This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

No, one married someone who can pay for it all and the other one married badly and just someone who pays for a million pound house, all the bills and food BUT NOT city breaks and massages.

If it is affecting their kids that is the fault of their mother and grandparents. If this thread is true then both you and your sister have been lucky enough to find partners that love you so much they are willing to put up with all this financial crap from your parents
Maybe it's time you both realised that and told your parents to butt out

My DH has said that if she gets divorced in the future and if she needs help it he'll get her a property, etc. When all is said and done, he/we could hardly see her go homeless, in reality. Who else will help her? If she was a single mum, he would put money aside for her kids and help them
in their way. The point is a she is not a single mum as things stand. She had a husband of her own!

Hopefully l, it won't come to a whole house though as she will get something from the divorce surely. Unless he has hidden money or something like that? The problem is, she doesn't even know the extent of her own family's assets. This is the problem. Or she may stay with her DH anyway.

Your family think your DH is a bottomless pit. If she gets a settlement she will expect to bank that and your DH buy her a house.

You will also be expected to be the bank forever and ever: shut this down now.

Why do you want to mollycoddle her? Why can’t she stand on her own two feet? I’m a little baffled.

People who are spoilt and take advantage of others will never get enough. They will always not appreciate what they do get, and expect more.

The best favour you can do here is is to cut her off and hint that your DH would
not be able to afford to buy her a house (investments maturing in a start up or in ten years or something) but could help her with a deposit. That would need to be paid back when it’s sold.

She is acting like this because you are the gatekeeper of a fortune that could make her life easier and she wants it.

Why should he pay them? It was their choice to spend the money, he didn't ask for it, didn't want it, why should he pay for it. Just because someone can afford something doesn't mean they have to pay for it. Her parents and your relative made that financial choice, not him. He's not responsible for her taking that money, she and only she is. It's not his fault they made a stupid financial decision.

I genuinely don't think she 'expects' a huge pay-out from me (in the event of a divorce). What I have found in my family though, is that when you try to help people out, they turn it against you. It's like a constant guilt-trip. Nothing you can do or give them is ever going to be taken in the spirit you intended. It becomes like an entitlement. Its sad and confusing, but true. I realised this a few years ago and took a big step back.

The point is a she is not a single mum as things stand. She had a husband of her own!

Who is paying their mortgage and all the bills!

Your family all seem to be acting like he is useless and she needs rescuing! She needs her sister’s husband to buy her a house and pay for her kids-really?!

What she needs is a reality check! She needs to stop whinging about not having enough spending money, stop sponging off her relatives and get a full time job!

It becomes like an entitlement

Like your sister, do you mean? You and your husband need to stop feeding it then!?

If your husband was my son then I would be encouraging and supporting him to divorce you. He is supposed to be your partner loving, caring and supporting you and your DC not your entire family.

So your sister is the golden child who can do no wrong and manipulates your parents into giving her money they can't afford and everyone has to buy into the narrative that she's misunderstood and abused. I have a brother who happily bled our parents dry, thinks he's entitled to others money and shouldn't have to pay his way and is always poor me. He is entitled and selfish, just like your sister. Eta: the thing about your husband being expected to save for a house for her is nuts and CFery at its highest. There are serious issues with how your family treats her and these situations, it's really messed up.

It’s a power imbalance. You know that you are being generous but all they see is that you still have so much more so why not this, why not that and why not spread the wealth.

It must be very common as those taking handouts love the money but hate having to feel grateful, so blame you for making them feel that way and therefore inferior.

I do think you need counselling. Your family are quite toxic and have taken your good fortune as a meal ticket for all of them and feel resentful they have to struggle when you and your DH could wave a magic wand.

The narrative is that my DSis can do no wrong, yes. With me it's the opposite, but I'm past caring. I stopped playing that game years ago. I just meet with them now without DH (mostly) because I'm not subjecting him to the madness. I don't like their attitude towards him.

Armchair psychologist here but sounds like you are the scapegoat, she’s the golden child and your dad is a narcissist?

It's a bit like that Purplethursdays123.
I'm not sure if my dad is a narcissist or what criteria that would entail. He is certainly complicated, he has a very strange 'read' on many things. Basically, he decides what he wants to think snd that's that. He projects a lot. Regardless of actual facts. And he is NEVER WRONG.

So what if she can't earn enough, the absolute least she can do is work full time and contribute what she can. The way your family treat your DH is horrible and you're allowing that. So much for your sisters DH being an abusive bully, your sister is the one manipulating, bullying and financially abusing people.

Your OP says she is your friend but your later posts indicate she is your sister - is that right?

Even if so why do your parents think your husband rather than hers should help her out financially? I just don't follow! Is there a cultural factor as in the eldest son in the family is supposed to financially support the parents and adult siblings?

As for financial abuse, I'm not sure this is what it looks like. All the essentials are covered and she gets to keep her salary. She can always say no to the extra stuff her kids ask for, tell them to ask Dad! She seems very passive, just waiting for you to pick up the tab and "looking like a rabbit in the headlights" when you ask a perfectly reasonable question. If the financial arrangements didn't suit her and she wanted a one pot arrangement, she should not have agreed to be a SAHM.

Why doesn't she get a divorce and bag half the assets? I suspect it's because she actually quite likes having a big house and no bills!

I suspect it's because she actually quite likes having a big house and no bills!

Yes, I suspect there will be no divorce pushed for by her. He might decide to divorce her for being an entitled princess though, I guess. Then she will undoubtedly have a lot less than £1000 a month for her pocket money.

I suspect she might divorce him, but not yet.

Why would he be open and transparent with ILs like that? He's better off as far away from the toxicity as he can get. Your families entitled views on money aren't normal. Most people know they need to work and expect to support themselves. No one expects their BIL or SIL to pay off their house, that's ridiculously entitled.

It's about proportionality though. If a low income family doesn't have £1000 to spare on clubs/ clothes / food / petrol I'd understand the lack of money she gets.

For me it seems Friend dh has a significantly higher income for then to be living in se and in a £1 mil house suggests they aren't hand to mouth each month. So there is income there she just doesn't see enough of it to subsidise their living standard which he should be funding to a certain limit. I.e. petrol, food , clothes are staples he should be providing for not seen as something she need as struggle to pay whilst he lives comfortably.

The fact she asks elderly relatives doesn't immediately say CF to me but more concern on why she can't ask her dh for money or discuss finances with him without fear. If she's a spendthrift and dh cut her off then understandable but they still need to be able to discuss finances without fear with each other.

Copied from a website:

Signs of a father with narcissistic personality disorder
There are several traits a father with narcissistic personality disorder might exhibit, including:

• A pervasive pattern of grandiose behavior or fantasies
• Reacting to criticism with shame, rage, or humiliation
• Constant need for extreme attention
• Unrealistic need for admiration & appreciation
• Being overly envious to the point of anger
• Showing signs of being preoccupied with success or power
• Disregard of others’ personal boundaries
• Self-admiration to the point of arrogance
• Blatant lack of empathy for others
• False sense of entitlement

In general, people with narcissistic personality disorder aren’t overly concerned about you. They are more likely to focus on what you can do for them and the fastest way they can get you to do it.

Very hard done by. I am open to the future possibilities though if I can get one of my DC to marry the right sort. Wondering if I can push for a home with a pool, surely that's not too much to ask....

If she gets divorced, she would get half the house and half the savings, why would she need your husband to input at all? Do you really not know this? It seems like you and your sister are living in an alternative universe. If she gets divorced, she will have lots of money to buy s small property, that is the actual law. What did you think would happen?

@Purplethursdays123

I am actually cooking for both my sisters and BILs tonight. I will be asking both of them for a contribution to a house. 😂