To end our relationship because his situation has changed?

[heynowheynowdont]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8/9 months. We live an hour and a half apart so it’s generally been weekends when he doesn’t have his son (13) or longer when I’ve worked from his (or vice versa)

Basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out (long story) and my boyfriend has sole custody. This means we will never be alone again. My boyfriend will no longer be able to stay at mine, and he only has a one bedroom flat.

My boyfriend has started moaning as well saying how his life has been difficult since day 1 etc and it’s really unattractive the victim pitying he wants.

Aibu?

The whinging. Not for me. Not from a man, not from a woman — never from an adult.

Nosiree not ever —I’d last about 60 seconds before I said, “We need to talk…”

This. Poor me I have to take care of my child. Really unattractive. Especially since the mum has done the hard work the first 13 years. Now she probably thinks the boy needs his father to lay down the rules for his teenage boy. He can still go out, doesn't need a baby-sitter for a 13 year old and yet his moaning about his mere existance. Please tell him you find this unattractive OP before you leave him if you leave him.

This. ⬆️

8 months seems quite soon for you to have been talking about moving in.

yanbu, lots of people would feel the same. Depends if you think he’s worth it or not.
and how would you feel if you dumped him then his son moved back with Mum,

100% end it .

I think when one parent unilaterally changes the living arrangements so comprehensively it's fine to have a bit of a whinge and feel aggrieved actually.

When women are left to be the sole parent or the ex husband unilaterally decides he's no longer having contact or whatever, we don't tell women that they are complaining about parenting her own child - we acknowledge that the man is being a dick.

It's not about being a reluctant parent to your own child, it's because we all build our lives around the existing plans and when one person changes that and it impacts on the other so significantly, its fine to feel pissed off and worried about the impact on your own life. You can feel like that and be a good parent.

However, if that becomes just moaning about the ex, that doesn't make for a good relationship. In this situation, he only has a one bedroom flat, so that impacts on the OP staying over at his. His son is 13 so can't be left alone overnight which impacts on his ability to stay at hers. And, yes, he probably could be left for an hour or two for a meal out but when they live an hour and a half away from each other, it's a bit impractical and not really a relationship.

In this situation, I think the logistics make the relationship untenable and that's OK, OP.

I would end it for those reasons after 8 months too.

This guy sounds like he enjoys a pity party when in reality he just needs to parent his child.

This post nails it

I think a lot of that depends on the 13 year old and those who have been effectively abandoned by one parent might have other stuff going on too.

Let's face it, she's likely to have either sent him to live at his dad's because she can't cope with his behaviour anymore or because he is getting in the way of her living her life. Neither of those makes for a sensible, reliable, well behaved, easily managed teenager. He's going to need to he the priority for a while.

Yes I am a full time single mum so I know how it feels and how difficult it is to try and date, juggle a job and try and have some youtime It is very challenging especially if you have no family aswell. I guess as a teenager maybe it gets a bit easier but when they are younger it is very difficult. I guess that is why i do feel sorry for him because I know how bad the hard days feel and we are only human we can't help but express that some days. Maybe he is very much aware she will likely walk away and that is why he is saying these things? There could of course be more going on. I can't help but feel if it was a single mum in the situation people would be on her side and if a guy had posted shes feeling sorry for herself he would be eaten alive!

It absolutely does.

I don't understand why he is all 'poor me' about having his son full time. Most loving fathers would be delighted to have more time with their child. That would really put me off him. He sounds immature. Maybe have a frank and open conversation with him and tell him how you feel about it? That should help you understand his side of things. It will also allow you to air your concerns about how the two of you will be going forward. But I would guess that if the presence of a child also puts you off, you're not that into him. Poor kid, mother doesn't want him and father doesn't want him. You don't want him but that's ok because he's not your child or step child. As other posters have said be careful that he's not wanting you to take over parental duties. I wonder if this is what's happening and that's why you are being put off so much. Do trust your gut. Good luck!

All those people saying he should be living in a 2 bed place. I presume he has been paying a chunk of income in child maintenance. And that in your part if the country rent is cheaper. Around where I live it's at least £600 more a month for a 2 bed place over a 1 bed if rented. Maybe he bought his one bed place as beknv what he could afford and let's his son have his room when it's weekend visits and sleeps on a sofa bed then which is doable when it's visits but less so full time.

That said this isn't what OP signed up doe and therefore she can opt out, as could she if she was a man and her other half was a woman who suddenly was in a similar situation

You can end a relationship for whatever reason you want to.

You can end a relationship for any reason you want to.

Honestly, I think everyone should approach dating a single parent on the basis that they may one day have their child full time, because that's the reality. The other parent could die, become incapacitated etc. etc. let alone something like this, and the remaining parent should be prepared for the eventuality of becoming the sole, or resident, parent.

I also agree the parent should do that without complaining as though they had no idea that their child is ultimately their responsibility. Incidentally, it sounds like your bf is put out that the woman in this scenario is no longer carrying his half of the load for him and that he is outraged at having to now do what she had been doing, presumably for years. Ick!

If having someone else's child with you full time is not something you'd want (understandably) or be prepared for, don't date any kind of parent, would be my advice. You're lucky this happened so quickly and not after years of deep relationship or marriage. Learn from it!

Absolutely this. Another one who’d leave for these reasons

it sounds like your bf is put out that the woman in this scenario is no longer carrying his half of the load for him and that he is outraged at having to now do what she had been doing, presumably for years. Ick!

When a man has his child, is he carrying the load for 'her'?

If this child's mum has just decided she is no longer doing any parenting at all no plans for contact, nothing, how is she any different to the men who (rightly) come under fire for doing exactly the same on here every day?

How is how this man is feeling any different to the way mothers feel when left in exactly the same position?

You were prepared to move in with a man into a one bed flat?

Obviously that cannot happen now as your man is going to be accommodating his son.

I feel really sorry the for lad, cannot imagine why his mum is kicking him out and his dad not being happy about it.

It is possible the boy is just being a stroppy teen and mum has got cross but may well want him back after a short while. I've heard of that happening.

His dad is moaning because he only has a one bed flat which is hardly ideal for them to share.

However neither is your fault, op, and you are right that it will mean your relationship being severely restricted.

It's just as well he can't move in with you (you don't say why, that does seem odd), or what would happen to his son then, you wouldn't want him at your place.

End it now for the boy's sake and whatever you do, do not get involved again with a guy who has a dependent child or children. Find someone in the same position as you, so that you can do young free things together, unfettered by children.

Even if he is a good dad and couldn't afford a larger flat and is just having a moan about having his life impacted. He will need to prioritise his son as there were clearly issues and now to poor kid has more as his mum has kicked him out. It may not be feasible to leave him on his own as he's going to need a huge amount of reassurance his dad loves his and really wants him there. He will also need to claim financial support from his ex as well as register for housing if in rented accommodation. So a lot of upheaval.

Though I'd be running for the hills based on what you've said. Especially if you have the bigger property, even more so if you own it.

This is absolutely spot on and exactly what I came to say. As soon as you enter into a relationship with someone with a child you have to accept from day 1 that:

1. you’re not the most important person in their life
2. they may one day be the sole parent
3. further down the line or if something happens you yourself may be responsible for the child.

Unless you’re amenable to, or at least prepared for, any or all of these situations, don’t get involved. And as others have said, at present you can walk away any time you want for any reason.

When you have a child you make a commitment (or at least a good person makes a commitment) to prioritising them, even if you are no longer with their mother/father. For whatever reason your partner has done the absolute bare minimum of parenting and has now been hit with the reality that they cannot live like a single man anymore.

A thirteen year old does not need round the clock care like a 3 year old, but they do need their parent present and invested in their life. I really would encourage you to walk away from this situation, not because I think you are at all selfish because of your concerns, but because it sounds like your partner will either expect you to pick up the slack or keep you completely secret - neither of which are appropriate at this point in your relationship.

Getting alot of views on the plus & minus side of a difficult relationship and bottom line is where do u want to be right now in your life

There is a difference between having a general "gosh there's so much going on at the moment, I'm quite overwhelmed" moan and "it's been hard for me since day 1" poor me self pitying moan.

You've very much described the latter and how this is unattractive to you.

I've been with someone who was very much a self pitying, victim and it was extremely hard work and ground me down and left me with a lot of damage. I'd say this is quite a big red flag and you should trust the impact that has on your desire for him rather than force yourself to look past it.

Why has the mother kicked him out?

Relevant question because you need to know what path this teenager is going down. Was it because he has done something or is it she just can't be bothered being a parent.

If he is starting to rebel then you have to be aware you are in for a rough ride. Do you have any sort of relationship with the boy? He might be a good kid and the mother just can't be bothered anymore.