To envy women who found good male partners?

[nanomint]

I know not every woman who is married has a good relationship and that its definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship or marriage but there are women with good men and good marriages where they are supported, looked after or at least have the burden of life and all that comes with that shared.

Life just feels so hard on my own, I've been badly let down by men and not had good experiences on the dating apps getting used and ghosted. I do have friends but most are married and have families. Feel like I am aging rapidly and I'll never be loved.

I'm not a bad person and I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out? Sorry ignore me, its just facing another Saturday night alone and fed up with it all.

Married at 34. Had a ball all through my 20’s and marriage would definitely have been the last thing on my mind!! Glad I waited, I have a great DH, we’re still very much in love decades on!

This!

My gorgeous 32 yo friend was bemoaning similarly to me recently. She has a 5 yo and on her own, and I asked her what attracted her to the child’s dad who is no longer in their lives (her choice).

The reply was he was good looking 😧. From what else she has had to say about him, there are no other attractive qualities or any redeeming features that I know of, but there she was with him.

forward to our conversation and I asked her what is she doing now that is any different to when she met him. Apart from being a hands on mum just trying to do her best, she isn’t doing anything to change herself from how she was in her twenties, so she is still meeting the bottom of the barrel types whose behaviour still revolves around speeding in dodgy cars and getting pissed.

my advice to her was to change herself. Get out and look for a better job than hanging around where she does, get some qualifications under her belt so she can aim higher career wise, When heading out with her mates, don’t go to the usual on the prowl venue.

im not sure she will make the change. And I know it’s definitely not easy either. But at the end of the day if you want change in your life, as she does, you are the only one that can bring it about.

there are good people out there. !

Make him delete them and dump him.

I’m not a prude, I have the same sort of folder but he showed them to anyone else like that it would be unforgivable.

Happiness comes from within. Why you sitting in on your own on a Saturday night?
You don't need a significant other to go for a meal, or the cinema.

I understand you, OP. My husband turned out to be a nightmare, and it does feel unfair. But if it helps, marriage does come with an opportunity cost. You have to spend a lot of time with their family, a lot of time managing their quirks, illnesses, issues, etc., and you could have spent all that time doing productive things or things that benefit you.

In marriage, you are also very subject to their moods, their sex drive - i.e. they can take all intimacy and physical affection away from you - and they can really make you miserable at their whim.

I guess I'm describing my own ex-marriage though.

I idealised marriage before I was married, and being married certainly cured me of all that. Even if my husband had been perfect, his family were an utter PITA, and extremely rude, too.

A happy marriage must be a wonderful thing, but there really is no such thing as a free lunch.

Ultimately, marriage is based on your partner's sexual attraction to you, and who the hell wants their security and stability to be based on that? See my recent thread in AIBU about hanging your stability on sexual attraction in marriage.

You say you're not beautiful, and I'm sure that's not true, but even if so, there's nothing stopping you from having a hot body and from being really stylish! I never thought Jennifer Aniston had a pretty face but she looks incredible in Friends!

Check this out, especially the beginning. This guy (a divorce lawyer) has it real when it comes to marriage. Marriage comes with a lot of sexual pressure for women much of the time, pressure to have sex, pressure to stay slim, pressure to be feminine. I think you should count your blessings.

You have time to meet someone…every story has a happy ending and if you are not happy - it’s not the end… (there is a saying in my culture to that effect)
I think people who are ‘happy’ or in good relationships choose how they want to live. I would say I am in a happy relationship with my husband. But we choose it. Everyday. He is can be annoying and irritating but I choose not to let things annoy me.. I think he does the same for me as I am sure I can be annoying and irritating too…I am pretty certain I was told (can’t remember by whom) that a key to a successful marriage/relationship was understanding each other’s love language. You will meet someone one day who will understand yours and you his…

I feel like this, mid 40’s, single, messed about in previous relationships, I’m so lonely people say to me that they wish had the freedom I have but it’s bloody horrible coming home at night to an empty room (I live in a shared house) so basically spend all my time in there, nobody to tell about my day, no one to spend my days off with, I have no family or friends & something as simple as going to the hospital (I have an appointment soon) I’m worrying about who will keep hold of my belongings for me, I don’t consider myself attractive at all, I’m trying so hard to just come to terms with the fact I will be on my own for the rest of my life now but I also feel so sad too. I do like seeing couples in love though but can’t help but feel envious too.

I now have a lovely husband, supportive and helps a lot. Actually probably better at domestic stuff than me.

however, I had a rubbish first husband, probably narcissistic and enough so I was lost in him and couldn’t see any positives when he ran off with someone else, I felt so ashamed at myself. So even if someone looks like everything is rosy you never know what has happened before or what’s going on right now. So much is covered up. My neighbours are one of the pinnacles in society around here and act all amazing and volunteer locally. However what we hear through the thin walls is shocking, nothing like what they portray outside. I once alluded to someone about it and I was considered to have been mistaken and over critical (actually I was on the verge of calling the Police and should have done looking back).
I do fully appreciate how easy it is to feel envy, people feel envy towards others for all sorts of different reasons. Someone will envy you, maybe you have your own home, have children they long for, have loving parents etc.

it’s hard, but just be happy with what you have, that’s the secret.

I’m jealous of women all the time with lovely husbands who are good fathers

I’m generally unlucky but I’ve been really lucky with my husband. We both have bad luck constantly but we joke that we both used up all of our luck when he beat cancer twice. We don’t have much but we’re grateful for what we do have.

you’ll probably have to kiss a few more frogs before you find your prince but he is out there

Yes, it’s the one thing I do envy. I have friends who got the most fantastic partners and have proved themselves over the decades. I blame myself though for my bad choices, ignoring red flags and not putting more value on myself. If I could live my life again with this knowledge I’d be making very different decisions. I’m happy now though, permanently single and great peace of mind.

I was good looking, didn’t help at all. it got me attention but it didn’t help me find the right calibre of man. I might even had made better choices if I’d been plainer as I tended to go for the more edgy fanciable types instead of just a decent bloke.

I have 15 GCSE
5 A levels
3 first class honour degrees (2 which I completed side-by-side).
2 M.A. degrees at distinction (1 gained whilst working full time, 50+ hours per week, as well as being a sole parent to a toddler who we later found put has ADHD).
I have numerous work-based qualifications.
I have a very good job, own my own home and earn a decent salary, even for MN standards.
I speak 8 foreign languages fluently. 1 of those languages I taught myself when I was 9 years old for fun. I actually went to that country when I was 18 to get my first BA.

I don't take drugs or go our partying and get drunk. I don't do one-night-stands.

I seem to only attract men who like to hit women. Or men who are just after me because they see me as a meal ticket.

She is not the problem. Dickheads exist in all social classes and education levels. You are not better than her because you've found someone. You are luckier than her, that's it. Her changing herself doesn't necessarily mean she'll find anyone at all. Her improving her circumstances will help herself, and that's what we should be encouraging, not doing it to find a husband.

I seem to only attract men who like to hit women. Or men who are just after me because they see me as a meal ticket.

There are a lot of decent guys out there and from what I've heard from my daughters friends they're asking much the same about women. Several of their male friends have given up on dating and they're only in their early thirties. (Benefit of being the older mother figure for them, I gey all the stories)

I think many people have had failed relationships with the father of their children and then gone on to have fabulous relationships after.

In fact, some of the most unhappy people I have met are in a relationship with their 'first loves' and have children together. But because they been together since a young age, they haven't been able to understand what they do and don't like in a relationship, as that is the only one they have known.

On the other hand, I would say a second relationship, the one after the one you've had with the father of your kids. You are a lot wiser and know what you like in a partner. Therefore, pick more wisely, which helps with longevity and compatibility.

I met my current partner, an amazing man, but he is not the father of my daughter.

Of course, everyone has different experiences. But you don't need to get it right first time around at all.

I don't necessarily agree with this; I think the bad girl/good guy dynamic is alive and well, like the opposite. There are plenty of shitty female partners who have affairs or just don't appreciate their good male partners, who then get divorced and are back on the market.

It’s not about beauty. There are some very plain Jane’s out there with lovely husbands. I think it’s because they have been raised in homes where they were valued and treated well. They then go on to pick men with qualities they are used to. Women who are raised by narcissistic or otherwise abusive or neglectful parents can sometimes also go for what is familiar and pick the wrong men.

You also never know what goes on behind closed doors. I had a long term boyfriend on my 20s who was very handsome, successful and well spoken. Everyone thought he was wonderful (including my parents) and friends said how lucky I was. He was cheating. He continued to do so throughout our relationship. I ended it once I found out. So I’m quite skeptical now about these seemingly lovely husbands.

i used to think like this, until I found out that the doting, wealthy, good looking husbands of three friends of mine were actually having either emotional or full blown affairs.

one beautiful stunning friend knows full well that her gorgeous, self-made successful husband would have left her a few years ago except for an unfortunate event. Multiple affairs have since come to light. But she has the most financially charmed life so stays put…

From @SuperBored:
I've learnt that no matter how you feel about someone, you cannot predict or count on the other person and how they feel and act 100% and I am far better being master of my own destiny and happiness without having someone else potentially throwing grenades in.

This. So, so, so much this. My marriage was endless grenades being thrown in my happiness.

I think there is some truth here. My dad was lovely and I had very high standards when it came to men despite being unattractive and quite a difficult character! I still had a few lovely boyfriends and eventually married a man who has been the best husband and father who I’ve been with for over 30 years now.

It wasn’t ‘luck’ though…I spent a lot of lonely times and kissed a lot of frogs but I never settled. The first time a man would show any disrespect or selfishness he was dumped. I would’ve spent a life alone rather than settle for a dick.

OP I know this is going to sound like the biggest cliche out there, but I'm going to say it anyway as friends used to say this to me before I met my DH, and in my case I believe it was true. Focus on building a life you enjoy living, so you get to a place where can truly feel that, whether you meet someone or not, you're having a good life. It's very hard to buy the whole 'you'll meet them when you least expect it, when you're not looking' as how do you just stop wanting the thing you really do want. But I do believe that when you're just enjoying living your life on your terms, you unconsciously put the right kind of vibes out there to meet and attract the right person. And if you don't / in the meantime before you meet them, you'll be enjoying your life anyway.

My 6ft 4 university boyfriend was such an arsehole that even his school Reverend hated him. Height is over rated.

So would I. I dumped a guy for his disrespect of me and refused to take him back even when he begged. I was single for a long time after that but I met my DH in the end.

Even the good ones are ‘diamonds in the rough’ who need proper polishing before being truly good partners. Men are hard work.

An acquaintance once wondered how I'd found such a good man when I'd been so uninterested in relationships or settling down in my 20s, I told her it was precisely because of that. Settling down, marriage and kids was not a life I wanted so the only way I'd accept a man into my life was if he was perfect for me, made my life even better and the relationship was so easy I didn't have to think about it. There was no point otherwise.

But true compatibility (which is what matters, it's not about a "good male partner", it's about someone who's good for you as an individual) is really, really rare. I've known a lot of men as friends, lovers and sometimes both. And they have been excellent friends and sometimes excellent lovers too. But in two decades of adulthood I think maybe three of them, maybe four at a push, were people I could have actually clicked with and lived with and been in it for the long haul with. One of those didn't live in the same country as me and one of those came along at a time when I didn't have any time for a relationship. Luckily the last of them was DP.