usually use to do at least one chore and it was all being done by me instead as a result. It's like the magic fairy who steps in and does his share of the shopping, cleaning, washing, dog walking etc....

To be fair, he realised and apologised instantly. But it makes me so frustrated becuase I have to raise it.

My point is that it's always a tightrope, even when no one is purposefully taking the piss, so I don't blame you for being concerned. I do think you have ot be very clear about where you draw the line. Right up front I said to DH that of course I understood he needs to help her, but that he needs to remember that doing that means I am often the one stepping into the gap here and that there's a fine line between helping out and me starting to get seriously pissed off (or the children being neglected - we used to have this when she visited int he past. She was so demanding that the children would get upset as Dh would never be able to do anything with them for more than about 10 minutes or would disappear off. He did completely stop that when I pointed it out, but it's exhausting having to be the one pointing it out all the time)

*So yet another "we do it for my parents but how dare my in laws want the same" post.

Really, just remember, you'll be a MIL one day.*

This

Posters on MN are so harsh about their MILs

She can move where she likes

I think you are being not only reasonable but practical. MIL being nearer maybe, not somewhere where she could live without a car. Sad to think of someone in their sixties being so negative in a way.

Sorry to hear about your DM.

Thank you. I think this is what my concern is. I love that my DH is such a good son but I think he would feel obligated to pop over all the time to help her out which would then leave me picking up the slack at home.

I should also point out that my DC's don't actually see my DP's all the time! In fact, before things got so bad with my DM, I would say MiL saw them more as my DP's were always so busy with their own lives!! Now we have visited a bit more although I think those visits will now need to wind down as DM gets more frail as I don't want DCs to remember her like that.

Also factor in even if you put your foot down and refuse to become chief taxi driver, your DH will be guilt tripped into it.

Soon your DH will be using up half his annual leave and weekends ferrying her around which also has a huge detrimental impact on your family time.

My widowed non-driving MIL is in a care home now but her constant demands of DH before that became unbearable and despite initially refusing to be her free on call taxi, I did end up having to do it as my DH was never getting a break. It became the most stressful soul destroying time of our whole marriage.

I think I'd be making a list for DH with all pertinent points, eg

• MiL won't be near transport/shopping hubs
• Taxis everywhere would be expensive
• She will have no friends nearby and potentially not near hobby/meet up places where she could make new friends - she'll be lonely
• You will be too busy looking after your kids/parents/household/working to be able to find additional time to look after MiL's needs (you need downtime too)
• It is his responsibility to look after his DM, but you don't want him to become her emotional crutch or neglect his own family to be her taxi/maintenance man etc

There will be loads more to add. I'd also include what would be more practical if she's intent on moving, that you feel would work for you as a family.

I find it sad that some people - often women - get to a position where they're still relatively young but have no experience/confidence for doing even the simplest of tasks such as looking up train times. Technology has been around for decades now and it shouldn't be alien to someone under 65. Even my DM, who is 88 and was a complete technophobe, has learned how to do basic things on a tablet since being widowed a few years ago.