To end our relationship because his situation has changed?

[heynowheynowdont]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8/9 months. We live an hour and a half apart so it’s generally been weekends when he doesn’t have his son (13) or longer when I’ve worked from his (or vice versa)

Basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out (long story) and my boyfriend has sole custody. This means we will never be alone again. My boyfriend will no longer be able to stay at mine, and he only has a one bedroom flat.

My boyfriend has started moaning as well saying how his life has been difficult since day 1 etc and it’s really unattractive the victim pitying he wants.

Aibu?

I think it’s best to end it, for the child’s sake. He needs some stability in his life and for his Dad to be focused on him. Unless you’re prepared to ultimately be his step-mum, I’d walk away before it gets more complicated. Sounds like you’re ready to anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just to say, obviously his son must be the priority and him moving in with his dad is non-negotiable. And I really feel for him.

If I just focus on the relationship, I don’t think I can be in one where it’s 100% on me to do all the traveling and to potentially never have quality time one on one. Even just simple things like going out for a meal.

It sounds like it would be best for you to break up with him.

How do you feel about him generally, if you take the child out of the equation? How were you viewing the relationship and what were the timescales?

If you really liked the guy then I would say stay in touch, but put the relationship on hold for a few months. See where you both are in the Spring. Child may have gone back to mum.

If you weren't bothered, then back out gracefully and say you appreciate he needs to concentrate on his son.

It’s better for this to happen now before you’re properly committed and married. Just end it

Well I feel quite stuck in limbo as we talked about me moving in, he can’t move in with me. But that’s on hold.

I do like him, he’s a good man. It’s just the situation and it’s brought out such a “I’m so hard done by” side to him and just constantly moaning about his ex.

Will the boy not be having any contact at all with his mum?

Yes of course it’s fine to end it. You don’t want to be part of the new set up in his life, that’s an entirely reasonable decision. Not many young single women would choose this TBH, it’s just going to be a lot of stress for however many years until his son is independent.

Even if you did decide to give up your life and move in with him, being a step mum to a stroppy teen is usually really, really shit. You have all the work of being a mum with none of the nice bits. Why would you sign up for that when you have plenty options ?

You have been together less than a year if you feel you can't cope with circumstances changing now than yes it's best to end end it
It would be harder to end it if you were more committed.

Why do you feel for him? Having his son live with him isn't being sent to a war zone. It's his son. He should want him with him.

In the nicest possible way, none of this is your problem. If you don't want to be in a relationship with a full time single parent, you don't have to be. You're perfectly entitled to choose that for yourself. You're only 8 months in to this relationship, you don't owe him or his son anything. And don't let anyone guilt trip you into thinking otherwise.

You are young and free to go and find someone else who doesn't have such a complicated situation and with whom you won't have to make big sacrifices and compromises.

I'd cut this one loose. He's moaning and playing the victim because he wants you to step in and 'save' him. Never forget: NOBODY FALLS IN LOVE FASTER THAN A SINGLE FATHER WHO NEEDS A BIGGER HOUSE.

Don't fall into the trap of becoming a nanny with a fanny.

"I do like him"

8/9 months in and with his teenage ds living with him, you would both have to have very deep feelings for each other for this to work long term.

It's done and that's ok. Just tell him.

Yanbu. I love DH almost more than anything, but if he’d got his DC full time, I’d have been off. It changes everything.

Right now there’s no contact. No idea of that will change.

I don’t really understand asking if you’re being unreasonable to end it. You’ve been together for less than a year and maybe 3 nights a week in those 8/9 months, at this stage you can end it because you find his sneeze annoying. It’s long enough that the shine has started to wear off and this is when little annoyances will start to surface. They can be really minor but if you ignore them they will likely grow into a bigger annoyance but you’ll have the sunk cost fallacy to contend with that makes you think you can’t leave for something so trivial.

I think YANBU. Seems like your boyfriend will have to focus on his son and there is likely to challenging times ahead as a troubled teen boy isn't going to be easy.

Cut your losses now as I can't see this getting better. Why did the Dad have a one bed, suggests he didn't plan to gavd his son often.

At 8/9 months in, you can end it because he took the last Jaffa cake.

You don't have to put up with this ,i would have to be desperately in love with someone to put up with this in a newish relationship and it doesn't sound like you are
I'm not judging his responsibility to his chid are his alone.

I think you're being sensible and realistic to question things. It's not about playing step mum to a teenager (who presumably has some issues if he's been kicked out by his mum?) That in itself is a major ask after such a short amount of time.

It's also about the logistic challenges. You doing all the travelling. Sleeping arrangements. The dynamic changing because there's always another person around. Have you spoken to your dp about these concerns?

Why does he feel so hard done by and why is he complaining about his ex so much?
it doesn’t seem like it’s healthy for him to even be in a relationship now, if he is still recovering or dealing so much with stuff from his ex, and a son whose mother isn’t going to see him anymore.

It sounds to me like he's struggling i feel sorry for him hes probably worrying how will this plan out where will the kid sleep etc. If this is for you though OP only you can decide. If I truely loved someone I could see through it but it's hard being so early on in the relationship. It sounds to me like you having doubts saying its unattractive the way he is acting is already a red flag for you.

Presumably the child will sleep in the same place that he’s been sleeping at his dad’s house for years

I don’t understand why you feel sorry for him, do you feel sorry for the hundreds of thousands of single mums up and down the country like me who have their children / teens full time ?

It sounds like the distance is a problem for you without his son being added into the mix. Personally I would feel patient with him while he finds a way to deal with the situation. Chances are he will quickly make up with his mum and go back home.

As a side note I have my teen full time, I have since her birth but I can still date. It’s very easy with a teenager as they spend alot of time with friends. It just sounds to me like neither of you are willing to make it work.

I don’t really understand why everyone is telling you to end it ! We do not know your relationship.
How is the relationship generally?
I guess it has sped up your decision on whether you see a future with him? If you love him and wanted to spend your life together, then you may have to dive in quicker than you thought.

Imagine if the genders were changed, would everyone tell a man to end things immediately if she had her son living at home?