This marriage is financial abuse - AIBU?

[catstaff47]

This is about a friend. I think she is being financially abused by her DH. I will try to give the facts as she described it -

1. He earns about £120k she earns about £12k (working p/t to be around for teens).

2. He pays the mortgage and bills. There is a food shopping account into which he puts about £150 per week (for 4 people and several pets).

3. Apart from this, she lives off the £1k per month she earns - even though she buys a lot of the kids stuff out of this as well because he will not.

4. She has no idea how much money he has saved or where and he will not tell her!

5. If she runs out of money in a given month, she will take / borrow from other people rather than just ask him - her own husband!

That's about it.

I could not imagine living like this and don't know how she has accepted it for so long. To me she has been somehow conditioned to think it's ok. I have told her this (gently), but I don't think she will do anything about it or leave him. Plus I think he must be beyond help to even do this in the first place.

AIBU and what would you say to her?

People who think anyone should pay off anyone’s mortgages are insane. Even their own children.

Has your sister ever had a job or has she always been supported by her husband?

I’m sorry, I’m sure you love her but if she’s making you pay for everything she is very resentful and things she deserves what you have, and don’t get me started on buying her a house!!!!

If this was made up BS, I would be bored by now. This is how it is in my family. Why would I make this up for nothing. What would br the point. People's families are weird. Ours is one of them - clearly!

Not all families.

Your parents sound highly manipulative. Clearly the apple didn’t land far from the tree with your sister. I’m surprised they didn’t tell you (or your husband) to give your sister large sums of money and pay for her holiday.

They sound utterly toxic, I would see as little of them as possible.

They are holding her husband to the impossible example yours has set.

it’s not fair on you to feel responsible that she has not got the same amount of money - this is life.

There clearly is an issue though if you are that comfortable and you resent paying for lunches, which presumably you don’t have to worry about financially. And things all driven by the inequality between you.

Sad state of affairs really that you cannot enjoy your privileged position without being dragged down or made to feel guilty. (Sounds sarcastic but isn’t)

Your family has a completely bizarre financial dynamic-yes, I would say that was very unusual and sounds really toxic.

Yet your whole post is about how horrid your sister’s husband (who pays for all of their household expenses) is, because he won’t give her more money!

I think the main takeaway here is that:

Her husband might be un-generous, but I’d lean to her being economical with the truth to continue to be able to live for free.

Your parents are very upset that your are well off and she has to work.

They cannot afford to even things up so have some to the bizarre conclusion that someone who isn’t related to them by blood, who owes them nothing, should make the sort of gift that is only appropriate for a parent to child.

The enabling has to stop. Stop meeting her anywhere at meal times or where you can spend money. Keep the line that if she wants more money, she can work more hours.

Your sister is incredibly spoilt and manipulative.

Your family that expects your husband to fund the life of another child of theirs is not just “weird” OP. It’s abusive, exploitative. It baffles me that you’re so concerned about this person who has more than enough money and a spending problem rather than your own husband who is expected to take care of everyone financially.

If you want to think about financial abuse and exploitation, start by looking under your own roof.

Her husband might be un-generous, but I’d lean to her being economical with the truth to continue to be able to live for free.

Yep!!

It is all quite toxic to be perfectly honest. It's been going on years. My parents don't like my DH either because they think he should pay off their mortgage (well, my dad thinks that). As if we don't have enough going on with our own lives. Anyway, it's a lot to explain in words. A lot is water under the bridge now - I have to let go and move forwards. Life is too short. I was just wondering if she is actually being financially abused at this point.

There’s a lot of jealousy and resentment towards you both and that’s the issue.

They are complaining about money to you as they want you to pay for it all. Very clear now.

Changed my mind; your parents are the issue.

The person being financially abused here is your DH

What a family

Why the fuck would they leave everything to her in the will! She has you all massively under her thumb. This is an insane narrative!

Based on your last few posts I wonder if her DH is playing his cards close to his chest to prevent your family treating him as the cash cow they seem to think your DH is.

I wonder what the conversation would be if the 2 DHs had a chat.

I’ve always said that having money doesn’t solve all your problems it just brings it’s own new set of problems.

I worked for extraordinarily rich people for a long while and they struggled to
maintain friendships with those in a different league as one months spending would solve all their friends problems and the friends end up being resentful. Real shame, and why birds of a feather flock together.

No, I don’t think she is.

I think your parents have such bizarre and entitled views about other people’s money that this has rubbed off on your sister. I feel quite sorry for her husband now-being surrounded by all this and being accused of being tight, whilst simultaneously paying for virtually everything.

You're far too invested about your friend's family finances.

If she wants more money, she needs to get a full time job and stop making excuses or making him/the kids the reason why she can't. Same as millions of single mothers have had to do their whole lives. She needs to be able to have some dignity and self-respect instead of complaining her pocket money isn't enough.

Where did the narrative come from that your sister's DH will refuse to fund his children through uni? Is this pure speculation? What a massive piece of conjecture!

Basically, my mum is fine. But the rest of them are a shame really.

I do think her DH should stop being so petty about this account and that account and just be open and transparent and be done with it.,It all seems like such a waste of energy and stress, but for what? Nothing, and its affecting their kids.

If he’s bad OP, she is worse.

You probably need counselling as everyone has told you what the problem is and second to last now is her DH.

I think this is probably it.
His DH hasn't paid for a drink for anybody for ages because your parents would immediately have their hands out for anything and everything. Like they do with you.
So he has avoided all that by keeping his money to himself and keeping himself out of your parents' grasp.

OP if your DH has any sense he will get the fuck away from you and your family.

I mean seriously he’s expected to buy her a house/fund her? Fuck that. And if your response isn’t anything but “fuck off” to your parents then he should LTB and leave you all to it.

I don't know - maybe it's time for counselling!

Apprently both sisters are married with well to do men who pay for it all and they want just the life of Riley , spa resorts, Europe city breaks and private massagists

Anyone else feeling hard done by that their sibling didn’t marry someone who could buy them a house?

Time for group text for the new baseline for in-laws.

I’ve only read op’s posts but this is a right mess. I think you and your sister both need support to understand the view of money you have grown up with - it appears some magical man is expected to come along and sort it all out from what your parents have said. It’s not pride and prejudice times though is it 😁 Your sister’s marriage sounds awful from the lack of sharing finances, the moods etc but she can only sort that out herself I am afraid. I would be distancing myself from the lot of them tbh, especially for your husband’s sake. Or if you are really that worried, maybe you can get a job and sub your parents and your sister instead?