To envy women who found good male partners?

[nanomint]

I know not every woman who is married has a good relationship and that its definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship or marriage but there are women with good men and good marriages where they are supported, looked after or at least have the burden of life and all that comes with that shared.

Life just feels so hard on my own, I've been badly let down by men and not had good experiences on the dating apps getting used and ghosted. I do have friends but most are married and have families. Feel like I am aging rapidly and I'll never be loved.

I'm not a bad person and I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out? Sorry ignore me, its just facing another Saturday night alone and fed up with it all.

Fwiw the women I know who are in happy relationships are not particularly attractive, and I know quite a few stunning( and nice) women who have had or have awful relationships with dire men. There's no connection to looks imo.

@ those short women who like tall men, it’s biology ;)

If you do meet someone, I want to give you some advice I’m going to be giving my own daughter; I think people whose parents have/ had a good relationship are much, much more likely to be a good partner. I think they get a sort of blueprint for how to build a successful relationship that the rest of us don’t. You should always try to meet the family and get an idea whether they have good relationships or are dysfunctional. People from dysfunctional backgrounds should try to avoid teaming up with someone else from a dysfunctional background. It often (but obviously not always) ends badly. The best qualities a potential partner can have imo are kindness and patience and stability. I have to also say that through my life I’ve formed the opinion that many men act one way until they “get” you, and once that happens they act completely differently. It makes it very difficult to judge if they are going to be a good partner long term. Avoid any man who compartmentalises the different aspects/ people in his life.

Good men don’t exist

I know that isn't true although it can feel that way, feelings aren't facts.

I take it you don't have sons? My adult dss are extremely good men as is dh.

Stay away from the bad boys was always good advice.

I don't agree.
I think it would be great and ideal to get it right the first time but there are plenty of mothers (and fathers) in successful, and often more fulfilling, second relationships also.

do you financially or practically invest in your appearance? Are you confident with a high self worth?

Anyone who’s a celebrity has spent a great deal of time, money and/or effort to have the image they have now. They don’t roll out of bed looking glamorous and attractive.

And attractiveness is very subjective, which is why believing you are appealing, and carrying yourself in such a way, will make others believe it too.

Being not considered attractive for the times you exist in, or not believing yourself to be, will put a label on your head.

Ultimately, with unlimited funds most people could present as desirable. The truly wealthy don’t even need to comply with societal norms of attractiveness, because they are already considered to be a catch.

Good men in solid relationships are also a product of the person they are with. If they were with someone else it might be totally dysfunctional. Thats what a lot of women don’t understand. They think “oh he’s such a lovely partner, I want him” but no, you want him when he’s with her. Not just him.

I totally understand this.

I'm now happily married to a man wonderful man. Ironically, I have wistful moments where I wish I was single. Not because I am remotely unhappy but just because I spent so long on my own doing the hard bits of life that I sometimes want to experience more of what it's like to be successful and single. Plus I'm ridiculously independent as a result of all that so find normal togetherness a little overwhelming at times.

However, when my DC were young and I was on my own (no family either), in a dead end job and utterly skint, I used to look at women with nice lives and feel very envious. I didn't begrudge them their happiness but wondered where I had gone wrong and longed for what I perceived as that perfect lifestyle.

I realise now that it wasn't the perfect man I was hankering after. It was relief from my stressful life. It was some support and validation. It was the chance to have someone tend to my needs for a change. The chance to feel desirable as a woman not just a mother. Once I realised that, and realised that I could meet those needs without having a perfect husband, I found I wanted a man a lot less and felt a lot less envious.

I hear you OP. For now I would concentrate on building your support network and taking time to prioritise yourself. 💐

As for short men, my first boyfriend was one and he had major issues. I did well getting out of that situation.

I was single well into my thirties, was looking forward to stocking up on cats if I could ever afford a home of my own. My now DH was a nerdy friend from work who I had never seen that way until we were in a particular social situation together, and then we fell for each other. Married late thirties, no kids, but still trying. I struck lucky but also was open enough (he wasn't at all my type) to recognise that this could be a good thing and give it a go. I do miss being single a bit, I like to do things on my own but that doesn't bother him.

I’ve never really understood the ‘tall’ thing, especially from short women.

Yes, a tall man is attractive but surely if you reproduce together you are making the gene pool shorter anyway?

Great advice. Where would I find these wavelength friends?

Depends on the type(s) of wavelength...

I have a friend who says this often. She'd rather be in a shit relationship than on her own and is on current boyfriend number 3 this year but she's only with him so she has someone to look after her 5 animals while she jets off on holiday for a month next week. She doesn't even like him very much!
I like being on my own but sometimes I do envy those who appear to have a good relationship with a gorgeous and good man. If your eyes and ears are open and you spend enough time with them, or one of them, the cracks become apparent. The subtle misogyny, the little digs disguised as humour, the wandering eye, the lack of respect, or the controlling tendencies. I don't think I've ever witnessed a relationship that on closer examination I have truly envied.
I often think there's no good men and then I look at my young ds and hope that he grows into one of the good ones and not the subject of a mumsnet thread. I'm sure there are good ones out there but I haven't met any, either single or in a relationship.

I don’t agree with this at all. I know it’s often said on here that “the good ones get snapped up early” and if people (mainly men) are single in their 30s and beyond it must mean they’re a terrible person and partner but I think this is a really reductive take. Not everyone wants to get married in their 20s or has the emotional maturity to have a serious relationship at that age, that doesn’t make them bad partners or people. Some people prioritise travel or career advancement through their 20s - again, doesn’t mean they’d be a bad partner or a ‘Peter Pan’. Some people are perfectly nice, caring and decent and may want a similar partner but might’ve gone through school as a nerd getting no romantic attention, and thus find it difficult to approach people as an adult. There are many, many reasons people might not pair up in their 20s that aren’t anything to do with them being shitty people.

On the flip side, two reliable, faithful and emotionally robust people could have a great relationship that simply runs its course, and become single again in middle age. It isn’t always a case of shit partners being jettisoned. You can fall out of love with someone without them having done something bad. Meeting someone is really down to luck and circumstance - not just being in the right place at the right time but lucky in that you’ve had good role models in your parents to show you what a healthy relationship looks like; lucky that you have conventionally attractive qualities and confidence that make it easier to find a partner; lucky that you know what you want from life and don’t feel the need to move around and experiment and try different things which can make finding a long term partner more difficult. Some people simply wouldn’t have been happy getting into a serious, long term relationship or marriage in young adulthood, doesn’t mean they can’t make great partners once they do want that.

None of this is to say that dating isn’t tedious and demoralising - there are a HELL of a lot of shitty men out there. I just don’t think it’s as simplistic as all decent people pairing up at 23 and that’s them done for life.

Three of my good friends who seem to the outside world as 'perfect' couples have all had various degrees of cheating. They chose to forgive and move on. Two of the couples have very very wealthy husbands. All three of them suffered hugely during the cheating and became shadows of themselves. Two seem permanently changed. They do seem happy again and I am not judging them but a lot of women would have ended the relationships after the cheating.

There are truly happy couples but there are also a lot that potray that but it isn't as perfect as they pretend.

Beautiful women get treated like total crap too

Ah know how you feel OP attending music event earlier I nearly didn’t leave the house to go, just one of those sad days.

Got to venue and got chatting to my long-time idol’s partner when it became obvious I wasn’t enjoying this on my own. Just the sort of person I’d have imagined them paired with when I was 16, yet I can’t do a job of this picturing who I’m meant to be with.

I agree with a lot of what you say, but it’s a numbers game.

At 20, there’s lots of decent people to pair up
with so it’s easy. But as time goes on, the good ones who find a successful partner leave the arena. There’s still lots of decent people but the ratio of good guy: wanker changes and you’re statistically more likely to meet a wrong’un.

by the time you hit 35, lots of the good guys have left the arena…of course some are still there and some will end up returning because of bad relationships, but there’s just not the same choice as in your 20’s.

this keeps happening until you reach 50’s and any man who wants a long term relationship will have paired up. The ones who are left are divorced. Some will be great guys ( I think I have found one!) but I’d say 70-80 % of divorcees are there because they are shit husbands.

What an illuminatingly bizarre post. Are you actually advising choosing a man who is as boring as you can tolerate so that he won’t find your joint life full and leave, or potentially be attractive to other people?

I want to agree with you but then I take a good hard look at myself and then I conclude I wasn’t a good bet for any decent fella in the prime dating years.

I didn’t have a good relationship model, I had little self respect, I just wasn’t very dateable.

looking back now, I had loads going for me but I didn’t believe it or display it for various reasons. I did go on to have long term relationships but these were marred by my low expectations and self-worth. Now I’ve got healthy expectations and self-worth, the ship is departing without me… it’s so muc easier for men. They can find and date great, woerthwhile women seemingly forever. It really sucks.

It’s true that men who are genuinely decent, kind, honest and have integrity are thin on the ground. I have the most shitty relationship history ever, and had completely given up, OLD was a nightmare, I was convinced I was never going to find anyone to be happy with, and had given up caring. Then randomly met DP in my local pub over 4 years ago, and he is amazing. He’s nothing like what I thought I wanted, but it just works and he really is a unicorn among men.

I totally sympathise because I have done the same and worse - I have actually been on over 50 dates over the last few years. In 90% of cases either I or he or both knew within minutes that we were not compatible. In some cases I had more than one date and in a dozen cases we actually got as far as sex and then they started back on the site to find a fresh conquest.

At the end of all that expense and time and effort, I am still without a man to love me.

Why can't women like us link up and love one another? I don't mean sexually. I am not gay. I mean become good friends. Depending on where we live, penpals or meet up occasionally friends. Skype pals? Why isn't the love and support of a woman enough? Why do we have to "bag" a man? Do we really need sex so much that a platonic woman friend is no substitute?