Page 6 | Teens been aholes while I have cancer

DisabledDemon · 21/10/2024 22:28

My goodness me, they'd be given a right old wallop round the chops. Why is anyone asking? What vile little brats.

Aslan007 · 21/10/2024 22:33

If that was me I’d be playing the proper death bed game with them to scare them into submission. If that fails then they truly are a-holes and should be sent packing off to the master A-hole ( their dad). Cancer isn’t something you take lightly no matter how soon you managed to catch it. Things could always go wrong. I would be putting myself first for once and getting rid of anything that causes me stress. Sometimes you just have to be selfish coz at the end of the day kids will move out and have their own lives. One day these same people will be sending you packing to the old age home!! So do what’s good for you and your mental health.

Feministamum · 21/10/2024 23:18

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through, I was also a lone parent of three children in their teens who weren't much help when I was exhausted from working and studying. It is a very stressful situation for you and your family but yes, I think they are just being teens. Can you get any Macmillan Nurse support, could they make a referral to social services to get you some home care help if needed. And if any of your friends have read your post I hope they will rally round and help you. 🌸

Troymaiden · 21/10/2024 23:31

Thinking of you as you go through radiotherapy. It IS tough and you possibly will need help even getting to & from the hospital by the end of your treatment. Your kids are, as previous posters have said, probably terrified, I know mine (15 & 18) were but lots of reassurance and even talking to your breast care nurse may help them.
FYI I'm now 14 years no evidence of disease (ned) and have friends that are 30 yrs plus the same.

Politygal · 21/10/2024 23:39

Of course you are scared, worried, and do not feel 100 percent. It's a dreadful shock to the system and I don't just mean the treatment. As another poster has suggested, you need a serious talk with them and their dad.

Of course, they may be scared too but are being brave and thinking you just want to carry on as before. But you can't.

Have a serious talk, but say that you need their help to get better by helping you through the treatment. Then you do what you need to do. Rest. Make sure you get some enjoyment. Eat proper food. Sleep as well as you can.

Let them cook and clean.

Good luck, and if anyone else needs support there is the charity Breast Cancer Now, and the work of Dr Liz O'Riordan on YouTube.

oldmoaner · 22/10/2024 10:30

They could be scared but on the other hand if you told them youll be ok maybe they just dont consider it serious, "moms got cancer but she's going to be ok, so it dosnt affect us". Sit them down and explain, you SHOULD be ok, but to get through the treatment your going to need help, starting NOW. Explain your whole body is affected and tired and you cant cope on your own, you need their help, so that you can cope. Have you got a friend that could maybe talk to them, and explain they need to shoulder some responsibility, and help you through this?
I hope all goes well with your treatment and that kids do turn round and and say, we're here to help you mom, we just wern't thinking. (Which sometimes they dont, ignore it and it goes away, but explain it won't go away without their help)

dalecooper · 22/10/2024 14:25

My Mum had breast cancer when I was 17 (I’m late 40s now) and had major surgery. She survived it thankfully. However there were times when I was a grumpy, moody, inarticulate brat. This was mainly due to the awkwardness of not knowing how to act as I did not feel completely clear about what was going on. My parents had the habit of telling half the story and you had to fill in the blanks yourself. I was unsure and frightened and in the dark. I was being told to act a certain way and not to say certain things etc but I felt annoyed that no one was asking how I was coping and if I was ok. That may sound selfish but I was young and still needed reassurance and taking care of.

Maybe they are in denial or maybe they don’t understand the seriousness of what is happening. I would have appreciated someone being honest and open with me and allowing me to vocalise my feelings too.

I don’t know if this applies to them.

Do look after yourself and ask for help when and as you need it.

laraitopbanana · 22/10/2024 18:56

Hi op,

I am sorry for what you are going through. It is tough and to have to care for three assholes while living a stressful situation would, absolutely would make everyone boil.

Tbh if no chores were given before, I am not sure it is the best to start that now. Will kind give them the feeling that you prep them if you aren’t there because you might not be there for real… so I wouldn’t start now…no.

is there anyway that you can have a cleaner? Is anyone not knowing of a charity that helps family for practical things during these specific situations?

Good luck 🌺

TheMamaYo · 24/10/2024 16:15

CRD67 · 21/10/2024 20:07

Get them temporarily fostered, until you're feeling better. Good luck with your treatment

🍪

Househusband123 · 25/10/2024 06:24

Sit them down and tell them how you feel and that you need help. Tell them that they have a month to step up and that you will be meeting with them in a month to review.

If they don't improve in that month sit them down and give them a rota of jobs. If they don't stick to the rota and be more understanding they will be looking for alternative accommodation as soon as you are no longer legally responsible for them.

GLVF · 26/10/2024 18:34

@Tricho Articulate, perfect, well-balanced response. I salute you!

PuckishTurn · 26/10/2024 18:48

If your teens aren't doing their own laundry, preparing their own meals, dividing up chores with a rota that they draw up (and you sign off on) and generally planning how they will support their mother, then they're failing you. Harsh, but true, don't children love their parents any more?!? Its pure luck that you're not more seriously ill and they don't seem to realise that. Children lose parents every day and your teens clearly have no idea how good they've had it. They do sound like selfish, lazy ingrates (sorry). But being a teenager is no excuse. Both my parents were in the army and I was making meals from the age of five, and looking after a younger sibling (who I hated but looked after anyway), ironing and doing laundry from the age of eight. If they're physically big enough to look after themselves, they should be. As human beings they should want to prioritise looking after their mother. They should be looking after you too, you have cancer treatment to go through and that is huge. Agree that the dog should be rehomed if they can't feed and care for it, its kinder for the dog to go to people who care enough to be responsible and loving. The school should know about your situation, just in case, but teens aren't imbeciles, they should be booking themselves in with the school counsellor. Your kids aren't babies. Tell them what you expect of them, starting with their plan to take care of themselves and you. Tell them that you're proud of them and know they can handle this. Then arrange a regular check-in dinner meeting to review plans, answer questions, share feelings etc. If you still try to 'parent on demand' it's going to be too hard for you. Best of luck with your treatment, preserve your energy as the effects of treatment are cumulative. Take care of you, sending love and support.

Jenkibubble · 26/10/2024 19:24

thistowillpass · 20/10/2024 13:38

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

Im
sorry to hear this - I have 2 teens (Co parent ) with their dad .
They are self centred (I’ve struggled with health issues and they give zero cares ) I
challenge them and they change / up their game for a day and that’s it !
Bo other family near either !
Are you able to perhaps get some external help (if can afford ) eg someone to walk the dog when you are going through treatment !
Make things easy for yourself - get food delivered / lower your standards eg cooking / housework
All the best x

Edwardo73 · 26/10/2024 19:31

thistowillpass · 20/10/2024 13:38

Hi I am a lone parent with 3 teen all 15 + - I have breast cancer and will be starting treatment - radiotherapy soon and all will be good as found early ( please check yourselves). My issue is the lack of care and help they show about giving me a hand around the house - I am tired sore and scared and I know likely to be more fatigued with treatment but it's a battle to get them to do anything cooking cleaning up after themselves - I have just asked for someone to walk the dog and they all started arguing why it's not there turn. There Dad is no support and I so fed up - currently sitting in my car to avoid blowing up at them- they are the kindness kids to others but it's all about them at the moment - any ideas or am I just going to have to sit in my car and sweat alot as teens are pxxxks

Try disappearing for a bit to spook them into realising that would be their lives if you can’t plough all your energy into recovery.

Hopelessinhomecounties · 26/10/2024 20:21

For tasks - I find with mine that talking to them is a waste of time. I write down a list of stuff I need doing as fact.
if they do it great if they don’t do it, I don’t find them: give them lifts etc. quid pro quo:
it’s sounds terrible but I find when it’s about tasks that need doing the less emotion and more short clear facts the less resistance.
eg there’s these 10 tasks that need to be done. I expect them to be done as I’m doing x,y,z. Please get them done.
emotional support is distance and different. And I would treat it differently.
But also say as little but be as transparent as possible just ‘this is a really difficult time for me, so please be aware I’m not myself and am scared’

dpbarbie9 · 26/10/2024 20:41

im really sorry to hear you have cancer, i hope you get better soon xxx

Pherian · 26/10/2024 20:41

I have two teenage step sons. The problem is you’re asking them to do things. What you need to do is tell them to do it and lay out what happens if they don’t.

I assume they want to go out with friends, play video games and have screen time. Those are all privileges and not needs and they can be given and taken depending on behaviour.

Start setting boundaries and expectations and penalties . Set up a schedule of chores and tell them they will do them.

pineapplesundae · 26/10/2024 21:18

Prepare a daily todo list for each of them then go do your thing, whatever that is. The list should say when these things are to be completed. You can make three lists and rotate them as needed. Don’t argue with them. When the chore list is done, spend some quality time as a family! Best of luck to you.

Dipperang · 26/10/2024 21:47

I toohave been through this last year one daughter at university was very empathetic as she wasn’t living at home. I think she found it slightly easier. The 17-year-old wasn’t great. I think like a lot of people have said ….its their way of coping by sticking their head in the sand. I wish I’d be more open and honest with how I was feeling with her lack of empathy, but I just didn’t have the energy to battle it out . They will soon realise you can’t do things for them like you could before your treatment. Hopefully they step up good luck with everything

SySy7 · 26/10/2024 22:41

I’m sorry to hear your news and you must be feeling incredibly lonely in your house with unhelpful and unsupportive children around. I would sit them down and clearly delegate their chores and explain that soon you won’t be well enough to do them and if they don’t then it won’t get done. That includes washing, cooking etc.
They need to step up and it’s going to mean them growing up more quickly from this experience too. They are entitled to be scared as you are. Inform the school to make sure they are getting the correct support and then most importantly focus on you. Rest will aid your recovery. So will less stress. They’ll soon realise that this is sadly happening to all of them not just you. I’d shy away from trying to protect them even though it’s instinctive. It’s time to be selfish. I hope you make a speedy recovery x

Pclou45 · 27/10/2024 07:14

Dotto · 20/10/2024 14:20

Older teens bickering over who takes the dog out isn't giving me 'poor traumatised children' vibes, tbh.

It's easier to fight over the small things when the big things are too scary to acknowledge.

Tomorrowisyesterday · 27/10/2024 09:53

Edwardo73 · 26/10/2024 19:31

Try disappearing for a bit to spook them into realising that would be their lives if you can’t plough all your energy into recovery.

Show quote history

I think that's an awful idea

Slartibartslow · 27/10/2024 10:15

Tricho · 20/10/2024 13:43

Sit your teens down for a serious conversation, away from distractions, and make it clear that things need to change.

Tell them directly that your treatment and recovery will demand more from everyone in the household, and you won’t be able to manage everything on your own.

Be honest about how you're feeling both physically and emotionally. It’s important they understand that this isn’t just about you being tired — this is about your health and well-being, and their help is non-negotiable.

You could set clear expectations and assign specific tasks to each of them. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or walking the dog, outline exactly who’s responsible for what and when. This avoids arguments over whose turn it is. Explain that you’re not asking for their help anymore — you’re telling them it’s their responsibility as part of the family to step up.

If they resist or argue, stand firm. Let them know that there will be consequences for not pitching in — whether it’s less screen time, no access to certain privileges, or other things they value. It’s not about punishing them but making them understand that their actions (or lack of them) have real consequences on the whole family, and now is the time to act more maturely.

You might also consider explaining that by helping out, they’re showing kindness, maturity, and support, just like they do with others. Sometimes teens need to be reminded that home is where those qualities are needed most.

It’s okay to be firm, and it’s okay to enforce boundaries, especially when your health is on the line. Teens can be self-centered, but they are also capable of empathy and responsibility when those expectations are made clear. You deserve that support, and they need to understand that they’re part of a team — and right now, the team needs them to step up.

I was going to respond but I can’t do better than this, it says it all.
Sometimes by being A star parents and catering to all the needs of our little darlings we end up with D minus kids who are selfish and entitled. They usually grow out of it when they grow up.

BusyMum47 · 27/10/2024 10:38

Tricho · 20/10/2024 13:43

Sit your teens down for a serious conversation, away from distractions, and make it clear that things need to change.

Tell them directly that your treatment and recovery will demand more from everyone in the household, and you won’t be able to manage everything on your own.

Be honest about how you're feeling both physically and emotionally. It’s important they understand that this isn’t just about you being tired — this is about your health and well-being, and their help is non-negotiable.

You could set clear expectations and assign specific tasks to each of them. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, or walking the dog, outline exactly who’s responsible for what and when. This avoids arguments over whose turn it is. Explain that you’re not asking for their help anymore — you’re telling them it’s their responsibility as part of the family to step up.

If they resist or argue, stand firm. Let them know that there will be consequences for not pitching in — whether it’s less screen time, no access to certain privileges, or other things they value. It’s not about punishing them but making them understand that their actions (or lack of them) have real consequences on the whole family, and now is the time to act more maturely.

You might also consider explaining that by helping out, they’re showing kindness, maturity, and support, just like they do with others. Sometimes teens need to be reminded that home is where those qualities are needed most.

It’s okay to be firm, and it’s okay to enforce boundaries, especially when your health is on the line. Teens can be self-centered, but they are also capable of empathy and responsibility when those expectations are made clear. You deserve that support, and they need to understand that they’re part of a team — and right now, the team needs them to step up.

Absolutely this! ⬆️💗

BusyMum47 · 27/10/2024 10:48

@thistowillpass Just seen that you've already spoken to them yourself & so has your friend. In that case, I'd be bloody furious if I was you! If they're all over 15yrs old, they're definitely all old enough to 'get it' & step up. I'd have a very harsh conversation with them - call them the selfish little twats that they're being & if nothing changes, I'd be tempted to just focus 100% on yourself & your needs & leave them to bloody fester - no shopping or cooking for them, no doing their laundry, etc. (Ask your mum/sister/friend to help with the dog.)