To end our relationship because his situation has changed?

[heynowheynowdont]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8/9 months. We live an hour and a half apart so it’s generally been weekends when he doesn’t have his son (13) or longer when I’ve worked from his (or vice versa)

Basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out (long story) and my boyfriend has sole custody. This means we will never be alone again. My boyfriend will no longer be able to stay at mine, and he only has a one bedroom flat.

My boyfriend has started moaning as well saying how his life has been difficult since day 1 etc and it’s really unattractive the victim pitying he wants.

Aibu?

I absolutely would avoid this situation like the plague. @EdgarAllenRaven i gave the same advice to a male friend of mine who had started dating a single mother of two who hadn’t sorted out custody, housing and financials with her ex. You just don’t need it, especially when it is just an app person.

The OP doesn’t sound like she is that enamoured with this man anyway and at 8 months the relationship should be fun and not caught up in someone else’s family drama. I would get rid OP - plenty of men out there who don’t have children, who live in bigger properties and are more local to you to choose from!

Well child aside is he really that much of a catch anyway?

If your heart's not in it I would leave now.

I've been a lone parent for over 10yrs and there are times I have felt unreasonably hard done by. Relationships with people who aren't in this situation have never really worked out. My current boyfriend is also a loan parent and just gets it, that and our children can be left as they are now teens.

It does make me question just why he had a one bed flat in the first place and why there isn't space for his son already? And why would you of moved in knowing that his son would be part of his life and there was always a possibility that he need a roof over his head one day.

For so early in a relationship it sounds like a lot of hard work.
Also hasn't this situation shown you what sort of person he is?
Instead of being a proactive dad who accepts his responsibilities. He is feeling sorry for himself ?
Also why didn't he get a bigger place sooner ? His kid is 13! He should have his own bedroom .
But he was planning to get a house with you?
It sounds like you could do a lot better

Why couldn’t you do that? He’s 13, not 3. Does he need constant supervision for some reason? We stopped having a babysitter at that age. At 14 I was babysitting other people’s Dc.

But with regard to the self pitying moaning, tell him to pack it in. He’s an adult and a parent, and he needs to step up and focus on his son. But that does not mean you can’t date.

I just feel sorry for the kid in all this, His mum doesn't want him so he's been shunted off to live fulltime with his dad - who by the sounds of it also doesn't want him - to live in a one bedroom flat.

Tell him he needs to be prioritising his son right now who is obviously having a lot of issues one way or another and he needs to be looking at getting a bigger place to live. You feel it will be better to leave things as with the distance on top he has too many other things going on that he needs to prioritise.

I think the fact that your not really feeling it right now means this probably isn't the relationship for you.

Moaning about his ex sounds like a proxy for moaning about having to have his son full time which is unsurprisingly unattractive for many reasons.

Team Dump.

Agree with Cheeky as so many have children and no idea just how difficult it is dealing with life and parenting. Seeking advice off of Youtube or Facebook rather then all the parenting groups available.

Too much effort. I couldn't get past the complaining about his ex and the fact he can't do right by the son

Sounds like his ex is a complete pain in the arse though- She can't even parent her own son 50/50.

Some partners can be unbelievably toxic {according to a divorce solicitor!}

End it for the sake of everyone, but especially the boy.

Yes. Very new relationship to be meeting a child.
Leave him to get on with it.

His son should be his priority.

Ordinarily I'd say that you knew it could be a possibility when you get into a relationship with someone with a child. It does sound like dislike of the man and resentment is already kicking in though, and it's very early days for that to be the case. I think for everyone's sake, ending it is probably for the best based on that.

I’m in a similar situation and I’d very much think you ending it is the right thing to do. And do it now: mine has lurched on for too long really because of circumstances

His child moving in with him was always going to be a possibility - it sounds like you both just hoped it would never happen and planned your lives and futures regardless.

But he doesn't exactly sound like a catch, so I'd end things anyway.

I don’t know what you imagine happens when a child turns 18! Do you think that the magic job fairy comes along and offers them a well paid job so that they can go out and rent or buy their own place?

The vast majority of young people in the Uk aged 18, 19 and 20 are living with their families, either full time or part time. If they are away studying at university, that can be 20 weeks a year or less. If they have an apprenticeship, they usually earn a low wage in return for getting training and qualifications. If they are NEET, they are usually sleeping all day , gaming all night , eating all your food and whinging that they don’t have enough money.

So it’s not like they don't live with you anymore, or that you don’t have to financially support them ( unless you are a non resident father of course, then you don’t have to pay a penny ).

And it’s not like you don’t have to parent then anymore, that they no longer need love or attention or guidance . Yes you don’t have to take them to school but you still have to pick them up and run them about ( unless they are rich enough to have a car or lucky enough to live somewhere with good transport ). And they are capable of getting themselves in much bigger messes that they need your help to sort out.

No they don’t have school friends who come over in play dates. They have boyfriends or girlfriends who come on sleepovers and then end up moving in with you. Sometimes with their baby.

I have three teen/ early 20s kids so I know a LOT of young people of that age (probably hundreds ) and not one single one is living on their own and fully independent at 20, let alone 18. Even the ones who have decent jobs at 20 are still living at home “ saving up for a flat “ aka buying a nice car, fancy clothes, a gym membership and going on nice holidays with their GF/ BF.

And apart from all of the above, why on earth are you suggesting that the Op put her own life on hold for FIVE YEARS for a man she has been long distance dating for 8/9 months?? At what point is a woman entitled to put her own needs first ? She doesn’t owe this guy anything except “ thanks it’s been great but it’s no longer working for me, I wish you all the best “.

Agree. We have my SC almost 50/50 but if they were to come full-time I'd be moving out and I'm not even joking!

The fact that he has a son but has a one bedroom flat tells you everything you need to know about him.

Why did the mother "kick the child out"? That would be the most important factor to consider in all this. And you know why.

So what is going on there? First and last question for you OP and all other issues depend on the answer.

It would not be an equivalent situation because the expectations placed on a woman in this scenario are very different.

I'd take a step back for sure OP. It would be hard enough in a long-tern relationship if a stepchild suddenly moved in full-time unexpectedly, let alone when you're trying to build a relationship in the first place.

Your DP is likely to feel worried and stressed about how all this is impacting his son, and he's likely not going to feel comfortable leaving him to go out with you etc etc. And at such an early point in the timeline of a relationship, you'll have to put up with a lot to allow it to continue, after which you might find you're not suited long-term anyway.

I'd tell him you're going to take a step back while he adjusts to all this change.

A bit harsh, maybe it's all he can afford and maybe he gives his son the bedroom when he comes??

@EdgarAllenRaven absolutely I’d say the same thing to a man.

How much concern is he showing for his child in all this? Or is it all "woe is me, I have to parent full time now" because I don't blame you for getting the ick. I agree that a bit of whinging about an ex who abandos the child andmakes life hard isn't the worst thing, but the relentlessnss of it and the fact that he doesn't seem to care about his son is a problem.

Frankly, HE should be ending it with you - he has a child living with him now who is, one assumes, somewhat traumatised by a terrible breakdown in his relationship with his mum for whatever reason. He lives in a small flat. He needs to be prioritising how he is going to manage this and not thinking about a fairly new relationshiop at this point.