Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

I would not marry without telling your parents. I would give them one last chance to do the right thing and stand up to support you and your spouse.

to facilitate that opportunity, you need to secure housing before your marriage. Since you know your parents are likely to disappoint and continue to be bigots, you need to be ready to leave their home immediately.

If you are ready to buy a home, then the time is now. You don’t have to physically move in until after the wedding if your parents shock you and welcome you fiancé. Just in case, you should have the house ready, so you have somewhere to go the day you tell them if it all goes wrong.

But the law on marital assets is the same whatever culture you are from.

You need to live independently before contemplating getting married whether you are marrying a woman or a man as going straight from living at home to getting married and living with your partner whilst you are still so young is a recipe for disaster.

Years ago it was the norm to still live at home but in todays modern world you need to find out who you really are and live by yourself.

The person you are now will change a lot after independent living as you will grow up a lot.

Don't do anything deceitful behind your parents back as that is wrong. They have are currently providing you with a home even though you are an adult so even if their religious beliefs are not compatible with your sex life it would be wrong to be deceitful.

Yes we do, it is actually quite a normal conversation in my family to have, every time I’ve been in conversations with men I have liked with my family, we always talk about how everything would work when married and what would happen if it didn’t and how issues would be dealt with, in my background we have a financial amount or a gold cash equivalent in case the marriage doesn’t work out so the bride has something to see her through upon divorce. So my promise to her would be she can absolutely keep her flat and maintain that security but she would also still have the marital home. I wouldn’t kick her out.

All of this.

You don't want to OP, ironically because you have pretty fixed and immature planning. Because you're very young. Which is exactly why you shouldn't marry right now.

But you have obviously decided this is the route you want to take. It will almost definitely go wrong, but sometimes you have to make the mistakes yourself. Make sure the 'buying a house with someone you've never lived with' doesn't involve losing all your money.

This would be my advice too.

if you plan on having a house that you expect to not share in a divorce situation then you need to have that in place and legally ring fenced (at least the deposits) before the marriage takes place. Although even then depending on how you both live it will still be subject (and rightly so if one person can’t work because they are raising family and allowing the other’s career to flourish) to being split partly as a marital asset.

moving into your own mortgaged home yourself, telling your parents you firstly are in a relationship with a woman and that you are engaged to be married then planning the wedding and then moving into together afterwards gives everyone the time they need (including you) to become independent have time to get used to the idea and also legally to sort everything to make sure you both are properly protected.

You need to move out of your parents home if you're getting married anyway. So surely just focus on if you and your fiancée can live together comfortably in a relationship. Then if that works get married. If your parents are really homophobic there might be not much you can say, but if they see you and your partner being a successful partnership they might have no choice but to accept you've made the right decision.

Establish your independance.
Stay friends with your family. You don't have to share their beliefs, but even so, they are allowed them. I learnt this the hard way myself, marrying into a family with generations of religious beliefs behind them, as solid a rockface. It took me a long time to realise that my MIL was not been unkind to me as much as sticking to the only world she knew and understood.
Try not to be what might be perceived as a brat.

That is just so incredibly sad.
Could they not get their heads around it?

If they really cannot accept a same sex marriage, then it will be difficult to have them there.

Hopefully they can come to terms with it.

Totally fine to get married without telling your parents, but you can't hide your wife away forever. What about traditional times of year where you might want to be together but also are expected to see family?

I would also make sure you legally know what rights your wife will have over the house especially if you're putting in a much larger deposit. You don't have to do anything differently, but you must know legally how things change on marriage so you are making informed decisions. The protection of marriage works in both directions.

There is nothing wrong with living at home until you get married and move out, but it would be very strange and I think unfair to your parents to marry in secret and continue to live at home.

They have different beliefs, and while I don't agree with their feelings about same sex relationships, it seems sly to keep your marriage from them while benefitting from the opportunity to live in their presumably comfortable home, while saving for your mortgage.

So if you want to keep your relationship secret, that's fine, but move out before you get married.

I agree 100% with this.

I don’t agree with the first part because if I was marrying a man this is exactly how I would do it the only difference is my parents would support me but I can completely appreciate the rest of your post, I cannot be deceitful with my parents it might be different now as I am marrying a woman so i will have to come clean and if the plan changes, it changes but my parents have said their duty is life long, they will

Live your life on your terms and be happy.

Re the question in your OP, no you are not being unreasonable. Entirely reasonable actually.
But you are being unrealistic about your relationship. For now it is allowing you to be the person you want to be, ie a gay woman and the same for your partner. That's incredibly powerful after years of struggle, keeping it secret, accepting it yourself and so on. But what you are likely to find is that once you've achieved a life where you can live it the way you want to, your partner won't be so important any more and the cracks will begin to show. Same for her.
Of course, it might be that two women who met at, what 20 and 23, and who have presumably never been in a same sex relationship, or not a serious one at least, have struck gold and found the love of their life with their first relationship. But it's unlikely.
That's not to pour cold water on it. Enjoy the relationship you have but don't think about getting married to her or anyone else until you've lived a whole lot more.
That's my advice which you will no doubt ignore! Best of luck to you both.

Thank you for clarifying that, appreciated, and I am quite willing to learn about different cultures.

Personally I think you’re hedging your bets. You obviously live very comfortable at home.
you mention that you haven't got your mortgage yet. I think you’re not telling your parents because just in case you don’t get the mortgage you are still safe at home.

tbh you know the answer: this has to be only your decision not strangers on the internet. I am religious also and what would I do if you were my daughter?!!!! _ absolutely nothing. What do you expect me or would expect me doing is the question to start with.

so ok, according to the Bible and their religious views what you are going to do is not acceptable to them; second you are going to lie to them by omitting your life plans which is a second non acceptable ( both have biblical names)

what we are supposed to advise you?

my only word is: go and do as you wish or are you have secret religious thoughts also and need that being answered? You can pm if you want. I don't do gay conversion, no worries, only give a listening ear

This. Is this a British legal marriage or some other made up one that is not legal in the UK? It matters.

For what its worth I think you should get married and be upfront. The UK is very accepting of the LGBT+ community thankfully and mostly bigotry is not welcome here.

"Your" house will be marital assets - if you split, she will be entitled to half surely? That's the financial protection of marriage.

They are Muslim i hedge my bets not Christian

I could be wrong but I don’t think OP’s parents are Christian.

I don't think anyone is saying you should move into her flat and then get married.

We;re saying to get your own place, move there. Then decide what to do. That way if anything goes wrong, you have your own place, that pre-dates any marriage. That gives you security.

There are loads of communities i live in dewsbury big Muslim community and let me tell you I highly doubt many would be so cool about lgbt child so yes Britain is but there are pockets where no not good at all

Have you heard of different cultures? Not everyone is from a British culture.

"Cultures" are completely irrelevant to this. We all have "cultures". If you are using that term as a euphemism for people coming from different countries then I have family and friends from all over the world. If you are trying to use "culture" as a euphemism for religion-based homophobia then as someone who is gay and wants to marry a woman you're going to need to break free from this and stop pretending it's acceptable, because as you know, it isn't.

The facts remain:

You are living with parents who have no idea you are gay because you like that it gives you a more comfortable lifestyle.

You claim you want to marry a woman but won't even admit to your family she exists so clearly you are not mature enough to enter into a marriage.

You say you have sufficient money to leave and be honest bit you choose to continue to lie to your parents and behave in this dysfunctional way to your supposed-future wife.

You don't appear to have ever lived independently.

You've made comments about marriage that show you have no understanding of what it is, as a legal contract, and what that entails in terms of assets.

You've made immature assertions about you being unable to behave in an honest manner and treat both your family and partner with respect by being honest because of some clinging to a pointless belief that you must marry someone you've never spent a significant amount of time with in normal day to day living situations, on the basis that your "culture" says you should, even though this would obviously be very unwise and is pointless to do so on that basis when marrying/ living with that person is a far bigger breach of your "cultural" issues anyway because the homophobic family will take far greater exception to her being female than to whether you cohabited before marriage, as you know. And you don't even have to cohabit, you could just move out (which you can afford) and try living as an independent adult and tell your parents the truth and live with some integrity, then date your girlfriend openly and stop living a double life.

There are no "cultural" reasons to justify this. It is the antithesis of what "culture" means.