Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

Do they know you have a girlfriend and what age are you?.how long are you together?

I'm assuming you live in their home without her. I would move out first.

Presumably if you got married you would move out and live with your wife? Otherwise, what’s the point in getting married?

There's no rush to marry.

Well I would move out and live with your partner first before even contemplating marriage.

We’ve been together 2-3 years now, she’s mid 20s I’m a couple years younger than her. And no they’re not aware at all.

How old are you? Do you plan to live together after you’ve married?

I think you need to tell them and then decide what to do based on their response. If they are truly against your relationship then you need to completely distance yourself if possible.

This is so sad in 2024 🙁

We’ve decided we won’t live together until we are married, but I’m asking if I’m unreasonable to get married behind my parents back without giving them the chance to come since I know they won’t accept it anyway and they’ll put a dampener on my day.

You can do what you like. You are an adult.
Personally though I think you would be foolish to get married before living together. Do that for a couple of years. When you get married I would invite them but expect them not to come.

YANBU to marry whoever you want. If your parents don't accept it because you choose to marry a woman, fuck them.

But what would be the point of marrying in secret and then continuing to live with your homophobic parents who don't know about your wife?

I agree with the PP who said you should move out, live with your girlfriend for a while, and then get married if you still feel it's right after that.

One thing is for sure, you'll have to come out to your parents at some point.

Just do it. Tell them your situation, your commitment, your love for this other person, and let them know they are welcome, if they want to attend. Beyond that, there’s little else you can do. Simpler just to give the invitation, but don’t let them get anywhere near any of the organising or paying. If someone has found the love of their life, regardless of gender, that’s the main thing. Religious beliefs of all kinds are holding back so many folks from happiness worldwide.

As previously poster said ot might be worthwhile living together first..you are an adult. I know it's hard if they won't accept you but you could.try and tell them?

Do you have any siblings or aunts or uncles you could tell first to try soften the blow/take your side?

What's the reason? Are they religious or just homophobic?

Sorry you're in this situation

If your parents are homophobic they won't accept your relationship. I would get married without telling them. Have a lovely day OP.

I would have no trouble getting married behind my family’s back and going NC with them if they didn’t support my relationship because of their wacky backwards beliefs.

But, gay or not, early 20s when you’ve only been together a few years and you’ve not lived together is too soon. It will play into exactly what they probably belief about gay relationships, that they aren’t as solid and ‘real’ as heterosexual ones.

Move out, build a life together for a few years, make sure this is the real deal and for life and then have a wonderful celebration of your marriage, whether you tell them or not.

I think YABU. It will put a dampener on your day anyway, as will the fall out afterwards. Far better IMO to tell them, move out and let them deal with it. Then think about marriage once the dust has settled.

plus, you're only in your early 20s and haven't been together that long. You need time together with no secrecy I think

I think you should live however you want! Do it, tell them before, tell them after or not, this is your life!

personally it might depend on if you are in touch with them as I wouldn’t go out of my way to actually contact them to tell them but at the same time if I was in touch regularly I wouldn’t hide it either. I’d mention it as I would any other thing going on for me but I’d do it in a casual conversation way rather than an announcement. I would make it clear though if they started that I don’t want their opinions on the matter.
I love you, I’m telling you because it’s something that’s happening in my life but I’m not looking for your opinion or your blessing so keep your opinions to yourself thanks.

this thread has moved on since I started writing. So I’m going to add.

I assumed you were living independently and that you had come out to them and they had not been able to accept you but actually it sounds like you aren’t and they don’t even know. you are not giving them the chance to know you if you are effectively living in secret. Are you still living at home?
you are who you are and there is nothing wrong with that, don’t just jump assuming you know what the reaction is going to be. Also marriage is a massive commitment are you absolutely sure it’s time to take that step when you have seemingly many you haven’t taken yet?

have a great wedding!

Do what you like, but move out of their home first. It seems a bit petty to live with your parents and plan to marry behind their back. First live as an adult on your own terms, fending for yourself, or at least move in with your girlfriend for a year to discover how well you get along when you are handling the dull stuff like paying bills and cleaning the loo and putting out the bins and catching flu. Then decide if you want to get married so young.

You're very young to be contemplating marriage if she is only mid twenties and you're even younger.
What's your rush? I don't know anyone (apart from certain religions) who don't live together first.
DS recently married at 28 and I thought that was very young, but they'd been together 14 years, owned a home and had lived together for five years. Their reason for marrying was to start a family. I can't understand wanting to marry in your situation.

I think you’d be better off moving out of your parent’s home before getting married. If you are independent from them, then you are not as vulnerable from losing your home if/when they find out.

Also, what is the driver for not living together before marriage? It can be really beneficial to see if you work as a couple, before getting married.

Are you in a financial position to move out?
Maybe you should actually, you know, go he an adult and live independently before you get married. I’m guessing your barely out of your teens.

This seems back-to-front. Put the wishes of your intended & yourself first, and parents second.

We’ve spent a lot of time together in person and have been on holidays together, I just choose not to uproot my life till I have the protections of a marriage. They’ve made it clear through multiple conversations that they don’t accept it, they’ll only accept a man from a family they approve of, I have a gay relative so it’s something I’ve heard before. As selfish as it is, I have a better quality of life at home than where my partner lives so I would put a deposit in for my own place, I don’t want to rent.

Once you marry this woman, move out and live with her, your parents will disapprove anyway, or even cut you off, so it's better to let them know unless you feel you are at risk, OP.

I agree with everyone saying that I would live together before marriage though, it seems like you are using this marriage as a way out from your difficult living situation.

It's very hard, could you get advice or support from a community organization that deals with LGBT issues?

Why are you living with people who won't accept your sexuality or partner? This must be immensely damaging for you and for her.

And then what? Will you carry on living there, away from your wife and pretending you are single? Just bizarre. What would the marriage even mean if you spend all day pretending it doesn't exist?

Move out. Tell them your sexuality and that either they put their bigotry and prejudice aside (religion is not excuse) and accept your partner or if they won't, start your new life with your partner.

Do not rush into marriage, if you haven't even lived together yet. Just get out of this toxic environment with people who will not accept you.

Marry who you want, but seems young. Assume you'll move out before you marry and will inform your parents, just not invite them.