To envy women who found good male partners?

[nanomint]

I know not every woman who is married has a good relationship and that its definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship or marriage but there are women with good men and good marriages where they are supported, looked after or at least have the burden of life and all that comes with that shared.

Life just feels so hard on my own, I've been badly let down by men and not had good experiences on the dating apps getting used and ghosted. I do have friends but most are married and have families. Feel like I am aging rapidly and I'll never be loved.

I'm not a bad person and I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out? Sorry ignore me, its just facing another Saturday night alone and fed up with it all.

I'm single too and don't see it changing. I don't mind though as I like my own space and the peace. I don't envy anyone in relationships though, we only see them on the surface and chances are it's not as rosy as it looks. Lying, cheating, control etc is rife.

"Good partners" are a myth, objectively-speaking. Happy relationships are ones where both partners are compatible. Think of it like two jigsaw pieces, they are not identical and only fit together one way. If both pieces are right for each other they work as a unit. If they're not, they won't be a good fit. You could try to force them into place but the result won't look very good and may cause permanent damage to one or both pieces.

@Tink3rbell30 I do see what you are saying and yes I say that too myself all the time as well that it might look good but women could be putting up with cheating and abuse but that certainly not true in every case and while its comforting to think that I know that there are many women who are happy and loved and its those women I envy.

I have a wonderful husband and a great marriage but I wouldn’t describe myself as beautiful. I’m just very very lucky. My relationship still needs work though, no relationship is perfect.

@Dotjones Well I'm not suggesting I want to actually run off with any other woman's husband. I just envy what they have and wish I could have it for myself. I do think that some men are "good partners" they are securely attached, honest and conscientious, they had good role models in their parents and inherited relationship skills. Men like that are more likely to be good partners and often more relationship minded.

My jigsaw fitted perfectly or so I thought until my H started working overseas and threw a grande in the family unit. I'm now very sceptical of anyone claiming to have that perfect jigsaw piece partner after what I've been through. Can you tell I'm a tad angry today 😆

Enjoy your freedom, really cherish it. There are not many women in relationships who have never envied single people. It’s much easier to build a life you love when you’re living it entirely on your own terms. Sooner or later the menopause will help you realise what a lucky escape you’ve had! It’s quite shocking to look back at what we are prepared to put up with when our reproductive hormones are running the show.

@rockingbird Sorry to hear you've been treated like this.

@FistMyBump Are you in a relationship yourself, I often here this from women who are safely ensconced in happy relationships they say this but they could leave but the truth is they are happy where they are.

I do have a good partner. And I don't think he and I are in anyway jigsaw pieces. I think I was super lucky to meet him before someone else did so I agree some men (and some women) are just objectively good people.
I'm sorry you haven't met yours yet. It does seem to be tougher the older you get but not impossible. It's hard to know if it's better to not search or to put some effort in- I have friends who have met their partners in their 40s when searching. And some who have met their second (better) partners in their 60s with no searching.
But I have no advice I'm sorry. I hope you find your contentment in life with or without someone.

Very few people get everything out of life that they had hoped for. You should not hope for or depend on a man to make your life whole. Just read the boards here to see how much pain relationships and family life can bring!

Find friends that are on the same wavelength as you and cherish them. You don't have to sit home alone on a Saturday night. And even if you do, you can find something rewarding to occupy your time.

I think a HUGE amount of this is down to sheer luck. The luck of actually finding a compatible partner amongst all the would-be partners out there.

I also feel that women only have one chance to get it right. The first time with the father of their children.

I don't know any women whose initial relationship with the father of her children has broken down who has then gone on to have a fabulous relationship with someone else.

So to summarise again, a woman has to

1. be lucky
2. get it right the first time.

Edited to add that it's nothing to do with looks, otherwise beautiful people would all be happy.

I’m short and fat, it’s not just looks, it’s connection. We have been through ups and downs and really hard times partly because we both had messed up parenting in different ways. We both had to work at it, both have had therapy etc. But he’s a fundamentally decent kind man.

But I think finding someone genuine, well intentioned and not selfish does seem quite hard sometimes. I have some amazing women in my family (smart, attractive etc etc) who just never found anyone (there is nothing “wrong” with them me). It’s probably not you OP, most women in my experience are much more appealing than most men.

I am happy and loved but I’ve had really awful previous relationships (DV). It was sheer luck stumbling over my DH.

I'm in the same boat as you Op, met loser after loser, let down after let down. The last 8 months wasted so much time chatting to men online and not met up with a single one, ghosting, letting down, cancelling last minute, you name it. Destined to be alone I think

@Carsarelife Thanks for posting, although I'm not thrilled you are in the same position as me it makes me feel a little less alone.

Absolutely not! I’m single for life and quite evangelical about it. I recommend this podcast episode to anyone interested in the topic:

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m0022cdk?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

I attract the ones who are desperate to have me. They’ll make all the effort in the world and then I’ll find out they have been caught on dating apps or have a secret girlfriend. I instantly end it but this has been the pattern.

Over the past year or so I have found it hard to even give men a second of my time and learnt to enjoy my peace. I can’t trust them.

Edit to add. These pathetic men that act single to pursue other women probably look like they have the perfect relationship to people they know. I’m probably cynical but I don’t believe a lot of what is portrayed

@Chowtime I think there is a lot of truth in what you say, I also think the best guys probably pair up early and stay paired up and if you aren't lucky enough to end up with a good one when you are younger you'll always be on the back foot dealing with the peter pans, the abusers, the players, the addicts and so on hoping to meet the very rare good man who becomes available again.

Ah ok sorry for making that assumption, just heard it so often from loved up women.

I feel for you, OP. I think all you can do is keep putting yourself out there while also having high standards and strong boundaries and hope for the best.

I do think the luck comes in when people meet their partners in that mid-late twenties sweet spot. When I used to hear people lament that dating was a nightmare in 30s and 40s and that they felt they had to ‘settle’, I used to think that was complete rubbish, but now that I’m older I can more plainly see that the dating pool of decent men is very small once you’re past your very early 30s. Not many women getting rid of their loving, faithful and reliable husbands/partners – only the shit ones are released back into the world.

Yes the good ones get snapped up which is why it makes sense to get married in your 20's, as good women don't divorce good men. Why would they?

My first husband and father of my DC was a horrible abusive arsehole and I divorced him. I went on to meet my now husband who is wonderful. We have been together for 35 years and I wouldn’t swap him for anything, so it doesn’t have to be ‘get it right first time’
I hope someone wonderful comes along for you OP

I was talking about people I know. I don't know you.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way OP.

I agree with PPs that it is just luck. I’ve known my DH since I was a child. We got together when I was 20 and he was 23 and we’re still together 26 years later. I don’t believe in ‘the one’ - I think it would be an incredible coincidence that I found my ‘one’ only a mile from my house.

I think we had a very similar childhood, even as far as being in the same school with the same teachers and knowing the same people- lots of mutual friends, and our parents had mutual friends with each other. That shared history makes everything feel that much easier I think. And then the rest has just been luck. Most of us change as people over our lives, and DH and I have been lucky enough to change in the same direction.

I do hope you meet someone lovely, perhaps when you’re least expecting it. Or if not, that you can make your peace with being single. 💐

This is very true. Though some people do find happiness with someone else, the problem is that a shitty co-parent can make things very difficult.

Also agree that it’s nothing to do with looks. They can actually be a barrier - I think men are more likely to choose a partner based on their looks rather than compatibility, but then both parties can end up disappointed as a result long term.

I had long marriage to a good man. He was supportive, but it didn't happened by magic, I had to ask for what was needed and gave a similar amount back. At times it was hard work.

I miss him sometimes, but on balance I think even though I would never have changed things if he hadn't died, and I believed myself to be very happy, life is more comfortable, easier and often more fulfilling single.