Teens been aholes while I have cancer

[thistowillpass]

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

Sit your teens down for a serious conversation, away from distractions, and make it clear that things need to change.

Tell them directly that your treatment and recovery will demand more from everyone in the household, and you won’t be able to manage everything on your own.

Be honest about how you're feeling both physically and emotionally. It’s important they understand that this isn’t just about you being tired — this is about your health and well-being, and their help is non-negotiable.

You could set clear expectations and assign specific tasks to each of them. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or walking the dog, outline exactly who’s responsible for what and when. This avoids arguments over whose turn it is. Explain that you’re not asking for their help anymore — you’re telling them it’s their responsibility as part of the family to step up.

If they resist or argue, stand firm. Let them know that there will be consequences for not pitching in — whether it’s less screen time, no access to certain privileges, or other things they value. It’s not about punishing them but making them understand that their actions (or lack of them) have real consequences on the whole family, and now is the time to act more maturely.

You might also consider explaining that by helping out, they’re showing kindness, maturity, and support, just like they do with others. Sometimes teens need to be reminded that home is where those qualities are needed most.

It’s okay to be firm, and it’s okay to enforce boundaries, especially when your health is on the line. Teens can be self-centered, but they are also capable of empathy and responsibility when those expectations are made clear. You deserve that support, and they need to understand that they’re part of a team — and right now, the team needs them to step up.

They are teenagers and are kinda selfish a holes tbh but even i would expect my 4 boys to help out if i was poorly. I mean they are old enough set chores and stick to them I know you might be exhausted but i do hope they step up for you. Take care and I hope they do start helping and being more considerate

Have you really thrashed out with them exactly what is happening the prognosis etc. There is a good chance they are terrified and the kick back is a denial that you're really ill and that cancer is the cause. A solid sit down chat seems the answer either way, that you wish you didn't have to ask but you will need their help etc. Good luck.

They absolutely should be helping out anyway, but maybe they're in denial that you're unwell & refusing to acknowledge things have changed with your health. I would ask them the best way forward for you all, that you cannot manage the household alone & they must help. They are young adults & sanctions may not be effective but if they refuse any help I would absolutely be giving little back, want a lift? Tough luck. No money to see friends, oh well. Sending you best wishes for a speedy recovery OP.

Are you with their dad? Is he living at home?

OP says she's a lone parent in the op

This. If he’s useless and they’re usually good kind kids for other people, I’d presume this is his influence on them; to be honest. Is that changeable? Him leading by example is likely to be far more effective than anything else in that scenario.

The Dad lives elsewhere and is no help have repeatedly asked him to step up and in - I have Sat down and explained the diagnoses and that I will be ok but need help as has my friend - I think I need to do it again - I have always managed thinks well myself and am very self reliant and have a lot of energy so this me is hard on all. - the no lifts is a good one - needing help is hard and I think that's part of it for me and having to ask repeatedly makes it worse

I echo what everyone else says above about sitting them down and spelling out all of it - diagnosis, treatment, effects and prognosis

But the bottom line is - you won't be up to doing what you usually do, so they are going to notice the effects pretty damn quickly

I wish you luck with a successful outcome soon

Fantastic response 👏

Don't be afraid to blow up at them, sometimes a reality check is more than needed. Assuming no disabilities your 3 teens should now be more than capable of running the household. Your going to need to be tough to get through the next year or so, give them more responsibilities it will ready them for the adult world and being able to be independent. As a mum it's now your turn to come first something we all struggle to do with our children, I could be an arse as a teen but if I could see one of my parents struggling I stepped up and mucked in that's family, that's love, I hope your get through this stronger than ever.

Teens can be very emotionally affected by a parent being seriously ill.

Obviously you are the person who is ill, but they worry about what will happen to them if you die. Especially if their dad is useless.

I suffered a life changing accident when my kids were early teens and it has seriously impacted their lives.

If it's possible to get them support - from school maybe by being registered as young carers - it might help a good idea.

In an ideal world they would step up and help run the household and look after you. Sometimes, though their own emotions take over. They aren't adults.

Is there any other support you can get from elsewhere?

I think it’s also worth pointing out that their help will improved your (anticipated, if I’ve read it correctly) rate of recovery. Of course, it’s truer that their lack of help will likely hinder your recovery, but I would definitely frame it as their help being a big positive for all of you, rather than their lack of help being a negative.

Good luck with it all.

I'd be holding crisis talks and laying down the law. They are not doing these tasks, at their age to "help you", they are expected to do these tasks because they are members of a household.

You will not be doing X, Y, Z anymore (or until such a time) so if they want dinner / clean clothes etc they have to organise this themselves. Dog is being neglected = dog gets rehomed.

Are they getting any support from anyone? Does the hospital offer family support or therapy? I wonder if they are somewhat in denial that their mum has cancer? They are teens, and their dad is "useless", and their mum might be dying. That would be an emotional situation for an older person who just didn't want to lose their mum. For teens, who are not yet or only just self sufficient, I imagine this is a terrifying situation both practically and emotionally! Might they not be helping, because that means recognising that you can't do everything you used to because you are very ill - that's terrifying.

Older teens bickering over who takes the dog out isn't giving me 'poor traumatised children' vibes, tbh.

My Mam had breast cancer when I was 16, and I went completely off the rails. I thought she was going to die and I was going to have to take care of my Dad and my 3 younger siblings. My behaviour escalated to the point I was self harming, and I had a massive melt down in a lesson in school and shouted at the teacher - where all my concerns came rambling out, everything I had been keeping inside. The school were wonderful, and I had counselling, and a long heart to heart with my Mam about exactly what type of cancer she had, what stage, what treatment was needed and the prognosis. Things slowly got better the more my parents let me in on exactly what was happening. It sounds like maybe your children (and you) need some outside support. Separately and collectively. Talking with school/college may be a good place to start?
Sending you so much love and strength. Life sounds tough, but there are things you can do to make it easier! Have you got family or friends that can help, too?

They are probably scared themselves at the moment.

No excuse but it is an explanation- I’m sure they do love you but teenagers are selfish by nature.

I know what you mean about the arguing about it being someone else’s turn. When dd was a very sick baby and keeping me awake the entire night my now exh was next to useless - worse than useless maybe. My Mum came to “help” but then the pair of them started arguing about who “should” being the one doing the lions share of helping.

OK, this is more on exh than my Mum, but why come to help and then argue about it? It just ended up with my still doing it all but with a bad atmosphere. Ex MIL is the one who actually properly helped, and I’ll always remember that.

My friend has recently had breast cancer (thank goodness clear now) and she has 3 children, 2 teens and 1 much younger. She did have to sit down with the elder 2 and explain they needed to step up. She has always done pretty much everything for them as a SAHM - her DH worked away a lot so finding a job around his hours was difficult. So I guess they got used to Mum always doing everything.
she found treatment hard and had chemo, radiotherapy and surgery and her energy levels really suffered.
i would sit yours down and have a really honest conversation about that they will need to pull their weight. You’re a team that needs to pull together. I would be drawing up a chores board and agreeing who will do what.
wishing you well through your treatment and recovery

I’m sorry to hear about this. Teenagers can be absolute arseholes.
Make it quite simple. If they’re choosing to not assist with their pet when you need help the most - the dog gets rehomed. That’s the fairest solution for all.
You need to re-iterate (although they will already be aware on many levels) how much you NEED help to aid recovery. I’d explain that going forward helping and contributing to the house is the bare minimum you expect from them. They’re young adults.
Get well soon x

So sorry you are going through this. PP gave a good response, and you have the perfect explanation about no lifts: “I asked you all to help with various tasks, but it wasn’t your turn, so I ended up doing all the stuff. No I’m exhausted so I’m going to bed. I’m afraid you’ll have to make your own arrangements to get to drama club/your friend’s house/ whatever. No, I haven’t cooked. There’s pasta in the cupboard. No, I haven’t done the laundry. The washing powder is under the sink.”

Good luck, I hope they step up for you.

I think sometimes with teens there is a tendency to talk to them a try to reason with them. But by their very nature they are selfish.

You need action because it speaks louder than words. Use their pocket money to pay for a dog walker

Please, please, please make sure you tell their school(s) what is happening. I know it is your, private medical info, but it will be affecting them. They may not need support at school. But they may. And it is far easier for a school/staff if they understand this in advance.

Tbh it sounds like the issue is not that they are asshole, it's that you have left it until now to expect them to start doing chores. They've been allowed to be lazy and selfish for so long, it's not going to be easy to change that. Just keep nagging at them.

Good luck with your treatment!

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis.
Re: teens, yes they're being arse-holes but from a practical viewpoint, I found it really useful to make a rota of dog-walking (and other chores too). That way, the arguments should be done and dusted at the start of the week. If they know in advance they've got to factor it in to their day, they're less likely to kick off when it's sprung on them (in their view) last-minute.