AIBU MiL want to move closer

[Carebear2000]

I fully expect to get flamed for this and probably it's for the best so I know I am the one BU but I'm feeling really annoyed by MIL plans to move closer to us.

I get on OK with MIL but we don't have much contact. We don't have much in common but can get on fine when it comes to chat about DCs and DH. I find her quite frustrating as she can be very passive and wants everyone to help her out with everything (looking up train times, directions etc). She needs constant handholding with everything and complains a lot about getting 'old' - she is actually still very young (think under retirement age). She lives a couple of hours away from us which works out well as it means we see her every other month.

Recently however she has started talking more about wanting to move closer to us. She never talks to me about it but only DH. She has an eye on a place about 5 minutes from us. This proposed move is co-inciding with her also deciding she is 'too old' to drive but the area we live in is one which is not very practical to live in without a car. I've spoken to DH about it and said my misgivings but he doesn't seem to see it. Apparently she thinks she will take taxis everywhere (she doesn't have huge amounts of money so I don't think this is realistic in practicality).

AIBU to not be keen on this? I'm really worried that we'll end up running around after her constantly. DH and I both have busy FT jobs and our weekends are often taken up with DC activities and I am worried that we will now have to make time for MIL too. I'm also annoyed that at no point she has thought to ask my opinion about it either.

Your post said

Be careful that your own children don't copy your attitude and behaviour when you are old and vulnerable. You might end up very lonely.

Struggling to find any other interpretation tbh.

Don't infer things that aren't there. When the OP is old and vulnerable, they might need support from their own children ... who might have learned that it's OK to think of yourself and ignore your relative's needs. I haven't commented on the OP's relative's age or situation. HTH.

Why would someone who is under 65 need help from their children, unless they have some sort of debilitating illness?

That’s exactly the right distance. It worked with my parents until the very end of them living in their own home at which point I’d have preferred them to be next door when the phone rang at 4am.

I don't follow your logic, but I appreciate you taking the time to explain your post.

That’s not always true I’m afraid. My Mum and DH’s Mum were widowed at 58 & 59, both having been married 40 years. Without so much as a bill in their name. DF and DFIL were both controlling, under the guise of being the breadwinner. They both needed an incredible amount of help to become (fairly) independent and my Mum still needs a fair bit of help
now (widowed 4 years ago, she’s 62 now) DMIL is dead
now so not such a burden.

It’s not physical frailness but they never had to be independent before. DH and I found/find both of them needy and hard work to be honest and we have been very clear about boundaries from the off. But losing our Fathers & then MIL made us very determined that we’d try and keep our relationship with my Mother as strong as possible so we grit our teeth and practice tolerance while trying to encourage independence. People may think that’s pathetic as my Mum is only 62 but she can’t be the only woman in this kind of situation. And those women are probably not hugely represented on Mumsnet as they might not be big online people.

Im not saying people should run themselves into the ground caring for stubborn relatives who won’t help themselves. I’m saying that sometimes it’s not as straightforward as them being awkward and needy. And you certainly miss them when they’re not here, no matter how annoying they are.

It seems unusual that both your mum and your MIL were not able to cope and live independently after the deaths of this husbands. Your mum is 4 years younger than me and I associate that complete dependence on their husbands with my parent's generation not my own. Did your mum never work outside the home?

You'll have to all suddenly be unavailable.

Or go in the taxi somewhere with her to start with

You don't like her it's obvious.
Otherwise you wouldn't post.
As people have said remember it might be you one day.

They could live independently and indeed my Mum does now but it took help and support. My MIL had MH issues, and had been very reliant on her husband. Although over reliant we discovered as she was able to gain some independence.

My Mum did work, she still does now, she just never did any of the running of the house barring cooking, cleaning or child raising. Neither of them and a clue about their financial situations when their husbands died. My Mum has definitely got (undiagnosed obviously) dyslexia and dyscalcula (sp!) so letters, bills etc… she really struggled with. This must be fairly common in a generation who went to school before knowledge of such conditions existed. Both of them were quite a bit younger than their husbands, which I think was fairly common back in the 70s and 80s? So I don’t know if that had any bearing on it? Neither really had friends outside of the home either. In fact, my Dad (who she won’t have a bad word said about) was discouraging of her friendships.

I agree it’s sad and when I speak to my Mum it frustrates me that it feels like I’m talking to an 80 year old as opposed to the women her age that I work with. However, they can’t be the only ones!

I have a friend in her 60's who had never paid a bill or done any home admin in her married life. It was just the way she and her late husband divvied up the jobs between them. She worked outside the house, raised 2 kids, all the usual things except he managed the finances.

The compromise that we have that works (mostly) is that she can't expect everyone to drop everything to drive her around. And to give her her due, she has really respected this (I have had my moments with my MIL but I really do appreciate that she does try hard to accept and accomodate other people's needs .... she just needs them pointed out to her first). So now she plans ahead and if arranging things like to and from shopping will quite happily go sit in a coffee shop if we say that we can't collect until a bit later or whatever.

Although I think I terrify her because deep down she knows these boundaries are mine - a couple of weeks ago DH had planned collect her from the local shopping center and for whatever reason, it made more sense for me to do it. So I happily rolled up, loaded her in the car etc, totally chilled,.... but she was very stressed and apologetic! I felt quite bad actually but she relaxed over a cup of tea later.

Also consider how long you might continue to live there - might you move for DCs schools, as they get older for DCs social life & to reduce the need for you to act as taxi, woukd a new job for one of you take you elsewhere in the country?

My parents nearly moved to be closer to my brother & his family - good job they didn't as he's now living 1.5 hrs from that location in a sudden move.

Actually, I do like her. I get frustrated by her because we are very different people in terms of her attitude to life. For the most part that doesn’t bother me, it is only in this case when it is potentially threatening to impact my life that I am upset about it.

This is the other thing - I can’t say 100% that we will stay in this area. DH & I regularly play fantasy Rightmove which could potentially turn into a real move for the right house!

When the OP is old and vulnerable, they might need support from their own children ... who might have learned that it's OK to think of yourself and ignore your relative's needs. I haven't commented on the OP's relative's age or situation. HTH.

But when it comes to support there is a difference between can't do it and won't do it. If someone has been as independent as possible but gets to a stage where they can't anymore people will be willing to help. If someone (like the OP's MIL), who isn't old and vulnerable at this point, can't be arsed to even try but just expects everyone to say how high when she says jump I would be a lot less willing.

And the OP sounds like she'd be in the former category. So she may well find that her children don't ignore her needs. Because they're needs. What the MIL is asking are not needs they're wants to make her life easier, but they are things that she is capable of doing for herself if only she cba.

I think you need to make it clear to your MIL that you are not in your "forever" house and regardless of where she lives, you could be moving next year or in 3 or 5 years, so she certainly shouldn't move away from friends, family and easy transport links etc for you.

This woman is in her early 60s, a time when most people are holding down full time jobs as well as running a home and she's stopped driving and doesn't seem capable of doing basic tasks without help, I would find that very hard work.

We all know of people, whether friends or family, that we'd be happy to have living on our street and others that would be a bloody nightmare and everything inbetween. So for all those saying the OP is being mean not to want this, consider how you'd feel if a time-vampire was coming to live close to you, who would drain your family of valuable time, energy and money because they (at a mere 60-ish yrs old) didn't want to do basic tasks.

It's not because she's a MIL, it's her attitude to life and desire to be served that's the problem.

This, but SHE can pay for it. She is the one who wants to move, she should be the one to do the research. As far as I can see the ONLY advantage of moving would be to have your DH close by. She's moving away from her other DS because his children don't want to see so much of her? What's she going to do when YOUR children don't want to see her either? Because they will have independent lives very soon too.

I really can't stand these women who come over all 'ooh, I'm just a poor, helpless old lady' when they want to surrender all thinking to a Big Strong Man. Especially when, by the sound of it, she's the same age as me (no Big Strong Men in the offing for me, my kids all have busy lives, so I'm training for a half marathon).

You could be talking about my MIL, who is also completely emotionally dependant on DH, stopped working and moved away from her friends and family to be closer to us despite everyone telling her it was a bad idea.

It is awful. The guilt trips about how she moved here to spend time with us yet “I barely ever see you!” (Because we work full time with children who have clubs and social lives etc), and then the crying. She is incredibly lonely, which is obviously sad, but then when we do spend time with her the neediness and desperation and crying “please don’t leave me alone!” obviously makes my DH feel like shit, makes my kids uncomfortable and makes me bloody angry (She’s 62, btw, and in fine health).

You are 100% doing the right thing by setting your stall out early. I know you can’t stop her moving but keep your boundaries rock solid!

@BIossomtoes yep we live in Bath and he's going to Frome. We were looking in Bath and Bradford on Avon but nothing he liked was available or in budget- as it is he really likes Frome anyway and the fact it's quite hip he likes that too- he did say he didn't want to live somewhere 'old' and depressing because where he lives now is like that and was never his choice , it was his partners choice and sadly she's no longer with us. he does love a good night out with us too and has made it clear that he intends to have a bloody good time whilst he is able too and will be paying out for any help ! Cracking bloke- brave too at this stage.

Gosh I fee your pain, I hate this ‘old before time’ attitude. My grandad is 84 and still driving! And loves looking after my son, says it’s keeps him young. My MIL on the other hand is early 60’s and needs hand holding a lot. Luckily we live over an hour away from her so it doesn’t fall on us very often.

Your not being unreasonable to have worries about it. You are being unreasonable to think she should ask your opinion. Unless she was moving in your house it is nothing to do with you where she lives. It would be unreasonable to think you have any say whatsoever in where she lives. Well within your rights to say no if she is asking for help you don't want to give.

She does not need your opinion or permission, the world is getting madder each day

My mil lives 5 mins from us (as did my mam) and it was never a problem. In fact it's an advantage, because can see each other anytime, we invariably don't. I agree with people let your dh know what you will and won't do in relation to her, and stick with it. Maybe it will be nice for the dc to have her nearby?

Sorry OP, I haven't read the full thread, and while I totally agree with you that you shouldn't have to look after your MIL, I do think there are an awful lot of MNetter's who seem to forget that they, in their turn, will get old, and given time, might find that their own kids end up taking this sort of attitude toward them! So please give some thought as to how you would wish to be treated when you get old, and a little scared at how fast moving, and frightening life can seem as the years pass, believe me, you won't all be rushing around and able to do everything that you can do now.

We moved to be nearer to our children and GC about a year ago, after having lived about 250 miles away for quite some time. We're in our 60's, and not in the best of health. However, the reason we moved was not so that we could rely on the family to look after us, but because we were finding it too difficult to care for the large home and garden that we had, and knew that things would only get harder as time went on. The difference is, that we gave a lot of thought to our move, and while we'd have preferred to remain where we were, it was very rural, and not at all practical for when we have to give up driving. We therefore moved to a large village, approximately 30 - 45 minutes drive from family, where there are all the facilities we are likely to need as we get older, but also, so that in an emergency, our family wouldn't be under pressure to drive 5 hours, all the time wondering whether we would still be alive when they got to us.

I guess I've told you this, so that not every adult child automatically assumes that their parents choosing to move nearer to them, means that they expect them to become their carers. In some cases, like ours, the move was aimed at making life easier for ALL of us.