To end our relationship because his situation has changed?

[heynowheynowdont]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8/9 months. We live an hour and a half apart so it’s generally been weekends when he doesn’t have his son (13) or longer when I’ve worked from his (or vice versa)

Basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out (long story) and my boyfriend has sole custody. This means we will never be alone again. My boyfriend will no longer be able to stay at mine, and he only has a one bedroom flat.

My boyfriend has started moaning as well saying how his life has been difficult since day 1 etc and it’s really unattractive the victim pitying he wants.

Aibu?

Love isn’t always enough though. Important to remember. The decision seems a good one to me, notwithstanding love

Important that you are honest OP and I am pleased that you recognise that his son is his priority.
Take care

Why post?

Because I was torn with what to do. I saw a future with this man and was going to move for him. I accepted I would be the one to move as neither of us would have felt right for him to be that far away from his son.

The distance was the difficult part for us, and on solving this we’ve been hit with a different barrier which ends a relationship neither of us wanted to end. So no you didn’t hit a nerve but I’m going through a breakup and so I’m not exactly feeling fantastic and I don’t need to justify that I love anyone.

If you post you are going to read posts you won't like, it's part of the deal.

Sorry but when you put it like that it’s sounds pathetic, and I’d dump him based on the fact he has a child and was surprised at the idea his child might live with him. It’s not like a surprise child has been delivered to his door with a note.

Not sure what you are basing your very low standards on, but that’s not a good dad. The moaning about the ex wife ruining his life, he means by making him parent his own child. What a man baby. THAT’s deeply unattractive.

Oh, I assumed his son got the bedroom when he visits, or they share. He makes his son sleep on the sofa?

I don't think yabu to end things. It sounds like a lot to deal with and highly likely to work out badly for at least one of you if not all of you tbh.

I would be asking myself two things - not necessarily to feed into your decision as it sounds like it's all but made anyway - but to try and understand where everyone's coming from.

One would be why the mum has kicked her 13yo DS out. You may know the answer to this and it may be more or less reasonable as a course of action e.g. as a response to intolerable behaviour or high needs she feels unable to meet. The answer to this may give you extra info as to what life with his son living with him full-time is likely to be like and how much energy he'd have left over for you and your relationship.

The other is why he himself hasn't ended things with you. As I say, it all seems like a lot and at the very least there's going to be an intense transitional phase. Breaking things off or at least putting them on pause seems like an obvious thing for him to do, and I wonder why he hasn't. The answer to that might tell you something about whether the way he views your relationship is in line with how you view it.

I totally get how unattractive his poor me behaviour is. If you think that might just be a bad moment, there's nothing to stop you suggesting you take a break from each other and revisiting things once his son and the situation is more settled.

Well most parents I assume would discuss custody and not just dump their child and have no further contact one random day.

He had to figure out transport to and from school 5 days a week and have a flexible working request approved, he’s not allowed another person to live with him as per his lease, he had also paid his maintenance which he now needed back. All this can’t be sorted in one day.

So no I imagine most parents who share custody generally believe that agreement will stay in place without discussion and advance warning.

Why do you want to know the sleeping arrangements of a 13 year old boy?

If you are certain in your own mind that you don't want to share your life with this boy, then you should definitely end it, quickly and cleanly. The really shitty thing to do would be to drag it out and make everyone miserable and unsettled before you end up breaking it off anyway.

You're allowed not to want this, and breaking up doesn't make you a bad person. Just be honest.

Literally banging my head against a wall. It is not right for me to move into a one bedroom flat with two other people. It’s also not fair on a child for me and MY EX to get a place together and trial living with each other.

I signed up for moving there and organically getting to know his son better and spend more time.

We have ended it, I very clearly said I’m going through a break up. It’s nothing to do with me not wanting to be around his son and it’s all to do with what’s best for his son.

I don't think I'd want to be with a man who would complain about living with his (probably traumatised now his mum has cut off contact) child.

What a fucking cunt. It's his baby, if anything he should be dumping you citing the need to support his child through an extremely difficult time.

Most parents have children on the understanding that child will live with them. What planet are you on? He should have known this could happen at any moment. He should have been prepared for it. She hasn’t dumped her child. Her child has gone to live with his other parent. He shouldn’t have taken a lease out for a flat that wouldn’t allow his child to live there. Honestly all of this just makes him sound like more of a deadbeat dad than I already thought he was.

Nothing of this update is making me sympathetic. Had to figure out transport? Boo hoo. Must be a pisser when you think you’ve dumped your responsibilities onto someone else and then you find it doesn’t work like that, eh?

I mean I have 2 kids. They live with me. If DH and I separated we would both want them to live with us. We would t be bitching when the human we made came to live with us. We certainly wouldn’t be wailing that it was ruining our lives. Poor kid.

Yes she has dumped her child. She grabbed him and forcibly threw him out of her front door. And has had zero contact with him or my ex, when the child has additional needs, medication, had no chance to retrieve anything. So I’m very unclear why she’s being hailed as mother of the year.

He was never bitching about having his child live with him. You also presumably haven’t gone through a divorce and custody. But you seem to think it would be absolutely fine if a good 7/8 years of this routine and then your ex decides I don’t want anything to do with my children - then this wouldn’t have an impact on your life? Your work? Your finances? Good for you.

Dumping? How old are you?

Old enough to have two babies of my own and notice your inability to tackle the real issues.

That your boyfriend is a loser, who needs to be looking after his son not lamenting losing his 'child free' existence. And your 'relationship' (less than a year?) isn't going to work.

No one claimed she is mother of the year but your ex definitely isn’t dad of the year.

I have actually been through an incredibly nasty divorce. Fucker wouldn’t move out either. Thought I was going to do serious time in order to be rid of him, and at one point thought it might be worth it.

I’ve also been through several custody battles - although not my own kids, I’ve been present in the courtroom as a support (which I think I might need to tell you isn’t something that’s a usual occurrence, you can’t just sit in, you have to get the judge’s permission so should give you an idea of the sort of cases I was in) as well as helping work on statements, supporting through things like section 7 reports, section 37 reports. Really nasty custody battles. Some serious shit. DV. International law. My nearest and dearest have some really shitty exes. So no, don’t presume anything.

I’ve also been the kid. I was a ward of court because I also have 2 useless parents.

Fuck me though. 2 things come across in your posts - both you and your ex are very selfish. He has a child. He has parental responsibility. This will have an impact on his life. His finances. His work. That’s what happens when you have a child. Medicines etc - he should have these at his house already. He should know the routines. He can get an emergency prescription by calling 111. This is basic parent stuff.

Your naivety is the second thing.

You were dating his dad for 5 minutes and you don’t even live together. It’s fine not to want an unexpected resident step child, but you knew he had a kid. You don’t seem to have a good understanding of what sort of commitment this is. You are responsible all the time for your child - even if you only see them for a night or so every 2 weeks. You claim he’s a good dad except you’ve not really seen anything that demonstrates that and the stuff you’ve posted suggests he isn’t a good dad. Your ex doesn’t even give up his room for the measly nights he has him. Bet the poor kid is on the sofa now, waiting for everyone to leave the living room so he can finally go to sleep. Great parenting.

Obviously you’ve broken up now (which is for the best). Move on and be grateful that you are all able to.

You literally used the words ‘jump to the dump’ in an earlier post on this thread.

Not wanting to pick you apart.

Well you’re incapable of reading.

It’s a saying.

There’s not enough cocaine in the world to stop me from falling sleep reading that. Far too invested and far too much time on your hands. I couldn’t get beyond the first paragraph.

Because it's highly inappropriate that you were going to be moving in when his son already has nowhere decent to sleep.

Perhaps the dad should be focusing on his son a little more, rather than moving women into a 1 bed.

Imagine being 13 and having no proper bed when you visit your dad (and now live with him). Not exactly homely is it.

If you can't see what sleeping arrangements has to do with your plans to move in, then that says a lot about your planning capabilities. Surely the first question you'd have asked him is "if I move in, where is your son going to sleep when he's over?".

Bull shit. Grow up and make sure your next partner doesn't have any kids; you're not the right kinda person to be a step parent obviously. It requires a level of maturity.

I did wonder if you were sniffing something. Your answers have been inconsistent and you contradict yourself. My money was on glue but cocaine makes sense.