Teens been aholes while I have cancer

[thistowillpass]

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

It's always going the hard to get them to start doing chores now when they've never had to think about doing them before

But if I was being particularly grumpy I'd probably say go away and google what I'm going through - once you've all pulled you're heads out of your arses sit down together and agree what jobs will be done by whom and when and tell me when your rota is pinned to the fridge

Sorry to hear this.
They are not listening to you- maybe you have stressed the it will be ok outcome.
Is there another relative- or family friend that can read them the riot act/ support you?

There may be some denial going on here. Carry on as normal, leave mum to do what she normally does and she can't be that sick...can she? Ignore it with fingers in our ears and it won't be real. I echo the pps who say a full talk is in order where you explain the situation and set out clearly what you want from each of them (allocate sorcific tasks to individuals rather than 'you all need to help more' so responsibility is clear.)

My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. Her children were 16 and 18 at the time. She is a single parent and lives 100 miles away from the rest of our family. She has a few local friends.

She had similar problems with her children, mostly the eldest. After a month or so I offered to have a conversation with them.

I chatted about how their behaviour was upsetting to their mum, how it was important for her to have support and how they needed to step up a little bit as whilst she had her operations her treatment was far from over. I was also able to tell them how disappointed their Grandparents were in their behaviour..

It worked.

I think the fact their Aunty had stepped in made a difference as I’ve never even had to encourage them to clam down/not run off as little kids.

I understand it won’t work for everyone, and I only did it with consent from my sister. And I’m sure many will condemn it as they will say the kids may need support to navigate their mum being ill as opposed to a telling off. I agree with that to a degree, (although it should be noted support had been given from a variety of sources) but at their ages, they aren’t babies anymore and need to understand their needs right at that time were not more important than their mum’s.

Good luck with your treatment.

I agree with PPs that they need to understand that they are not ‘helping you’ or doing things ‘for you’, they are doing things as members of the household where they live, and not doing them has consequences for them - you won’t pick up the slack.
I think you need to sit down with them and draw up a list of everything that needs doing and be very prescriptive about what each task includes, and who’s responsibility it is eg. Washing up means putting away already clean things, washing all the dirty pots and pans, wiping down the work surfaces and the table, cleaning up all the splashes round the sink, and writing on a shopping list if the washing up liquid is running low. You need to assume they will not realise about all those little add on things that you would do automatically.

Good luck with your treatment OP.

My 3 teens do quite a few jobs and I'm not ill but think it's important to learn. I think the secret is having a routine so they know what is expected and when. For ad hoc jobs (usually in school holidays) I usually write a list and ask them to put their initials next to 2 jobs, first come first served (motivates then to sign up quickly). They're not perfect: if there's ever an ad hoc job like DH can't walk dog then no one wants to do it (I have a saying, "It's not my day." in whiny voice!) so I do believe routine and choice is the secret.

Here's what mine do:
One wash each on the weekend of all their clothes combined - darks, lights, whites. They put the wash on and hang it up. I fold clothes once a week. No ironing. I wash sheets and towels and mine/ dh's clothes.

Lay table twice a week. If you don't lay, you clear. I cook, dh washes up.

Walk dog twice a week each, dh does the other times.

Pair 30 socks (one person per week).

Weekly jobs. DS1- Hoovering stairs, landing and family room, DD - Cleaning family shower, DS2 - Cleaning his bathroom. They chose these jobs 4 years ago in lockdown and haven't wanted to swap!

Ad hoc jobs:
Pruning in garden, weeding patio, hoovering car, washing car, painting, deep cleaning. These are just when off school and usually helping me do it rather than on their own.

I wish you a very successful treatment and speedy recovery, @thistowillpass

I agree that you need to have a conversation about this being non-negotiable. Teens are not naturally wired towards sympathy but if you spell it out, they are old enough to understand and mature and capable enough t do what is needed.

Make it easy for everyone. Have them make a rota on a big piece of paper and stick it to the fridge door. Discuss which days suit each of them best, working with any extra-curricular schedules they have.

They can take turns walking the dog, cooking and doing a cleaning chore each twice a week. That leaves one day a week where you will need outside help - perhaps from your ex, a family member, good friend or home help. No swapping, no delaying, no arguments.

As PP suggested, explain that if they leave it all to you, you will be too tired to give them lifts, to cook or clean.

Discuss ways to make every thing easier for them as well as you. Choose very easy week night meals - pasta and ready made sauce with bagged salad, or baked potatoes with grated cheese, beans and salad, or oven baked chicken kievs/fish with oven chips and peas and carrots. Show them some videos of Jamie Oliver or Nigel Slater or similar chefs who simplify family dinners into recipes that have short, easy prep and cooking times.

Discuss some treats for every one pulling together during a tough time - maybe a family film night or Uber Eats once a week, if all the chores have been done without nagging and complaint.

They'll have GCSE/A level prep at their age (as well as totally essential social lives ) so if you can lighten the load, do. Can you get a cleaner for the next few months so that their main jobs are to keep the place tidy, dog walked and family fed, rather than also cleaning? Could you afford a dog walker, or try to find a willing neighbourhood family who are thinking of getting a dog, who might like to do some regular dogwalks? Or Borrow My Doggy system, if that still exists.

I agree with others that it's time to carve out a proper sit down meeting - within that I would remind them that cancer is a serious debilitating illness regardless of whether it is incurable or not and that if they fuck this up they are likely to look back in years to come with such a sense of sadness and shame. I'd underline that yes it's unfair they're having to step up in a way their friends probably aren't, but life is unfair, cancer is unfair - hopefully though once this is all over you can all look back with pride at how you, as a family, as a team, tackled this difficult period. Help them to see the bigger picture. Best wishes.

I’d have a rota for the dog walking and let them each have their own wash basket and do their own laundry.
If they won’t help then let them suffer the consequences - bag their stuff daily and put it in their rooms - keep your living area and bedroom nice for you to use. They can help with making food and do their own lunches. Cut down on any extra spending for them and use it to make your life easier.

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis

I think it's really important to make sure your kids have as much outside support as possible, especially as their dad is no longer in the picture. Make sure school is aware and able to offer pastoral support, and maybe even speak to your GP or cancer nurse about accessing some form of counselling or therapy.

There's no question that they should be helping, but I suspect they are also absolutely shit-scared and that's coming out in anger rather than support.

Having been through the same when DS was 17 it is difficult. On the one hand you don’t want them to think you’re going to peg it, but on the other hand they are lulled into a false sense of security that you are fine.
Post radio fatigue is rubbish. And it can last for months, particularly if combined with post treatment hormone therapy.
The turning point for my DS was when DH unexpectedly had a stroke not long after I finished treatment. He grew up overnight and would, and still does do lots around the house.
He’s now at uni and is thriving.

I would sit down with them and explain that although you are now cancer free the radio is going to make you very tired. Some days you may not have the energy to get out of bed ( lay it on thick), you are going to need help shopping, cooking and cleaning.Without help they may starve, have no clean clothes to wear and the house will not remain clean for long.
Let them know that you are happy to let things slide during your recovery and will fend for yourself but they will have to do the same.
Have a practice week. No cooking or washing just so they have an idea of what to expect.
Teenagers have no concept of how everything gets done, as long as there are clean clothes in their drawers and wardrobe they rarely question how they get there.
Ironing in particular is a huge mystery to them.
My DS never queries food or lack of it. He worked during his gap year and would often ring me from Tescos to check if we needed anything. He realised that he had to be proactive or starve.

What support have the teenagers got? Your illness will have had a serious impact upon them and it's not a surprise they are not handling it very well if they've not had the support they need to process things. They are in a very difficult and unpleasant situation and children don't react in an ideal way every time.

I'm not excusing their behaviour but am pointing out that just because you've told them you'll be fine, doesn't mean they believe that is 100% true.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Teens are absolute selfish arseholes and cannot be relied upon. I always have ambitious plans for family rotas which I never get off the ground because I don't get the buy in from everyone, and frankly I don't have the time or energy to push it. My thoughts are keep it simple. What are the jobs that are non negotiables - they absolutely need doing and you can't do them? Divvy these up and look at sources of outside help where you are underconfident about them being done consistently. So each kid takes the dog on at least one walk a week and you hire a dog walker for the shortfall. I am putting the bar low so you might get some success. Best of luck with your treatment xxx

I am sorry for your diagnosis but relieved for your prognosis, OP, because early breast cancer usually has excellent outcomes. Wishing you one.

It sounds like you’ve been doing a lot for your DC and maybe it’s time for them to take on some more jobs, anyway. I’m sure they are scared and in denial, but perhaps this crisis can be a sort of opportunity.

Is there an aunty or close friend who could help with the conversation? They might be better behaved, and that might make things go more smoothly. If not, could you book a couple of family counselling sessions?

I agree with natural consequences. Your health is a top priority now. If you need to organise a dogwalker, the money comes from their allowances. It’s possible the dog may need to be rehomed. If you need a cleaner, it’s going to affect their clothing budgets and beyond. Etc.

Three teenagers are capable of keeping a household ticking over.

Very best wishes

Keeping a household ticking over temporarily, I mean. Though I hope they will continue to do more than perhaps they have been after you recover

Teens of that age should be helping within the household whether you're ill or not so please don't feel guilty about asking them to step up, this is how they grow into functional adults. Have a serious open chat with them and delegate, then keep it up after you've recovered. I'd try to get some support for them, whether the school, family or friends that they can turn to but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have responsibilities.

It does not exempt them from helping out though. At 15+ they are very much dependent on their friends and are not impressed if you suggest they might need to talk to someone. DS was very reluctant to share because he didn’t want people feeling sorry for him. He just wanted to feel normal outside of home.
It’s actually very difficult dealing with serious illness of parents when everyone around you is asking how you are.
My DS would answer “I’m fine, it’s my mum that has cancer”. Often their experience of serious illness is limited and they are learning how to deal with it. The mention of counselling was triggering for DS, he became very suspicious that we were not telling him the truth about my prognosis and were preparing him for bad news.
My DSis is currently in end of life pathway and I have been very careful to tell him exactly what is going on and that his aunt is dying and it’s likely to be in the next week or so.
Transparency is so important. Protecting them may ultimately be more damaging in the long run.

If you don’t feel able to have this conversation alone, I’d ask one of their school teachers to support you whilst you cover what the PP has written.

im sorry that you are facing this.

Remember they are dealing emotionally with this too. My mum had breast cancer when I was 15 - everything became about her for about a year and honestly it screwed me up in a number of ways. I was too young to suddenly understand that my needs were going to take a back burner. 15 is very very young. They aren’t suddenly going to put you first when they haven’t had to so far. Take it gently with them.

Teens are ungrateful parasites, but it doesn't mean they don't love you more than anyone else in the world.

Well done for not making them terrified and easing the emotional burden on them.

Like PP have said, you do need to explain that the recovery will be hard on you physically and they need to do more. Make a visible rota and make them accountable to each other, as well as to you.

That's because you don't know much about it.

If their mum has always been the safe, dependable adult they may not know how to process her now needing help from them. She is the person they've always felt secure to be their pettiest and most selfish around, knowing her love and care isn't conditional on their good behaviour - this is normal and healthy in a parent/child relationship but when things become less stable they have no blueprint for how the new relationship should look. They may well lash out or retreat into silly squabbles and self preservation. It's not a great look but it's not abnormal.

I was about the OP's kids' age when my single mum started to have a number of health issues (one was cancer) that put her out of action and meant I and my brother had to step up. I don't think we dealt with it brilliantly at first but at the time it was a huge shock. I felt very wrong footed by it all and surprised by the amount of work it takes to run a house, although I'd always pitched in with chores etc. It's one thing to be a helpful, steady teen who holds down a part-time job or gets good grades; quite different when you feel the world you know might be crumbling and you're the only thing holding it together. I am certain I behaved like a turd sometimes until I found my feet. Can't fault the OP's kids as this is a scary situation but unfortunately they are going to have to push through. I'm just saying trauma and suffering don't always look all that noble.

Clue in the first line "Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15..."

not only does the dog get rehomed if they can't be arsed to look after him, if the three of them are 15+, unless there's twins in the mix, presumably at least one is 18+ - save him the trauma of doing the washing up & tell him to move out?
Is fostering an option for the under 18s?

I don't think their dad is going to help you but the teens should

Yeah, I would say this too. When things happen in my life I bury my head in the sand, and sometimes don't step up like I should because I'm just spiralling inside.

This could be the case for them.

Even though you've told them you're going to be fine, it's probably their first reality check that lets them know that you're not invincible and - at some point - they will lose you. Not for many, many years hopefully, but it's still terrifying.