To end our relationship because his situation has changed?

[heynowheynowdont]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8/9 months. We live an hour and a half apart so it’s generally been weekends when he doesn’t have his son (13) or longer when I’ve worked from his (or vice versa)

Basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out (long story) and my boyfriend has sole custody. This means we will never be alone again. My boyfriend will no longer be able to stay at mine, and he only has a one bedroom flat.

My boyfriend has started moaning as well saying how his life has been difficult since day 1 etc and it’s really unattractive the victim pitying he wants.

Aibu?

If he didn’t want to date a full time single mum with a difficult teen who could only see him at her house, obviously yes.

I think it’s for the best to end it and give him the space to prioritise his DS.

Hes 13- he doesn’t need to be supervised all the time. Of course you could go out for a meal.

it would change though- you couldn’t go out really late for example. And you would obviously need to spend time with him if you’re in the same flat. Depends on how much you like this man I suppose 🤷‍♀️. Kid will be an adult v soon - it’s not like your dp has a 4 year old.

He’s whining and feeling hard done by because he has to have full custody of his son?

Yes, absolutely dump him. If he’s that upset about it, rather than viewing it as an opportunity to be closer to his son, he’s going to want to offload custody back onto his ex as soon as he can. This is only going to unsettle the boy more. If it turns into one of those sad situations where they bicker over who “has” to have him then you are better off being nowhere near it. And anyway, it sounds like him revealing himself as a whiny, responsibility-shirking father has given you the ick (as it should!).

Moaning about an ex is so annoying. Also, shouldn't he be worried about his son who is clearly in difficulty instead of just feeling sorry for himself? Seems immature and selfish.

I agree with @Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright I'd be getting the ick. And also ending it.

Your reason is perfectly valid. He needs to grow up and get on with it.

I'd dump him because he's got a child yet lives in a one bedroom flat.
I really get that sometimes there is absolutely no choice, but this man has enjoyed the gender pay gap, and been spending money dating etc instead of housing his DC appropriately, he must have had some overnights before?

His whining about looking after his DC after presumably 13 if not bothering much is incredibly unattractive.

Yes I'd dump. Does he expect you to drive over and shag in your car then drive home? Or is he expecting you to 'rescue' him from his 'dreadful' life and buy him a bigger house and take over the parenting?

Well a man wouldn’t be asking, if he didn’t want a full time step child he would just end the relationship. He wouldn’t wonder if he was unreasonable or not.

OP also mentions that she has a seen a side of him that she doesn’t like as she thinks he’s moaning all the time. Again, if a man thought a woman was moaning all the time he wouldn’t ask if he was unreasonable to end things he just would.

God I love Mumsnet sometimes 😃😃

This is really great advice op!

You don’t need anyone’s permission to leave and you don’t need to feel guilty either.

Put yourself first while you are free to do so!

I would find his attitude to his son living with him so deeply unattractive that I would have to end it. I would never want him to be the father of my children. Even if you don’t want children, it is hard to have much respect for him.

@heynowheynowdont
Shamelessly following. I'm in a similar situation and I have ended it. I miss him but better in the long run I feel.

Just to say, obviously his son must be the priority and him moving in with his dad is non-negotiable. And I really feel for him.

feel for him? because his son who now lives with him. It's normal for DC to live with their dads. Why do you feel for him? because he has to parent his child now 24/7???

Doesn't sound like step parenting it's at all for you. And that is fine. I would end it. sounds like the best solution for everyone involved!

The mother has had her son for a period of time.,
Why would anyone feel sorry for the child’s ‘ father’ ?
This man thought that he could live the bachelor lifestyle

I think you are right. But if possible, see if you can break up in a good-natured wa where you agree that this isn't the right time for you as a couple to be considering commitment so should break up for now, but if in 5 years time if you haven't met anyone that genuinely is "the one" (by which time the 13yo will be 18) consider whether you might move closer towards each other (not moving in together but if you each moved a half-hour's worth of travel time away you'll only be 30 mins apart) and see if you can rekindle things and whether your ives are now compatible.

Why has she kicked the son out? At 13, he must have done something pretty terrible?! And for his mother to kick him out. This relationship is the most alarming from your OP.

However, I do not agree with you leaving him purely on the fact he has a child who now lives with him?! What about all of the single parents out there? It’s a ridiculous statement.

@FreshOutOfFucks ”nanny with a fanny” is my new favourite phrase 🤣

Nope, move on! I was stuck in this situation as my then partners ex threw their teen daughter out. Of course my ex wanted her to live with us (my home). She was clearly a nightmare (though was good to me). What I hated was the emotional upheaval where this girl clearly wanted to be back in her family home/couldn't get on with her mum. My ex went off to work and I was left to look after her as I wfh. It was just a stress I didn't need so early on. We eventually split up but I felt very much put upon, whereas relationships that early are meant to be fun/happy

If you are unsure you could take a step back from the situation and give them some space to settle in together and see how you feel.

But tbh I would be running for the hills.

Why would it be unreasonable? If you are involved with someone with children, the possibility always exists that they will end up solely responsible for them, which is a full-time job and would significantly impact your life. If you know you don't want this - at this stage of your life a relationship, or ever - then it's not the relationship for you. There's nothing wrong with that, or you, but it would be unreasonable to stay. Also, it sounds like you're growing disenchanted with him anyway.

Just end it. No big deal.

Why are you thinking of moving into his one bed flat, or do you mean when he has a bigger place. Can't you have a relationship without living together or wait until the ds goes to uni or moves out.

I would be questioning why he has a one bed flat if he has a son who he used to see regularly even before this. Surely he should have had a 2 bed flat so his son had his own bedroom.

All the self pity sounds very unattractive also.

Will his son be sleeping on the sofa?

You are allowed to end any relationship, at any time, for any reason.

My mantra.

My fanny would shrivel shut at a man who moaned about having to parent his child