To envy women who found good male partners?

[nanomint]

I know not every woman who is married has a good relationship and that its definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship or marriage but there are women with good men and good marriages where they are supported, looked after or at least have the burden of life and all that comes with that shared.

Life just feels so hard on my own, I've been badly let down by men and not had good experiences on the dating apps getting used and ghosted. I do have friends but most are married and have families. Feel like I am aging rapidly and I'll never be loved.

I'm not a bad person and I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out? Sorry ignore me, its just facing another Saturday night alone and fed up with it all.

I am in many ways one of the lucky ones, but luck only takes you so far. We’ve had to overcome some serious problems in our time together, he definitely did not come from parents who are any kind of role model for a good marriage, and it has taken work and a willingness to grow on both sides to still be together and glad of that fact after 26 years.

My mum has been lucky enough to both have married the first time and been happy until dad fucked off with OW, then post divorce some years later to meet the man she now considers the love of her life when she was in her late forties. So it can happen later in life, but I recognise that isn’t the case for everyone.

If DH and I were to split up, though, I would choose to stay single. I don’t have the energy to go through running a new life partner and would likely just stock up on cats.

Honestly, find yourself a nerd. Sounds weird but my husband was a complete basement dwelling gamer nerd (but a fantastic man, funny, attractive under a lot of bad "changeable" features and a lot of fun to be around) who lived with his mum. He was often overlooked because of this. He didn't get out much or meet many women and was a virgin when I met him in his mid-20s. I met him at work and we got close, I think it was the first female attention he had had in his life. He dotes on me and I've always been the kind of person who loves very hard so we were very comparable from the beginning. He very soon moved out from his mums and in with me and let me "make him over" (haircut, new clothes because he didn't really care what he wore anyway, and upgraded his personal grooming routine). He's a wonderful, loyal person and a great dad and partner. I'll never have to worry about him cheating... he's too much of a nerd and just so grateful he managed to find one woman!!! (I'm also very glad I ditched the "popular" boys and decided to give him a chance, best decision of my life and so grateful he was open to it).

Not trying to gloat, what I'm saying is that often the ones who are overlooked can make the best partners.

Very true.

You could say the same about short men. I wonder how many women of average height dismissed a short man and ended up with a tall arsehole!

I'm having this dilemma currently. I'm close friends with a really good guy, who's 3 inches shorter than me. I don't know if he's really interested anyway, but I can't even make myself find him attractive, even though I know he's a decent man, and on paper we're a pretty good match.

Very true! Some men are genuine good guys who respect women, are not lazy, value their families, are not scared of commitment, are honest and kind.
There is indeed an element of luck when you date, and you could easily waste your 20s/30s dating guys that seem great first but are not vs dating a good one and staying with him long term.

I envy this too OP, and I always wonder what alchemy creates truly compatible partnerships.

I like my best friend's approach to it all. She started looking for Mr Right, seriously, when she was 33 and not in a mood to mess around. She told any potentials very plainly what she wanted, which was marriage and children and no messing about with 10-year engagements and whatnot. That approach sifted out a lot, and she found someone who wanted the same things and married him in short order afterwards. It seems to be going well.

Another vote for nerds. I have a hard working, loving, funny, creative, kind and loyal man that most woman wouldn’t even glance at. But I’m lucky apparently. So many friends wouldn’t give a man a chance unless they can tick if a list of attributes then complain that they’re alone. Two of my friends married after meeting at my house. He’s 4 inches shorter than her. They were reluctant to date because of it but now married with two DC.

I had a pretty decent dh1 we're still friends. Dh2 is fantastic and I met him when i was 40 with 2 school age dcs. He has one adult dc. Mine are grown too now. I'm good looking though so that helped. I know it shouldn't but it does. I know plenty of less attractive women with decent men but plenty with ones who i wouldn't trust as far as I could throw them,whether the women are lookers onot. The men seem so nice and genuine but a few have messaged me being flirty. I know if I'd encouraged it they would cheat. A lot of men are cheaters. Ruled by their dicks with huge egos. No doubt they message others.

I understand what you’re saying op, but I’m also aware that a lot of people protect their privacy and don’t share the down times in a relationship.

I think it’s very taboo in our culture now to be ambitious about relationships. It’s all about fate and connection and love, and having a focused strategy is considered manipulative/unpleasant.

What is the man/partner you want? Who do they want to be with? In real terms. If you want someone safe, dependable, traditional, are they having relationships with homely, traditional, maternal type women? Then break that down in to attributes that you have or can obtain.

If you want a driven, successful man, what women do they go for? Attractive, elegant, cultured? Make that your persona. No one is ugly, only short of funds/lacking in confidence.

I found a very good husband, OP, 20 years ago.
However, being single was and will always be the best for me.

Very few people get everything out of life that they had hoped for

This, 100%
I've had everything I wanted from life, other than a good, long term partner. It won't happen now as I'm 55 and actively not looking!

I do wonder why it never happened for me. I'm not beautiful either but plenty of "average" women manage to meet a good guy. But then plenty of beautiful women don't manage to meet a good guy! I can think of a few beautiful, famous women off the top of my head, that have been unlucky in love. So it's nothing to do with looks really.

I just focus on everything I do have. I find peace and contentment in knowing I will never be cheated on again. I will never have to worry about a man being moody or annoyed around me or with me! Never have to listen to a guy snoring. I could go on but you get the picture! I savour the peace, both literally and the peace of mind.

I've been married a long time to a good and kind man. I would say that you are looking at it as the grass is greener. Relationships go through a lot of up and downs and it's not always a bed of roses, it can be a lot of hard work, tolerance and compromise. Family life, bereavement, work stress etc can all derail even a good relationship.

I don't think being beautiful matters particularly, beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all! I think what is attractive is someone who's comfortable with who they are and happy in their own life generally. Take the pressure to meet someone off yourself and do things that you enjoy for you! If you are busy and active, join some hobby or exercise groups, get out and about, you're more likely to meet someone like-minded.

I also think the term ‘good’ partner is very subjective.

for some people it will be about being provided for, either financially or by being taken care of in the home.

for some people it be will about sharing humour, intellect, weathering a storm with a shared spirit.

for some it’s shared life goals and aspirations, mutual family/parenting goals.

For some it’s about being the apple of someone’s eye, being completely faithful and never having an interest in anyone outside the relationship.

for some, it’s all of the above.

YANBU. One of the most consequential decisions that one can make in life is choosing a good partner.

I was really lucky to meet a good man, I was 28 and he was 39 when we met. He’d never been married but had had a couple of serious relationships. Been married for 34 years. We were not able to have children, but you can”t have everything! I would rather not have his children than have the children of any other man on the planet.

My work colleague had this approach too, when she was dating at 38yrs old. She was super upfront with what she was looking for and would leave first dates immediately if they weren’t on the same page. She’s been very happily married for 12 years. Her husband is younger than her.

I think it must be hard being single sometimes (I'm on my way there). But honestly watching the man I married 15 years ago become unrecognisable has been one of the worst things.
I've embarrassingly begged and clasped on to the end, hoping he'd give counselling a try. Unfortunately he decided to give a colleague a try instead.

I guess my point is, is that it's hard to find someone who meets your requirements at one point in life but then to maintain that connection for a lifetime is a whole other ball game entirely. I genuinely think most marriages end up marriages of convenience by time 50/60s roll around.

You need to remember that there are often issues in relationships beneath what outsiders see.

A friend of mine, her DH seems so amazing and lovely and kind. But actually, he can be REALLY controlling and angry, and mean with money.

My ex appeared quite the charmer on the outside, but behind closed doors he was super jealous which became exhausting. After I ended it, I wanted to scream when people kept saying "but he seemed so nice..." ARGH.

I'm married to a man who was a friend for 2.5 years before we started dating. It's not the most romantic marriage, and although good looking, I wouldn't say we had initial physical attraction, but we rarely argue, we have a laugh together, we work well as a team, he's funny, and in general it's a really relaxing marriage. We're also both really independent so it doesn't feel claustrophobic.

Aside from ‘good ones’, do we think too many women hold out for traditionally good looking, tall men? And don’t give the men outside of that enough notice?

I know I didn’t when I was dating in my 20s. I found short men off-putting for sure. I look back and shake my head at my younger self.

I like to think that he’s lucky he found me too. But I know what you’re saying and for my kids it scares me the amount of luck involved.

A complete vote against nerds here. Thought DH would never cheat and would appreciate being with me as he was never popular and had only had one girlfriend who ended up ghosting him. Turned out he spent 25 years trying to sleep with other people to try to patch up his low self esteem. Another friend had a similar experience - but with prostitutes - with her nerdy husband who you'd never have thought would cheat.

Yes I think a lot of women would rather marry a tall arsehole than a lovely short man I really do.

I'm only 5 foot myself so obviously was extremely unlikely to date someone shorter (not that I cared about that). My tall friends were always annoyed if a tall man fancied me and not them!

Remember life has twists and turns,
i believe bf/DP (mid 40s) is one of the good ones.
if his wife hadn’t sadly died, i believe they would have stayed married,

so what I’m saying is, sometimes the good ones do become available!

DP also has lovely friend whose wife has met someone else and left him after 25yrs together. when he’s ready I believe he’ll be another good one unexpectedly available,

Yes but… with any kind of generalised envy I think it’s always worth checking some specific examples. Of people you know well enough to know what their partner and relationship is really like, including the flaws, would you honestly want exactly what they have - that partner and relationship and general situation? For me the answer is usually no.

I’m only 5ft 2 and was put off by anyone 5ft 8 or under! Definitely awful of me. Don’t know what sort of queen I thought I was 🤣