To envy women who found good male partners?

[nanomint]

I know not every woman who is married has a good relationship and that its definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship or marriage but there are women with good men and good marriages where they are supported, looked after or at least have the burden of life and all that comes with that shared.

Life just feels so hard on my own, I've been badly let down by men and not had good experiences on the dating apps getting used and ghosted. I do have friends but most are married and have families. Feel like I am aging rapidly and I'll never be loved.

I'm not a bad person and I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out? Sorry ignore me, its just facing another Saturday night alone and fed up with it all.

I think there's something to this.

I've been married for over a decade, and my husband and I often reflect on the earlier years of our relationship and cringe a bit and who we both were back then. I truly don't think either of us were great partners off the bat, but we've both grown a lot together, which has been hard work at times.

It look a lot of determination from both of us and thankfully we worked on that early on, which I think is key, the ability to communicate respectfully and honestly with each other and to be open to change.

I had dated a bit and had a few longer relationships before I met my husband. He was very different from the others as he made me feel safe, he was always very reliable, no silly games, not interested in impressing anyone other than himself or creating flashy moments for instagram.
There wasn't the intoxicating big highs and crushing lows of some of my other relationships and I suppose that was more "boring" for my nervous system but I knew the stability was ultimately a good thing.

He had and still has a great relationship with his family and his parents have a wonderful close marriage, I agree with PP that this is very helpful.

Don’t despair OP. I met my husband online when I was 41 and well past my peak in terms of looks. And it did feel like slim pickings on the apps. But you only need to meet one person, and mine was living round the corner pretty much. The key thing for us is that we’d both done a lot of work on ourselves following quite shit childhoods and we just clicked. We wouldn’t have worked if we’d met when we were younger.

May not be relevant but check out Rising Woman on insta - her course helped me figure out what I actually needed in a partner and hey presto 3 months later I found him.

@Ladyof2024 I have a good friend of 35 years, we shared a house together when young and her and I FaceTime every week. She is like me and likes companionship. She has been very unlucky in love and I have been very lucky. I stayed with her for three weeks last year and had a great time, she could have been my platonic housemate forever. But I think only sisters end up living like this together long term.

Her issue is she was and still is far too generous with poor behaviour. It was nothing short of a miracle that I married as it was never the most important thing for me.

It is a numbers game, right time right place scenario. When I did decide to date seriously I viewed it like going in to battle. But it’s the little oddities that really make a relationship. DH and I sing to horses in fields and share thoughts that will never be for other ears. One of our mutual friends said you two are so exquisitely odd you fit together beautifully.

Sorry to hear about your situation OP.

Met my (now) husband on a night out in 1995... and haven't looked back. Nearly 30 years on, we're happier and more in love than ever. He is the absolute best friend, team mate, partner, lover I could wish for.

I think the key to a lasting relationship is being friends first.

The boring and frankly maddening answer is that men are of generally a lower "quality" than women. That is, women are much more likely to put the hours in to become a good partner/friend/parent/interesting and helpful member of society.

Patriarchy does indeed harm us all, and I don't think the men are doing this on purpose. They are missing out too.

This will not help at all but one day you'll hit 45 and even if you live with a good/above average man it is likely he will do your head in anyway due to menopause hormones.

Beauty is a double edged sword too. If you are conventionally hot you still might end up with a man who picked you for your looks and the privilege this buys him with other men. Not fun when they work out they don't actually like you 15 years down the line.

Just keep being your best self and play dating as a numbers game. Do that thing were you date 20 men in quick succession and then lock down the first one after man 21 onwards who reaches the same standard as your top 2-3 dates from men 1-20. Be scientific, the probability of compatibility can probably be predicted if you get the methodology right!

I think the person you are after kids is very different to the person you are before

I do… I love them

But I’ve seen enough to know they are men… therefore selfish, entitled and sexual oriented

i also mean men in relationships…

I’ve been massively extremely lucky. Snapped up Dh we met at work when I was 28 he was 26. His long term gf had just dumped him. She actually realised she had made a massive mistake and tried to get him back but it was too late. What a fool she was. Her loss my gain.

He moved in after 3 months we got married the following year. He is the best Dh ever in every way. Rarely a cross word in 20 years. Still have fun and a brilliant life. High earner. Thoughtful. Incredible father. My greatest wish is that my two dds can marry men like him.

It’s luck.

I met my husband at 18 and we have been together over 16 years now. Hes a good guy, great dad, earns well and isn’t tight at all, what’s his is mine kind of thing. We have 2 amazing children. We have been together so long now, there is no childish behaviour you find at the beginning of relationships, no insecurities between us. I know that if I call him at any time of the day or night, he will call me back within 5 mins.

I think we work so well as we met so young, we both have the same kind of values, grew up and our families have similar backgrounds.

but its luck we met when we did.

I feel glad we both had other relationships though so we really appreciate what we have. We both had volatile slightly mentally unstable exes so it was such a relief for us both to build a life with a rational normal person.

You’re on your own until you’re not. I finally met my bf at 35. If you keep looking you’re bound to find someone. I’m not beautiful, I’ve never had my looks commented on positively. Me and my bf come from somewhat dysfunctional families and it was very rocky at the start. We’re still working on things but it’s very stable now. We’re both very kind people who want the best for each other which is the main thing.

OP, if you want to find love, keep looking. I met my fabulous partner at 36. Some lovely 'also rans' along the way but I think I knew all along they weren't quite for me.

I don't subscribe to this 'high quality' stuff but there are loads of nice single professional men in their 30s and 40s who have dedicated their lives to work. I know because they include some of my nicest friends. They're a smallish but genuinely interesting cohort in the dating pool. Bigger jn London. Much more interesting if I'm being honest than the divorced dads where you have to work around their time with kids. As it should be of course, but I didn't want to compromise on that as someone without my own children.

Re the geeky guys. There are geeks and geeks. Those I am a proponent of have a passion for knowledge generally and something outside of/ in addition to football, family, socialising, money, golf etc. Could be anything but it's a love of the topic or activity for its own sake.

The problematic ones' immersion in an area, often a different culture (usually Japan), a pretend universe, games, whatever, seems to be more about escapism and belonging. These seem to be the ones worth avoiding in my experience as it seems to involve negative behaviours.

Women tend to be more social and value people more. Men are more self absorbed.

Isn't there a saying that women are interested in people, men are interested in things?

Everyone tells me I am lucky because I have a great husband / dad to my kids. However I honestly believe that this was because of the amazing role model my dad was. He brought me up treating my mum like well. He never thought there were women chores or men chores. And taught me to be independent and not reliant on a man. My husband is my partner we raise the children together, we look after the house together. We both work full time and very hard. But we are a team. Our relationship has definitely had lots of rough patches but we keep working at it and great at the moment.

The other thing I personally think helps, is getting together at a younger age. We got together at 20, and we have grown up: matured together. Some friends meet their partners later in life and whilst it still works I think people can find it harder to change, as you are already set in your ways

I've been single a good few years. I'm in my 50s.

I have a fabulous group of friends and only one is married.

I own my own home, don't have to answer to anyone, can come and go as I like...I can honestly say that I absolutely do not ever want to be in a relationship again, or share my hard earned home with anyone apart from my DC if they need a roof. Or my dog. My dog is better than any partner!

Why do you feel a partner is important, OP? What can they provide that you feel is missing?

I know a lovely guy. I was his lodger. He is kind, fun and genuinely nice.
The problem is everyone sees him as a 'friend' and not BF. He is always the one a string of girls come to when they need to talk etc. Then they move on to the next more attractive man/loser. Phone him in the middle of the night when it goes wrong.
He is solvent, has a flat, a car and works.
He hides behind his beard.

It's not only men who only look skin deep.

Why haven't I snapped him up?
I met my girlfriend through him.
We are toying with asking him to be our donor.
Maybe we too would be adding to the long string of females who use him?

Keep look OP there must be more nice guys like him out there.

I think your comment “he’s nothing like I thought I wanted” is key here. You were willing to give him a chance. Two many women have a checklist in their heads of what they want and quickly rule out any man who doesn’t meet one of their criteria.

I think there is something in this. I met my DH of 34 years in a choir. So we were able to get to know one another socially for a while before we started dating.

Yes I found that too when I was on dating websites when I was in my early 30s.
Kind of given up now in my 50s!

It is for me. Kindness is the number one thing I look for.

I could care less if a man is short/has a bit of a belly/bit of a bald patch.

Gosh, it wouldn’t occur to me as a top criterion in a friend or a partner. I go for intelligence, observancy and articulateness above everything. I think most people are averagely kind.

It’s lovely for people who met and married young and have grown together that they feel that has strengthened their marriage. But it’s so irritating when people say that’s the key - divorce rates are higher for people who marry in their early 20s than in their early 30s. In many areas, professions or social circles hardly anyone is married before 30.

Personally, I am glad I met my partner mid 30s and then took a while to settle down because I think both of us needed some wild oat sowing time in our 20s and some growing up time in our early 30s, and as much as I love him I would have got itchy feet if we’d got together a lot younger. He’s someone a lot of women here would write off apparently as he had a difficult childhood and isn’t a high earner. He is a much better partner than any former boyfriends who had fancier jobs and nicer mothers.

Exactly, it actually chills me to think if it was OLD we’d never had even come in my searches - too young, lives too far away…also even if he had come up in my searches I probably wouldn’t have swiped him because although he’s good looking, he doesn’t take a good photo 🤣 and he’s not my usual type. I only shagged him that night when I met him in the pub because I was really pissed, but over 4 years later we’re still so, so happy, he is definitely my person.

That's a really good point.

That's why we personally didn't have kids. We like the people we are together and didn't want that to change.