To end our relationship because his situation has changed?

[heynowheynowdont]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8/9 months. We live an hour and a half apart so it’s generally been weekends when he doesn’t have his son (13) or longer when I’ve worked from his (or vice versa)

Basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out (long story) and my boyfriend has sole custody. This means we will never be alone again. My boyfriend will no longer be able to stay at mine, and he only has a one bedroom flat.

My boyfriend has started moaning as well saying how his life has been difficult since day 1 etc and it’s really unattractive the victim pitying he wants.

Aibu?

It would be exactly the same for anyone who has full time sole responsibility for a child.

I meant for the OP if she were to continue the relationship. You only have to read the threads by unhappy stepmothers on here to see that she is in a riskier position than a man would be. I was making the point that since we don't have domestic equality in relationships it doesn't make sense to say 'If this was the other way around and a man was posting...' A man posting in the same situation as the OP would not be in the risky position of potentially getting sucked in to 'save' the situation.

I absolutely agree that as sole parent the father has the same responsibility to his son. But I'm willing to bet he's more likely to try to find a woman to take it off him.

Apologies, I wasn't clear.

He has adhd and autism which I won’t pretend I know anything about. All I know is that my partner is ok leaving him for an hour or so to go to the gym, do a food shop etc. But he wouldn’t go to his friends birthday meal the other night because it would be too long. So whether we could go out and do anything seems debatable to me.

Well I try and not judge too harshly. His ex doesn’t sound great, she cheated on him and I know he got pretty financially ruined by the divorce. He also got hospitalised right before starting a new job, his manager was understanding and pushed his start date back but it meant he went a month without a salary.

One bed flat is pretty much all he can afford.

He is a good dad and unfortunately him suddenly having sole custody happened in an instant and he hadn’t been prepared. He is prioritising his son, his moaning is directly about his ex wife and how she tries to ruin his life. And she doesn’t sound great but I don’t know .:. The constantly moaning about her and how he’s had a hard life “since the day he was born” is deeply unattractive.

Ah, you didn't quote me so that it notified me, but here's the answer:

The arrangement thus far seems to have been that the OP's bf had the 13 year old child EOW while the mother had him for the other 24-27 days of the month. While there are two able parents, their load is 50% of the time. The OP's bf has not been carrying his 50% for however long this arrangement has been going on.

The shoe is now simply being put on the other foot.

So he has no right to feel aggrieved.

Whether it's the right thing for the child is another matter, of course, but the OP's bf is in no position to complain. He is now simply on the other side of an arrangement he has thought was perfectly fine and fair all this time.

Step away Op, this isn't going to work for any of you. His DS is 13 and has SN, your BF is going to need to give all his attention to him, he'll have more money problems unless the DM pays maintenance , staying at his flat won't really be possible with a boy of that age who doesn't know you and may resent you taking his Dad's time.
Unless you're committed enough to get a bigger place together and willing to move this will soon be a problem.

Probably if he wasn’t up for it it would be the right advice!

So yes

It’s very odd you’re speaking with such authority on a custody agreement you know absolutely nothing about.

Yes, who knows what the arrangement was? It could be like my DP, he had his dc living with him full time but seeing their mother or family at weekends and holidays. Then this changed and he has no free weekends

You know what, I have made an assumption. Maybe it's a wrong one.

However, given the issue is presented as, "basically his ex wife has now kicked the son out," that the OP sees her bf on, "weekends he doesn't have his son", and in the context of living in the world we do (in the UK 84% of lone-parent families in 2022 were headed by a lone mother, with lone fathers now accounting for 16%) I think my assumption is a reasonable one.

I stand to be corrected by the OP, however.

Assuming I am in fact correct, I assume that you'd agree with my position?

Yes, this is possible if less likely. But then would out really be described as the mother kicking the son out as the OP did?

Do solve this for us, if you're so inclined, OP! Not that I think it makes any difference to what's right for you.

I have a friend who I honestly think might land up divorcing her H because of this. They have a child with ASD and life IS hard. But he still whinges and complains about the simplest things nearly 15 years later. I am not sure she can take much more of it.

Is this the way you converse with people? Because it’s utterly bizarre. You don’t need to provide statistics and have “positions”. Again so odd that you’re speaking with such authority based on an assumption.

I don’t need to tell you a custody agreement between two adults, where it’s not even my business frankly. My partner has his son more than every other weekend.

His mum doesn’t want to work full time and the benefits she receives from both my partner and the government enable her to do this (all of which I’m sure she’s entitled to). The son got to stay in the house he’s always lived in, is closer to his school and lives with a parent who can be there to get him from school when he needs to suddenly leave.

My issue has never been his parenting and it’s never been his son. Whether we survive or not, he’s not a deadbeat dad, he prioritises his son over everyone.

Run for the hills. I wish I could do the same but the son is mine😅

Not even 365 days into the relationship and yet there is all this grief
I would end things

Tbh I’m an adult and I don’t expect smooth sailing to be a guarantee for anything and in any timeframe.

People’s circumstances change, whether by their own doing or out of their control. Theres also not been grief and nothing has been asked of me.

I’m not quick to jump to the dump and I’m happy to work on anything that’s worth it. I just can’t see a solution where the son gets the care and attention he needs and the relationship between me and my partner doesn’t suffer. And obviously the child in this is the most important.

His ex wife probably had to miss many things too, having to take care of their son who has additional needs.
Your boyfriend has been slagging her off, but she has obviously been the primary parent
Now it is his turn to step up and shoulder more of the work and he is having a moan.
Deeply unattractive imo

Apologies, I hadn't clocked that the first response about custody arrangement was from you, the OP. I think I did hold my hands up at that point and say I had made an assumption and it may well be the wrong one, as well as standing to be corrected by you.

I've clearly upset you, regardless, so I'll bow out now. Good luck to you.

It depends how happy you are with him and if you see a future. I mean at 13 years old, I'd say he's old enough to look after himself for a few hours whilst you went out for a meal? Failing that your BF will have do to, what all single mothers do - get a babysitter, ask a family member etc

Upset me? You’re a stranger on the internet. You don’t evoke any emotion from me.

I just personally found it extremely weird that you were intent on spouting lies based on an assumption and taut it as the truth.

Well I was happy.

I try not to involve myself in any aspect of parenting decisions, but from what I’ve seen his son isn’t allowed to get a school bus on his own. So us doing anything over 2 hours seems pretty improbable right now.

Oh sorry! Missed the part about him having special needs, that changes things then. I think it would be for your bf to source more support - whether that's from family members or through children's social services.

Social services don't provide support ( I assume you mean babysitting ) to allow single parents to go out on dates. That’s not how it works.

You’re right, there isn’t a solution. Your lives are just not compatible anymore, it’s not one’s fault. It’s kinder and more honest to end it now, as you can see there’s no future .