To envy women who found good male partners?

[nanomint]

I know not every woman who is married has a good relationship and that its definitely better to be single than in a bad relationship or marriage but there are women with good men and good marriages where they are supported, looked after or at least have the burden of life and all that comes with that shared.

Life just feels so hard on my own, I've been badly let down by men and not had good experiences on the dating apps getting used and ghosted. I do have friends but most are married and have families. Feel like I am aging rapidly and I'll never be loved.

I'm not a bad person and I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out? Sorry ignore me, its just facing another Saturday night alone and fed up with it all.

I don't think I do this, I've been open to dating all kinds of guys, I see this online being spoke about but I don't see it so much irl. I feel like i see more beautiful girls with very average guys.

Yeah a friend had a nightmare experience with a "sweet" nerd who was into gaming and anime and had a list of sexual fetishes as long as his arm that he expected her to be open to. Seems like there is no one safe kind of guy to go for.

The thing is, people have different expectations and tolerances.

What/who do you think your ideal partner is op?

In general. I think all the high quality eligible people (both male and female) get locked into solid, functional long term relationships by their early 30s at the latest.

I think luck has a lot to do with it, also when your young you may be more interested in fun than long-term.
I was an introvert and never saw myself as pretty (had braces on my teeth until I left school). I met my husband through my brother and he was a real slow burn as far as romance went. The women at work took the mick because he was the sort who was into traction engines, steam trains etc. Forty years on nearly thirty six married we're still together. We don't live in each others pockets, we have differences which we acknowledge and cope with but he has always been supportive and encouraging. In short he just makes my life easier. Amazing dad and excellent grandad.

It’s luck - and balance. The ideal is a boring good man who’ll never stray and worship you forever, but you obviously don’t want anyone too boring because you’ll find certain character traits appealing, eg being artistic, humorous, chatty, inventive. You’re unlikely to find them in a boring good man. You need someone a bit more individual who’s also good.

But then, some of that interestingness might lead him astray, as it did my ex. We were perfect for each other and had a great marriage - ok financially, settled, nice house, time and money to go out or on holiday. Perfect. But that very perfectness was what made him look elsewhere. All the nice things we had emotionally were “boring”. Love - boring because lust is better; nice house - boring because it was too settled; children - boring, they’d tied him down; spending time with me - boring, in his head he was still an interesting, arty student and wanted to live that way. So he went off and left me. If I’d chosen someone more boring then I guess that wouldn’t have happened - but would I have been bored then?

I also don’t agree with the nerd thing. A friend married a nerd, after making him over like described above. He was great. But gradually he changed and hankered after more experience, both sexual (he was a virgin when he met her too) and life experience. For myself, my nerd, who I thought was a shy, socially awkward but kind nerdy guy turned out to be a raving narcissist (look up covert narcissist).

So, it’s just luck and managing to find someone the right balance of boring/interesting. OP, looks have very little to do with it - they honestly don’t.

I do so envy my friends who got married in their 20s. One married her teenage sweetheart since they were 17 . He is a devoted family man ambitious for a good life together. She was quite traditional so good match . Now they are all still young enough to enjoy life together that their kids are young adults. I was the globe trotter ended up marrying in my 30s both of us had had significant relationships. He cheated we divorced and at my age there are either creeps or they look for younger women.

I married aged 45 to a lovely man, as a non beautiful woman. He's shorter than me so if we'd met in my twenties I might well have been shallow enough not to go for it, but happily was at an age where i was mature enough to value other qualities like kindness, sense of humour and honesty over something as bullshit as height.
Also - from the previous 30 years of relationships and situationships - can confirm its SO much better to be alone than with an arsehole, free to live your own life and suiting yourself.

Very much agree it's luck and yes I do feel lucky (married a long time).

It is luck. I've known my husband since we were 19 and been married since 21. We are now 37 with 5 children. I was lucky to meet a guy who had the same ideals as me and who stuck by me when I struggled so deeply after giving birth to my twins and also with other things. I think we matured with each other as well.

Looks mattered a lot to me when I was younger if I am being perfectly honest but when I fell for DH, he could've been hideous and I would still have loved him. I did get lucky that he is absolutely gorgeous though 😁I'm 5'3 and he's 6 foot which actually put me off at first because I wanted a guy only a few inches taller than me (I was quite insecure about being short!)

I think all relationships are one step away from at least one person in it being desperately unhappy. My parents have been married for about 50 years, but I wouldn't want a marriage like theirs (no violence/drinking/dugs/cheating or anything) and if I'm honest I don't think that they would have stayed married if they had be born a few decades later.
I've learnt that no matter how you feel about someone, you cannot predict or count on the other person and how they feel and act 100% and I am far better being master of my own destiny and happiness without having someone else potentially throwing grenades in.

I know I have a lot to offer but I'm not beautiful and it feels like that is all that counts to most men. Why is it some women get it all and others lose out?

This makes it sound like women who have decent partners are passive and simply happen to be beautiful. Reality is relationships, especially the 'perfect' ones take work, and whilst some men would marry someone purely because they're attractive, I wouldn't count on those being decent relationships.

Reality is a lot of people, men included, will push boundaries, work on your self esteem, being content by yourself and you're far less likely to settle for rubbish blokes or accept crappy behaviour.

Yeah, I'm not sure either. A friend has just divorced her nerdy dh of 10 years.

He started playing D&D in person with a group and she encouraged it. He also encouraged her to get away and relax at the weekend. Turns out he'd met another woman and was either spending time with her supposedly playing the game or inviting her around for sex when my friend was away and the kids were sleeping down the hallway.

If you want to attract the right person you need to be the right person. Invest in yourself and your hobbies/interests as well as your friendships and other things that bring you joy in your life. When you feel great in yourself and happy in your life that shines through and you’ll probably end up finding someone when you least expect it.

It’s sheer luck. I was blindsided in my marriage to a “good man”. A decade and 3 kids later he confessed he’d been shagging other people for pretty much our entire marriage. Meanwhile, I considered myself one of the “lucky ones” and very much loved for much of it.

Most people don’t walk around sharing the In’s and Out’s of their relationship. There’s a lot of compromising behind the scenes, which changes depending on a multitude of things. E.g you get “a good man” and thr relationship you want, then he has some bizarre sexual kinks that keep being brought up every few weeks/months/years until the relationship ends.

Don’t get hung on “I’m not beautiful” because that’s the most subjective word in the universe.

I was very much in the 'tall man' camp. I then met a wonderful man who was the same height as me. We very quickly became very close friends. At the very beginning I was convinced friends was all we'd ever be, because like most women, I'd been conditioned to think shorter men weren't worthy.

5 years of marriage and 2 DC later, I'm so glad I didn't let societal conditioning get in the way. He's the kindest, most handsome, sweetest and most intelligent man I've ever met. We're beyond happy and I'm thankful for him every day. Good men like him are hard to find.

I imagine a lot of women have turned down the chance of being really happy with a decent man just because of height. It's a real shame. You can't help who you're attracted to of course, but it's still a shame.

I get it. A lot of it is just luck. I could be very bitter if I let myself. But, I could also be sicker than I am and jealous of (comparatively) healthy people/have my house burn down etc etc. But it's fine to have a bit of a wallow sometimes, because it is shit if you would like to be in a relationship and aren't and it's fine to be honest about that.

I don’t think that’s totally true. Compaitibility is a thing. But my DH would have been a good husband to someone else if he hadn’t married me. He is a good guy so would have been a good husband generally not only specifically to me. Likewise there are men that are never going to be a good husband. Compatibily isn’t the issue it’s basic decency!

And ignore the "clearly you were just a super shallow Stacey with a long list of unrealistic requirements" tinkly laugh posts. Not everyone posts on here to be helpful.

I hate my husband, but in my case it wasn't bad luck. I was just fucking stupid. I don't know how else to explain it. I've been with him since 18 years of age, and at some point in my mid 20s I considered breaking up. At that time, I thought I'd invested too much time and that I was too weird and ugly for anyone else. I don't know what I was thinking, I am reasonably plain looking but have never struggled to get male attention. I think in reality that what I knew felt "safe". This decision at 25 not to break up has ruined my life.

Completely agree. So many lovely, kind men will be dismissed by a lot of women because they aren’t tall enough, good looking enough, self-assured enough, they don’t dress how you’d prefer etc, etc.
Personally I think kindness should be the main criterion!

My dh loves me to pieces and would do almost anything for me - but it is bloody hard work! I am caught between not wanting to live without him and yearning for my own time and space. We've been together 25 years

Heck no. The perfect partnerships only exist because one of the pair has done a great deal of compromising over, say, 45+ years.

That might suit some, but hasn't suited me. Whilst I wouldn't completely discount having a male partner for my last years (given there wouldn't be decades of the same ahead of me) it would take one helluva bloke that could 'snare' me now.

Don't be daft. Some of us are definitely ugly

I have one of the good ones. he's an amazing, sensitive, kind man and he's wonderful with our two daughters. But if you'd spoken to me 8 years ago i was exactly in your shoes - and then everything changed. some down to luck and some was just me changing myself. I am not by most people's standards beautiful. I am short and very overweight. I have friends much more beautiful than me who are in awful marriages. But i started looking for different things in a man - instead of good looking and passionate and dramatic i looked for the man who made me feel comfortable and calm and secure, who was kind and caring. I was also clear upfront about what i wanted - marriage and kids, i didn't let guys get away with the things i used to. i realised i deserved more and if they weren't gonna give it to me i walked away.

so yeah that's what it took. if you've been in lots of bad relationships you need to start looking at yourself and why you are letting these men treat you like that and give yourself enough confidence to walk away. Maybe i'm being harsh but i think it took someone else being harsh to me to make me change.