AIBU MiL want to move closer

[Carebear2000]

I fully expect to get flamed for this and probably it's for the best so I know I am the one BU but I'm feeling really annoyed by MIL plans to move closer to us.

I get on OK with MIL but we don't have much contact. We don't have much in common but can get on fine when it comes to chat about DCs and DH. I find her quite frustrating as she can be very passive and wants everyone to help her out with everything (looking up train times, directions etc). She needs constant handholding with everything and complains a lot about getting 'old' - she is actually still very young (think under retirement age). She lives a couple of hours away from us which works out well as it means we see her every other month.

Recently however she has started talking more about wanting to move closer to us. She never talks to me about it but only DH. She has an eye on a place about 5 minutes from us. This proposed move is co-inciding with her also deciding she is 'too old' to drive but the area we live in is one which is not very practical to live in without a car. I've spoken to DH about it and said my misgivings but he doesn't seem to see it. Apparently she thinks she will take taxis everywhere (she doesn't have huge amounts of money so I don't think this is realistic in practicality).

AIBU to not be keen on this? I'm really worried that we'll end up running around after her constantly. DH and I both have busy FT jobs and our weekends are often taken up with DC activities and I am worried that we will now have to make time for MIL too. I'm also annoyed that at no point she has thought to ask my opinion about it either.

My family member decided to do this, live near other family on her dad’s side who she’s only ever seen on holiday when everyone was going out on activities all day, going out for meals, spending time together, having fun. She came over and very quickly realised that everybody was at work, nobody went anywhere except once at the weekend. She was very quickly disillusioned and promptly went to her mum’s area instead, now living her best life.

I would tell your mil you are ridiculously busy, she’ll never see you from one week to the next, there’s no dentists, she’ll need a car, you can’t drive her round. Also point out all of this to your Dh-does he not realise that she will be leaving behind her friends, it’ll cost a fortune to move etc?

Exactly this. She seems very selfish to me. It really makes me wonder how some people can be so mean.

So your DP live close to you, and you go over to theirs regularly?

However it sounds like you are a bit resentful at the idea that your MIL might live close to her son and that he might end up going to see her regularly?

I totally agree that it’s DH not you that should be involved in supporting her, but I think you really need to examine whether in actual fact you just resent the idea of her having any impact on your life, even indirectly through taking some of your DH’s attention and time?

She deserves support as much as your parents do. And if your DH wants to support her, it would be very unfair of you to stop him from doing it.

She’s under retirement age, I think that’s really rude to say that to someone, I would never say that to my mil

I go over regularly at the moment as my mother is dying & wont live into the new year. She is also 20 years old than my MIL & before the cancer became too advanced (about 6 months ago) was very independent. If my MIL was seriously ill I would of course support her & my DH!

I’m not sure if you’ve RTT - I go to my parents regularly (during the day with no impact on home life) because my DM is dying. Not the same

I really wish my MIL had moved nearer us. It took 4hours on a good run to go and visit her.
She seemed to get old quickly. It turned out she had parkinsonism and was genuinely slowing down etc.
Having been a fab cook she stopped cooking and gave up driving before her diagnosis.

First of all ignore the replies that are calling you selfish...

I am always amazed at how many people think it is OK to guilt-trip women like this and to expect them to care for everyone else but never consider their own needs.

I find it a bit odd that she wants to move that close to you and that your partner thinks it is OK to expect you to support her.

You have your kids and your own parents to be concerned with already and you are perfectly right to make it clear to your partner that you won't be adding your MIL to that list...

You can't stop her moving near you but you can make it clear to DH that she's his responsibility, not yours. You have done this so I would leave it at that. If you don't want to spend time with her then don't. Your DH might actually like to have his mum closer and want to spend a bit more time with her.

Just want to send you lots of love at this time - what you are going through with your own mum is incredibly tough and I can’t believe people’s comments about how you are spending time with her. Spend every minute you can and don’t feel any guilt about that.

it makes it even more frustrating for your MIL to be playing the old and vulnerable card when she doesn’t need to when you know your own mum would do anything she could to be back on her feet and living her independent life.

as regards your MIL, even if you had the best relationship in the world it feels like a big adjustment for everyone if she were to move given her circumstances. I think you are right to make sure she really thinks it through and that you set those boundaries. Hopefully she’s useless enough she won’t actually get round to doing it!

Then she shouldn't expect any help from the OP either.

Has the MIL said or expected this?

She is looking after her own mum who is terminally ill.

She has no obligations to look after her MIL, who actually doesn't have any care needs apart from being unable to live independently without support in her 60s.

OP envisiges that she will need help with lots of things as she is quite helpless even though she is below retirement age. OP is caring for her much older terminally ill mum and has told her DH that she won't be able to care for her MIL if she does move. Her DH was quite shocked so he was obviously hoping that OP would step up to help care for her MIL.

I just want to say I’m so sorry your DM is dying. You must be under so much stress and not fair of MIL to be adding to that.

I'm a boy mum and I felt really sad reading this - like a wife might want to keep me far away from my boy one day.

I think your DH does need to be clear with her about your family current schedule including commitments to ferrying children about.

Would she be willing to help baby sit grandkids?

Why have you given your boy no agency in this hypothetical situation? A wife can’t make her husband do anything he doesn’t want to do.

If you believe that, you’ll believe anything.

I think as others have said there are two separate things here:

Moving closer so she's not 2 hours away and can see the grandkids a bit more: Seems fair enough

Moving somewhere where there's nothing to do and no transport: Terrible idea. If she might give up driving then she needs to be somewhere in walking distance (or very reliable bus route) of shops, cafe, social groups, doctor etc.

Completely agree with the above answer plus OP, you have a busy life and the terrible situation of your terminally ill mother. I would say you can't cope with anything else in your life right now. Your DH can go by himself now to see his mother if he wants, he can even take the DCs surely?
It seems a red flag to me that your DH doesn't see the problem. So what does his DB say and how often does he see your MIL?
Another red flag is your MILs dependence, people like that don't change and being 5 minutes away sounds like a disaster. She'll be 'just' popping in all the time and failing (deliberately) to see how full your own life is. Next, she'll be ignoring your child rearing boundaries and buying them loads of sweets or whatever it is you are careful about.
Someone lonely and self obsessed might also start to move in and try to become the most important person in the DCs lives in opposition to the parents. That might sound over the top, I don't know your family, but there are enough threads on MN about difficult, interfering, selfish grandparents to be very wary. Your life feels busy but organised and relatively content OP, don't let this situation drive you into something you might spend years regretting. Wishing you all the very best, take care of yourself.

Thank you everyone. I had a really good chat with DH about it today. I think part of the reaction has been to do with finding it so stressful dealing with my DM's situation at the moment that I am finding it very difficult to have this going on in the background too.

DH has fully acknowledged that when the time comes, if his DM needs 'real' care he will be the main one to step up and will not expect it to fall to me. He has also assured me that it will not have a huge impact on our life and we won't end up in a situation with her popping around every other day.

I have no issue with DH helping out my MIL. In fact, he already goes up to hers regularly for a weekend to do DIY & help out with other stuff. My concern has always been that she will move to the area and then realise it is actually quite isolating and find it difficult to get around. Between work and kids activities we are pretty busy during the week and the weekends are often taken up with life admin/birthday parties/seeing friends and I think she would find that she would see us a lot less than she was expecting. DH and I have also often talked about moving to a different area when the kids are a bit older and I don't want MIL to be upset if that happens.

This is exactly it. I don't particularly mind if she wants to be closer but where she is thinking of (5 minutes walk from us) is not within walking distance of shops, cafe, doctor. The nearest shop is probably a 15 minute walk so not practical to do carrying groceries and she doesn't like the idea of online grocery shopping. The doctor is a good 10 minute drive (at least). The bus route around here doesn't run regularly and is not very reliable

if she's under retirement age, so late 50's/early 60's, she could be around for another 30 years!
Don't enable it!

A lot of people have pointed out that you can't stop her moving. True. But you can move yourself, if she does. And you can make it clear to both MIL and DH that you will be moving if she moves 5 mins away and/or becomes too dependent/demanding, especially when she is still quite young.

It's a very different situation dealing with a terminally ill parent to one who is fit and well and just useless at maintaining/achieving any independence and not even retirement age.

I honestly think if she's that dependent she would be better off in an over 55 complex with support and others in a similar situation around her , preferably somewhere with facilities close to hand but yes maybe closer to you but not necessarily 5 minutes away. It goes without saying that plenty of contact and some support from your family is good- but not if it gets to the level she's virtually moved in. Really think she needs to at least attempt to create a bit of a life outside of family .