Teens been aholes while I have cancer

[thistowillpass]

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

"Is fostering an option..."

That's a joke, right, @ThinWomansBrain ?!

Hand the solution to them. At the moment they are doing the kids mode of organising- squabbling and waiting for a parent to sort it out.

Instead, give them the list of things you do and will find hard.
Tell them to come up with a plan. That they will be responsible for.

They need to take ownership of it, so they don’t squabble.

Op I’ve had the treatment you are going to have. It’s very tiring.

Teens can be so selfish at times and of course as you’ve told them you will be fine, they probably aren’t registering the impact of treatment. Sit them down, tell them you need their help... and let them know that if it isn’t forthcoming their access to wifi/mobile phones/money is going. And mean it.

Wishing you all the best for your treatment.

A relative is now in remission after BC treatment- chemo and double mastectomy. She is doing well but after 12 months is only now returning to work and feeling herself although ongoing treatment with meds takes its toll at times. You really need to prioritise your health needs for all your sakes and they need to understand fully what's going to happen to you regards treatment and recovery. It's genuinely brutal at times I sincerely wish you well.

That is often the case with teens and children, they find it difficult to orocess their parents' illnesses and would rather carry on as normal. i have seen that in a few cases, including MS, with some of the nicest kids.

Is there any way you could pay someone to give you a hand? Even once a week would help.

I am sorry you are going through this and annoyed that your children's father is not helpful. What's the matter with him? Perhaps he'll put his hand in his pocket to help in that way. You need support, not stress.

I know you are trying to protect them by saying everything will be OK, but this is life changing stuff, perhaps you haven't really explained how serious this really is. It's a long haul, even after treatment there will be follow ups possibly for years. If they think you will be fine in a short while you need to give them a wake up call. You will have to use a lot of your energy looking after you, they will have to step up.

I hope treatment goes well.

Teenagers can be some of the most thoughtless and selfish people. When I was recovering from surgery mine wouldn’t have cared less. Blow up at them if you need to. Set some new ground rules. Get a chore chart made up etc.

I know if I had a similar diagnosis I would naturally try to sugar coat it for ds, but you need their help you need to tell them, no holds barred, tears and snot and all, how scared you are, how emotionally and physically exhausting it is and how you need them to work out a way to work together as a team to support you sharing the chores between them.

Mine would respond to that, rather than me putting on a brave face.

Good luck with your treatment.

Nailed it in one. Brilliant advice.

My mum died from breast cancer when I was 14, I had older and younger sisters.
We knew she was ill, maybe not the severity of it.
Just like your children we resented being asked to do household chores (I remember thinking “why does mum care if the bathroom sink is clean” and also “God, mum never gets out of bed these days”)

Of course now I look back with tremendous guilt and shame, but the truth is, I didn’t really understand in my young brain what a serous illness was. I’d never come across one. And like all teenagers you think you’re invincible and so is everyone else.

Please,please, just explain how much you are struggling. We were never included (to protect us) so couldn’t comprehend. Let your children in, accept they might be scared, but ask them to share in the journey with you and ask for their support. Try and approach it from your feelings of suffering rather than anger and I’m certain they will understand. Especially if they are able to be nice to others

i genuinely wish you all the best and am feeling deeply for you

Echo what others are saying about sitting them down for a proper talk, more than once if necessary. Also I noticed how quick you were in your post to reassure that 'all will be good as found early'. Have you emphasized this so much with DCs that they haven't really taken in the seriousness? Have they seized on the 'it will be ok' message to avoid thinking about the scary C word? Something similar happened to me and looking back I was so keen to reassure, that some members of my family almost seemed to forget what was happening. Of course you want and need to help them manage their fears, but are you so used to being the strong, reassuring single Mum that you're not getting across your need for help and your worries?

Sorry, haven't RTFT so I'm probably repeating what everyone has said.

They're probably terrified. You're their rock, especially since you're a single parent, and the idea that you can no longer do all you usually do will be very scary to them. Being teens they're handling that badly. I feel very sorry for them, and for you too obviously.

Keep talking to them, and if you have a good prognosis keep reassuring them.

My friend had breast cancer as a lone parent of teenagers. They were dreadful. I visited one day during her treatment, and she had made a cake( makes me cry to remember) she called her 14 yr old to came and have some, and the brat demanded she bring it upstairs. I was so angry, don’t know how I held it in. She knew though, and explained she thought the child too traumatised to behave differently. Sadly her cancer came back and her children were orphaned in their early 20s. She told me that she didn’t think they were ready for adult life, and that she regretted not demanding more of them when she was first unwell.

I think the chances of cancer returning is a risk -I think it is higher than someone who hasn’t had it, you can check with your doc. And will you be on an estrogen suppressing medication afterwards? These come with side effects.
I think you need to have an honest talk with them. And that a low stress non-exhausting, positive lifestyle will help to reduce the chances of a return.
You would like to improve your chances not have them reduced.

Sit them down and have a serious chat. I was similar when my mum had cancer. I was so consumed with my own fears and life that I couldn't see passed my own selfishness. I discovered a diary of hers years later and it broke my heart hearing how she struggled at that time with no one helping her. I wish she had just told me at the time. I can never tell her I read it but I've spent the years since trying to be a better daughter

She's just starting her treatment, why do you think talking about recurrence is in any way helpful?

These are some things that helped my friend in your situation (kids slightly older though)
Despite them having all the information they didn't take it in until she started her treatment.

They went (on different occasions) to treatment and hospital appointments, that helped immensely (she asked if they'd go, they would have accepted if they didn't)

She accepted they were not going to do things her way exactly but they were being done (Eventually)

She made sure there was easy to cook food in the fridge/freezer and plenty of convenience foods, sandwich fillings etc.

Try and keep their routines as much as possible, if they go to clubs/sports etc, allow them that time.

One of her children found the helpline aimed at children/young people who are supporting parents with cancer useful.

Please don't do more than you feel able to. You need all your strength.
Sending hugs from afar 🌸

I think sometimes teenagers just don't think. My own DD used to skimp walking the dog when it was her turn, the dog she absolutely pleaded for. She wasn't enormously helpful even aged 16 when I had a hip replacement. (She's brilliant now).
If you can get the DC to step up, great but I'd also make a plan and a menu. Pre cooked, ready meals, whatever. Stick the daily menu on the fridge. Make a rota for clearing up and loading the dishwasher. And equally important, unloading it. Can a helpful relative or friend come and stay? Can the dog go and stay with someone for 6 months? Yes I know it's miserable but also one fewer thing to worry about if you can't afford a daily dog walker.
You need to look after yourself.

I think you need to get the MacMillan nurses in to sit down with them and explain the consequences of your treatment and the chances of it NOT succeeding if it’s
not allowed the chance to work. I know they’re kids but they only have one parent and at this point in time you might have to be cruel to be kind. (It’s actually kinder to be respectful and treat them like you expect them to be intelligent and mature enough to handle the ugly truths atm too.) The nurses should have someone available to help explain this in an age appropriate way. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with no support.

Also, please ask about council services you may be entitled to like help with cleaning, etc. Don’t be too proud to ask your GP/Nurses for referrals. Every little bit of help will improve your chances of a speedier recovery.

It sounds like honesty is needed here. I had BC treatment 10 years ago. I nearly died from an infection. I still have reduced energy levels. It affects us all differently but it is life changing, and there is not a guarantee of being okay.

Don’t lie to them. Leave info around, talk about how you are feeling and take it a day at a time. I hope you get the help you are going to need.

Yes, could be seen as harsh but I think reassuring the DCs has made it seem like it’s an illness about to be fixed but you are encouraged to make lifestyle changes to increase the chances of being well ,chasing around after 3teenswouldnt be ideal.

Give them all a day each week to cook. At 15+ they can all learn to cook something simple.

Jacket potato and beans for example will take minutes of their time and is delicious.

Similarly a roast chicken can be bunged in the oven and left (maybe a Nando’s sauce rubbed over it) - they can serve it with microwave mashed potatoes and frozen peas. Easy peas-y.

On Friday they all put their uniforms in the washing machine and one of them is responsible for washing and hanging/drying them.

I think there's a chance that fear is playing a bit of a part here. They may feel anxious, scared themselves about the future despite your reassurances and in some way this is causing them to 'act out' more i.e. they don't want mum to be less able or more tired because that is the reality of the illness/ treatment and they are sort of in denial about it. Doing more means acknowledging that you are ill and this might be scary for them . I feel I'm not explaining it particularly well but others might find better words. I hope your treatment goes well OP.

Walk the dog yourself as you can walk to a pub and have a drink/walk to a coffee shop

But stop doing lifts and food and laundry

Fuck 'em

She starts her post with, "I am a lone parent". Why ask this question?