Teens been aholes while I have cancer

[thistowillpass]

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

YANBU BUT your teens will be struggling with your news too (possibly more so) and teens are not good at expressing their feelings in the correct way.

Don’t be surprised if they’re more angry or rude than normal.
This is them processing it.

It is of course not an excuse and you need to call them out on their behaviour and just be honest about how they should be helping around the house more (they should be doing this anyway).

Do you have anyone who could look after the dog for you?

Perhaps you could speak to a cancer charity and see if they offer foster placements.
I know they do this for people fleeing domestic violence.

Not having the dog there will be just 1 less thing for you to worry about.

I would also get ahead of yourself and meal plan.
I would do an online shop and have the same thing every week and so the weekly shopping is exactly the same.

Set up a physical rota.
If you do it and make it even (or dependent on ages) then they can’t argue with each other about it.

If one can’t cook, then they can wash up.
One can load the washing machine, the other one can unload and hang it up.

It should only take about 30mins a day of their time.

I would sit them all down, say you're not impressed with their behaviour and that it needs to change as you are going to be very poorly for a while. Together work out a fair job sheet so that you're not doing anything other than surviving right now. Sort out online food shops, get easy meals in and ask them to sort out a basic meal plan so there's no daily arguing "I'm not eating that".

You're not their servant, you are their Mum and right now you need love, support and their help. And rope in a friend/relative to help hammer it home if needs be. I'd also try and go through your treatment plan with them so they know what's going to be happening... sometimes the fear is a lot worse than the reality.

I think a rota is the best idea, then they can't argue over whose turn it is.

Teenagers think the world revolves around them, that is a developmental fact. In the moment they're arguing about it, all they're focussing on is their own needs/wants.

Sit down and make a list of what chores need doing, and see if there's any they'd prefer to do - try and agree amongst yourselves who's doing what and when, and tell them they have to stick to it or else they'll all be getting favours withdrawn.

Good luck 💐

@thistowillpass they are definitely in denial/scared. A ‘normal’ conversation where you explain stuff matter of factly and how you intend to be around for many years yet should help …

Firstly I am sorry you are going through this .I recently had chemo (,just got all clear on wed last) .Chemo is tiring and you will need help .Maybe a Cleaner once a week just for 6 months (maybe DM or ex DH can help out ,or help with costs) Perhaps speak to the School ,also GP in case they can help .Explain to them gently ,that you have a good chance of getting better with their help .At 15 plus they should be capable of helping out anyway .A dog walker or friend maybe ? One teen say hoovering once or twice a week. one dinner s /washing up .one washing ,then they swap.Rest is very important.I still feel tired and need to rest a lot (last Chemo 29th August!) Take care sending hugs and kisses xx

Choochoo21 OP will need her doggy more than usual! Teens too .Cancer is very hard emotionally and physically .My dog is a huge help, and has been all through my treatment.

Nope, sorry, at this point I'm ready to leave that house and not go back. If the dad is no help or support and the kids are a%shoes, cut and run for a night and let them run free or pack them off to their dads. I'd rather deal with this stuff on my own than have the additional requirement for me to manage a household with inconsiderate pricks too

They will step up when you step down.

This means focusing on yourself and your self care.

Things to stop:

• making lunch/dinner for the household
• all washing and ironing (save your own)
• Food shopping if you go to an actual store
• No pick ups or lifts anywhere. Organise a bus pass for them for the next few months
• Fussing if their rooms are unclean. That’s not a priority for you right now

Things to do:

• Stock up on paper plates, bowls, cups (I can hear MNers screaming about the waste but there are times when they are useful). The kids just use these and put them straight in the bin
• Arrange the house in a more practical way eg, the ironing board and iron in a central area, not tidied away. Certain utensils out in the work top, washing power not in a cupboard but on top of the washing machine.
• Online food shopping and food deliveries on days your kids are there.
• limit your housekeeping. So keeping your kitchen clean, bathroom clean is the beginning and end of your chores. Ideally if you have more than one bathroom, that you have sole use of one and the others share. In this case keep in your bathroom clean and leave the other to the kids.
• Buy yourself lovely new bath towels that are yours only. You wash all your clothes and towels. You don’t do any of their washing
• Create a relaxing environment in your bedroom so you don’t find yourself dismayed over the state of the house and are resolved to clean. So make sure there’s a tv, maybe a kettle etc.
• Focus on making yourself nourishing meals. Do not cook for others. They probably wouldn’t want healthy meals anyway but if there are leftovers, fine but do not cook for them. Also do not moan about what they choose to make themselves. So if they are making a pasta bake for the third night a row, so be it! Just make sure you order easy to cook food for them on the online food shop and leave recipe books out for them.
• Assign them with jobs. Don’t rotate. It’s too much admin: one child does the kitchen bin, wheelie bins and food delivery, one child does weekday dog walks and feeding the dog, one child does weekend dog walks and feeding the dog for those days too. kids are responsible for keeping their rooms tidy, all their washing and ironing, all their travel needs and all meals.
• Don’t bother with a chores list or rota. All it will do is give you admin and arguments to deal with. So stress basically.
• If you can, get in a cleaner every two weeks to give a clean. Or a kindly friend who is willing to run round with the hoover and do some dusting.

This isn’t forever, but unless you step back, they won’t step up.

Sorry you're having to go through this OP on top of your own illness. It shows in your post how draining it all is for you.

Teens can be very frustrating! But if they've not really had to do much round the house before, this is likely to be a big step up for them. Their Mum is ill and they are having to take on more responsibility - two big changes at once. Teens are not like young children, but they are not always emotionally mature enough to cope well with situations like a parent being ill either. Teenagers facing a parent's serious illness can feel scared, like the rug has been pulled from under them, resentful, angry, insecure, unsettled - and may not know how to express those things.

Parents also do often expect things of their kids at such times that they have never really been taught to do or navigate, and may expect them to react in a more adult way than their years and maturity. Back in CAMHS, I've had to have a gentle word with many a parent about this - they are hoping for their teens to step up and go "whatever you need mum/dad". Which of course is understandable - but that's also not realistic, because they are not adults, and they still need their mum/dad.

It sounds like they may need a family meeting and for you to help them with some structure, such as a rota, making sure the jobs are divided up fairly between them and making the expectations and boundaries clear. What jobs need doing, how often, when do they plan to get them done, what are the consequences of not doing your fair share. And they may need the effects of your treatment explicitly spelling out to them. They will not automatically know that radiotherapy will make you sick and tired.

It may also be important to schedule a day off for each of them as well, where they get to not have to think about chores and caring. And you may also have to accept that in some areas, standards may slide, because they may not do things as well as an adult will do them.

My teens recently had to step up massively in our house. The only way we could manage that without it becoming endless arguments was to put a rota in place, where tasks were equally divided and rotated.

A few tasks between them each day made managing the household a lot easier.
They had to tick off every task so we knew it was done.
Theres no pleading or arguing, it was fair and everyone knew what was expected.

Good luck! Wishing you strength ahead.

Friend undergoing breast cancer treatment. In bed for a week after each chemo. She might not be able to walk the dog.

Where about are you based OP? Although not the point of your post- if I’m near you I’d be more than happy to help out, run errands. My mum went through cancer diagnosis twice when I was a teenager. I wish I was mature enough to help out then and not so much of an idiot.
good luck!

Because OP mentions their dad helping out

@StormingNorman - go back and read again. She states very clearly that he is not on the scene - entirely elsewhere - and this is not an option.

There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them

I know Dad is t on the scene but this is the sentence in the OP where posters could get confused. You wouldn’t expect a separated parent to be factored into helping around the house.

Happy to help x

You've probably done so much for your Ds's that they don't appreciate you've done it all out of love, they think it's all Mums job and so resent being asked to pick up the slack Op. If your sons are kind boys then you need to engage their empathy, refer them back to an illness where they felt too sick/ and or too tired to do anything but rest and tell them that's how you will feel, not because you're getting worse but because the treatment is very hard but necessary. Tell them how much their co-operation and kindness would mean to you and how much more quickly you'll recover if you have their help, that this is a not a time for fighting with each other over whose turn it is but a time to all pull together.

Manage their expectations, make it clear that if they ask you for certain things you just won't be able to oblige, much easier to make it clear you can't do some things then to let them ask and be disappointed, things like late night pick ups from friends will not be happening. I've had cancer and I know how scared my DP was, much more than he ever let show until I went into remission, so it's a hard thing for your boys to cope with, be honest with them, don't try to protect them by lying because pretending all's well when they know it's not isn't a comfort, it makes them scared of what you're not telling them.

The % of men who leave their wives when they get cancer is dreadful, if you and your boys can navigate this together they'll grow up to be much, much better men than their useless DF

I think what you need is a rota OP, no one can argue that it's not their turn then!

Thank you all for your kind words and wishes - I feel better having voiced it - they can be very helpful at times but I am disappointed in my repeated asking - I can't get rid of my dog it's a rescue and besotted with me ( and my favourite child as always happy to see me) - I think another talk and agreement is in order and may inlist my mum or sister as back up ,- thanks again and please check our self as it didn't show in my mammogram last year so I am very lucky x

I knew someone who got breast cancer.
She and her mum locked horns her entire life, then when she got sick, they tried to make up for lost time — it wasn’t nearly enough time.
And she was an arsehole: she stiffed people for rent money, she ditched me in Mexico & I had to hitchhike back to California, she sank a motorboat & blamed her friends, she blamed getting drunk on everybody else… you know the type. Everything was everybody else’s fault. Biggest flake in the universe.

I miss that arsehole like the flowers miss the sun.

Maybe your kids don’t understand the seriousness of breast cancer. Do they understand that you might not be here for their 21st birthday? Do they understand that you might not be here for their weddings? Do they understand that you might not be here to celebrate their first babies? Do they understand that you might not be here for them to laugh at and make fun of?

You can’t make them listen, but I’d sure be having a serious conversation with them, all together and individually.

I wish you love, @thistowillpass— and I wish you healing and I wish you life. ❤️

Just a thought, could you see if the hospital could arrange for a nurse or even a volunteer to talk to them, sometimes others can get through. Perhaps you need to be slightly less upbeat too, you may have overplayed the downplaying! I'd sit your kids down myself!

Ignore these ideas about helping your kids.

You’re the person needing help. You’re not being selfish but realistic. You shouldn’t be sitting in your car, alone.
I think you should treat yourself & make your bedroom a peaceful sanctuary, at the very least. Music, candles, whatever.
You & your kids need to communicate. Tell them you’re tired, sore & scared. They may tell you how they feel. Discuss various options eg if I can’t care for you & you can’t care for yourself, you may need to live somewhere else for a time; with your father or another relative or friend.

You can’t predict how you will feel but you know that things need to change.
Please look after yourself now, it’s very important.

Oh, & keep the dog, it’s supportive of you.

Sit them down and talk to them about how things are that you need support from them. Let them see you cry and you get upset. They will see how serious this is. Take care of yourself x

No, she doesn't. OP says twice in her posts that he us"no support" at all. Also that "he lives elsewhere". Why not read the posts yourself instread of others spoonfeedin g the info. to you?

I really feel for you. I have breast cancer tpp and have had to read my teen the riot act on a few occasions and have been very clear that while mine (like yours) was found early and the prognosis is good, if I have a great deal of stress etc. it will affect my recovery and could lead to a worsening outcome. It has worked in the short term but they do need reminding.

Do accept all and any help offered and enlist your mum/sister/friends to support you to talk to them. If they are still at school you may be able to find support to do this there too. Locally to me there is a centre which offers counselling so perhaps try and find some near you and get on any waiting lists now. Some family therapy might help mediate between you so that there is a plan.