Page 5 | Teens been aholes while I have cancer

thistowillpass · 2024-10-20T12:38:18+00:00

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

Judecb · 21/10/2024 17:51

I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. You need to get your ex on board and lay it on the line to your children. I suspect they are acting out as a reaction to your situation, but they need to step up and help. Speak to them, speak to their school and please, please look after yourself.

Anotherpinkginplease · 21/10/2024 18:01

Didn't want to read and run but my mum had breast cancer, lumpectomy and radiotherapy and all is well in the sense that the cancer is gone however the medication she has had to have after really plays with your hormones and things. Please sit your teens down and explain how you need them to step up, they should be rallying round you right now. As for your husband he needs to pull his finger out

Minxmumma · 21/10/2024 18:14

First the biggest most gentle of hugs. Its a horrid place to be.

Second (I've been exactly where you are right now). Sit them down with a list of the things that need doing. And insist everybody does at least 1 job everyday. Get it on a list you can remind them of and hold them to. Make sure everyone takes a fair share!

Explain to them how you are feeling but also ask them to share how they are feeling. From experience they will have lots of very big emotions around this and may not be really sure how to talk to you about it. Give them space. You might all cry, they might be angry, they might be feeling helpless.

Finally hats off to you lady. Teens are hard enough. Navigating this with three teens is akin to crossing the north pole

Hameth · 21/10/2024 18:15

Tricho · 20/10/2024 13:43

Sit your teens down for a serious conversation, away from distractions, and make it clear that things need to change.

Tell them directly that your treatment and recovery will demand more from everyone in the household, and you won’t be able to manage everything on your own.

Be honest about how you're feeling both physically and emotionally. It’s important they understand that this isn’t just about you being tired — this is about your health and well-being, and their help is non-negotiable.

You could set clear expectations and assign specific tasks to each of them. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or walking the dog, outline exactly who’s responsible for what and when. This avoids arguments over whose turn it is. Explain that you’re not asking for their help anymore — you’re telling them it’s their responsibility as part of the family to step up.

If they resist or argue, stand firm. Let them know that there will be consequences for not pitching in — whether it’s less screen time, no access to certain privileges, or other things they value. It’s not about punishing them but making them understand that their actions (or lack of them) have real consequences on the whole family, and now is the time to act more maturely.

You might also consider explaining that by helping out, they’re showing kindness, maturity, and support, just like they do with others. Sometimes teens need to be reminded that home is where those qualities are needed most.

It’s okay to be firm, and it’s okay to enforce boundaries, especially when your health is on the line. Teens can be self-centered, but they are also capable of empathy and responsibility when those expectations are made clear. You deserve that support, and they need to understand that they’re part of a team — and right now, the team needs them to step up.

This

StormingNorman · 21/10/2024 18:22

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ElaborateCushion · 21/10/2024 18:23

Unfortunately teenagers can be very selfish. They won't truly understand what you are telling them until it affects them.

So, don't try and overdo things. If you can't face something, tell them. If you want to lose your temper and shout at them, do it!

I'm sure (hope!) they'll be remorseful when they realise how poorly you're feeling.

bellocchild · 21/10/2024 18:29

A couple of nights of no-food-cooked and no-clothes- washed should enable you all to have a sensible talk. Keep it nice, apologise for lack of service, but say you just don't feel up to it...tell them it will be kinder to the dog to re-home him, and you will contact the RSPCA. Hopefully that will rattle them enough to make them more co-operative.

LoobyDoop2 · 21/10/2024 18:29

thistowillpass · 20/10/2024 22:21

Thank you all for your kind words and wishes - I feel better having voiced it - they can be very helpful at times but I am disappointed in my repeated asking - I can't get rid of my dog it's a rescue and besotted with me ( and my favourite child as always happy to see me) - I think another talk and agreement is in order and may inlist my mum or sister as back up ,- thanks again and please check our self as it didn't show in my mammogram last year so I am very lucky x

I think getting your mum or sister to support by telling the kids that they need to step in practically, and also offer a shoulder for them to cry on, is a really good idea.

PaminaMozart · 21/10/2024 18:31

Your children are 15+ and old enough to do better and show consideration for you. If they choose to continue to be uncooperative, even a after you have explained, made to-do lists, laid down the law, withheld privileges, docked pocket-money...... focus on yourself, your needs, your health.

Tell them they are need to do their own cooking, cleaning, laundry and take the bus instead of relying on lifts from you. Order easy to prepare food and ready meals online. And leave them to it.

The only task I'd stick with is walking the dog - because this is hopefully something you enjoy and may even be therapeutic, and the dog is probably doing more to support you.

SockPlant · 21/10/2024 18:32

thistowillpass · 20/10/2024 14:01

The Dad lives elsewhere and is no help have repeatedly asked him to step up and in - I have Sat down and explained the diagnoses and that I will be ok but need help as has my friend - I think I need to do it again - I have always managed thinks well myself and am very self reliant and have a lot of energy so this me is hard on all. - the no lifts is a good one - needing help is hard and I think that's part of it for me and having to ask repeatedly makes it worse

Can you just say: well i can't look after you and the house and dog, so you and dog are going to live with dad when i start treatment?

Happysocks18 · 21/10/2024 18:41

When I was 10 my mum went through breast cancer, I knew she was ill and needed extra help but my brothers and I were also kids/ teens and probably didn’t fully understand how difficult it was for her. I was worried for her but didn’t fully understand the impact for her. I’m sure your kids are probably going through the same. Don’t take it personally. They are probably worried and love you and not thinking of being better to support you. Their Dad on the other hand should be stepping up to help. I hope all goes well for you and your teens start to realise what you need and step up but if they don’t they are probably still growing and maturing and dealing with a lot of worry about their mum being poorly. Stay strong OP

Thoughtthatcounts · 21/10/2024 18:41

My husband was diagnosed with cancer in January. We have 2 teens. They behaved appallingly when we first told them and I was so dismayed. They were fighting with each other and being really unhelpful. I think they were just shit scared and didn’t want to face it. Once my husbands treatment started they did actually step up more as they could see how much my husband was struggling. My one son coped by being out a lot as he said he was too scared to see my usually very for and strong hubby become so poorly. Teens are generally quite selfish but you may find once the shock and dust settles they might step up more. One horrible and frightening night when we to you rush my husband to A and E for a side effect from chemo my son suddenly stepped up and came with me to hospital. He fetched a wheel chair for his dad and stayed with me all night. Take care x

Dogsbreath7 · 21/10/2024 19:03

YouveGotAFastCar · 20/10/2024 13:56

This. If he’s useless and they’re usually good kind kids for other people, I’d presume this is his influence on them; to be honest. Is that changeable? Him leading by example is likely to be far more effective than anything else in that scenario.

Show quote history

Read the OP!?!?!

sunshinemode · 21/10/2024 19:10

Dotto · 20/10/2024 14:20

Older teens bickering over who takes the dog out isn't giving me 'poor traumatised children' vibes, tbh.

Kids give poor traumatised children vibes in many different ways including feelings of anger toward the ill parent, for being ill, for not being the invincible mother they always thought you were. Talk to them but be gentle they are scared

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 21/10/2024 19:22

They're probably terrified and craving normality.....they'll want to push boundaries to see how much you're able to understand. Basically they will understand some of the situation but not how to cope with it and their emotions around it.

Hell I remember going on a long walk with my mum weeks after whipple surgery and at the back of my mind thinking this shows everything will be OK as we've always gone on walks together. It was a little normality then being slapped in the face with reality when she almost collapsed and we had to stop. And I wasn't a teenager.......they need help with processing their emotions and their reality for the next few months and even years. Their life is changing and I can guarantee you this won't be about walking the dog.

Ukrainebaby23 · 21/10/2024 19:29

My mum died of breast cancer when I was 19.
She was diagnosed about 4 months previously, it was years ago when treatment wasn't as advanced and as a family we knew very little about cancer, diagnosis or treatments etc.

But she was my mom and until about a week b4 she died, she was strong and didn't let on how scared she was or how awful she felt, or how everything hurt. I found out after bc she left a shaky journal.

I'm guessing your teens have discussed your diagnosis and said/thought, it's mom she'll be ok, she'll make it OK. Nothing will change.

Maybe a breast cancer nurse could talk to them ? Try to stop being brave and bare your soul a little, start with the most compassionate child and work on them a bit.

I wish you well in your journey and I'm so grateful treatments and diagnosis is so much better these days. Live long and prosper..

BeMintSwan · 21/10/2024 19:29

When my mum had breast cancer (it was just the two of us) and I was young with important exams coming up and she was going through chemotherapy, she got a home carer from the social services. It is worth asking for outside help, even if they just put the hoover round, do the ironing or cook a meal, it all helps take the pressure off.

BogusHocusPocus · 21/10/2024 19:37

Tricho · 20/10/2024 13:43

Sit your teens down for a serious conversation, away from distractions, and make it clear that things need to change.

Tell them directly that your treatment and recovery will demand more from everyone in the household, and you won’t be able to manage everything on your own.

Be honest about how you're feeling both physically and emotionally. It’s important they understand that this isn’t just about you being tired — this is about your health and well-being, and their help is non-negotiable.

You could set clear expectations and assign specific tasks to each of them. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or walking the dog, outline exactly who’s responsible for what and when. This avoids arguments over whose turn it is. Explain that you’re not asking for their help anymore — you’re telling them it’s their responsibility as part of the family to step up.

If they resist or argue, stand firm. Let them know that there will be consequences for not pitching in — whether it’s less screen time, no access to certain privileges, or other things they value. It’s not about punishing them but making them understand that their actions (or lack of them) have real consequences on the whole family, and now is the time to act more maturely.

You might also consider explaining that by helping out, they’re showing kindness, maturity, and support, just like they do with others. Sometimes teens need to be reminded that home is where those qualities are needed most.

It’s okay to be firm, and it’s okay to enforce boundaries, especially when your health is on the line. Teens can be self-centered, but they are also capable of empathy and responsibility when those expectations are made clear. You deserve that support, and they need to understand that they’re part of a team — and right now, the team needs them to step up.

Brilliant post. X

helen32 · 21/10/2024 19:55

Have you had any contact with MacMillan at all? They can help you with things like this. They will come to your home, and help you with things like how to explain to the children. They can even talk to them with you & answer any questions. Might help make your children realise they need to step up for you & work together. Best of luck with your treatment xx

CRD67 · 21/10/2024 20:07

Get them temporarily fostered, until you're feeling better. Good luck with your treatment

SixtySomething · 21/10/2024 20:10

Is there an external person you can ask for help eg school, church, relative, doctor; is there perhaps a charity that could help you?
I'm suggesting this as I don't think it will be much fun trying to yget our teenagers to listen to you - that's speaking from my own experience in. other circumstances....

Just seen Helen's post about Macmillan. That's the kind of thing I think you need.

Teddybear23 · 21/10/2024 20:29

I’m so sorry for you, teenagers these days are so selfish and thoughtless. My son did absolutely nothing for me after I had surgery- I was upstairs in bed and I heard a lot of clattering about in the kitchen. I shouted down ‘what are you doing’ and he replied ‘making myself something to eat, why did you want something?’ He hadn’t even offered to make me a cup of tea. I was divorced from his dad so I had no other help either. I think there is a huge sense of entitlement by teenagers and young adults that we never had when we were young. I’d have done anything for my parents because I loved them; whereas it’s as if these days kids don’t care about anyone but themselves ☹️. I hope your treatment works well for you and that when you are better you can have serious words with them.

ColdWaterDipper · 21/10/2024 21:00

Tell them my children were 6 and 9 when I was diagnosed and even they managed to help out by taking care of our animals, helping their father with the farmwork, putting the washing on, washing up, making me cups of tea to puke up while I was going through 3 years of chemo….that should shame your teens into looking after you a bit more!

in seriousness I would sit down with them and spell out exactly what your next treatment is and how it might affect you, and what you need them to step up and do for the foreseeable. Teenagers can be inherently selfish (one of my boys is now almost a teen) but it’s a ‘not thinking’ sort of selfish rather than a malicious sort- they probably just haven’t realised the toll that a mastectomy, chemo, radio, endocrine therapy etc is having and will have on you.

Dibbydoos · 21/10/2024 21:21

We bring our kids up to do nothing these days (I'm guilty of it too, do not having a pop). I think it's cos we were all expected to do too much, so we've swung the pendulum too far the other way.

Just tell them your going to bed, you're ill and do just that. Leave them to it. . If you need to create a list of tasks that they need to do everyday and tell them to sort out who dies what. If something doesn't get done you won't cook tea (or whatever task you've left for you). Stick to it, don't give in, they will sort themselves out.

Sending a hug xxx

Deeperthantheocean · 21/10/2024 21:29

Big sit down, as others have said. You could also get a macmillan nurse in to help. Hearing it from an expert often makes (naturally selfish) teens to realise the reality. The dad is an arse, could say much more offensive words.