Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

You are being incredibly selfish OP. You are mooching off your, admittedly homophobic sounding, parents, purely because you like the lifestyle. You are also being horrible to your would be wife. You're not thinking of what she needs, you're just trying to make her fit into whatever way of living best suits YOU.

There's nowt wrong with waiting until marriage to live with each other. Many of my religious heterosexual friends who got married in their 20s did this, perfectly acceptable. Just because you are marrying a woman doesn't mean you need to change this aspect of tradition.

You should move out as soon as you're married, and let your family deal with the fall out from the safety of your new accommodation. Assuming of course that the two of you are in a position to finance a life together.

That’s why I am putting a deposit in for my own house, that way if the marriage doesn’t work she goes back to her flat which I will happily pay for her to keep and I stay in my house. That way i don’t end up with no house and no way back to my parents.

It’s a complicated situation and I’m really sorry that religion has dictated these barriers and prejudices towards you. I couldn’t imagine being like that to my own kids.

At least you both understand the fallouts that could come. I really wouldn’t be trying to get married right now whether openly or secretly, it’s too much to have on your plate at your age when you really don’t need to. Can you both focus on building independent lives away from your parents, which will put you in a stronger position than being dependent on them for a roof over your head.

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. And short sighted. This is your life, and I think you’re about to make things a million times more difficult for yourself.

In your position, I’d sort your mortgage out and move into your own home. Then tell your parents about your sexuality and that you intend to marry her eventually. I know they don’t approve of your gay relative but if there is ever any chance of you having any kind of relationship with them, or of your marriage working out without your wife feeling like she has been kept as a dirty secret, then you have to be honest. That might mean your parents walking away from you, but the alternative is to spend a life time hiding and lying about who you are. You’re doing nothing wrong and you shouldn’t have to pretend you’re someone else. The longer they have to get accustomed to the idea, the more chance there is of having some sort of relationship with them in the future, even if they don’t attend the wedding itself. And, at least, this way if your parents react badly and living with your new wife goes terribly wrong (because spending lots of time with someone is NOT the same as living with them) you still have your own home that nobody can take from you, if you get legal advice about marital property first.

If you get married on a Saturday and propose to leave your parents home and begin living with your partner on a Sunday, how will that work? Are you thinking that your parents won’t notice you starting to pack your stuff up? Or your wedding outfit? How will you get your stuff out without them asking you who you’re going to be living with and why you haven’t told them before? Do you not think that just upping and going one day is going to cause such an explosion in all your lives that relationships will never recover?

I think it’s disrespectful to be taking benefit of their support and hospitality but then sneaking around. You are an adult. Live as an adult in your own home then make decision that feels right. I think the cake and eat it approach doesn’t work. It’s also very different living with someone to holidaying.

Thank you for this, this is exactly what my plan is, to get married and to move out into a mortgaged house so if my family do take a massive offence to the marriage, me and my wife to be can enjoy life together. I wouldn’t want to let go of any traditions of parts of the religion as they are very dear to me and I think people are assuming that my wife doesn’t have any say in this when I’ve always been upfront from the start and considered her views to, I wanted to get my own place then marry her and move in but she wanted to marry me first before all of this so I respected her wishes enough to do this.

You're asking the wrong question, though. That's what people are telling you.
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That’s why I am putting a deposit in for my own house, that way if the marriage doesn’t work she goes back to her flat which I will happily pay for her to keep and I stay in my house. That way i don’t end up with no house and no way back to my parents.

You are showing here how immature you are and that you don't have the faintest idea what marriage is. That is not what happens to assets upon divorce.

Again, you need to move out on your own, tell your parents the truth, grow up, live independently for a while, see how the relationship with your partner develops and read up about what marriage actually is per the law before you make any decisions about that. You sound like a teenager with these posts!

As soon as you marry the house becomes the martial home. It's not your own house anymore. She can refuse to leave and there is nothing you can do about it.

This is a mind-boggling post: someone defending this level of homophobia and going along with it because it makes their life more comfortable, but professing they want to marry their partner who they keep a secret so have no respect for, and simultaneously not having the faintest idea about what a marriage contract actually entails.

Yes she can register matrimonial home rights even if house in your sole name so she can’t be thrown out. It’s an important distinction between cohabitation and marriage. CAB has a good guide to legal implications of marriage.

How are you going to pay for her flat if you’re paying a mortgage for your house?

Have you heard of different cultures? Not everyone is from a British culture.

You are cynically using your parents. Rightly or wrongly, depending on culture/beliefs they are going to realise this and be very hurt indeed. Have they done anything to deserve this?
You should at least have the decency to move out first. Then you should explain your situation, kindly, without pontificating on your rights. Not until you have established your financial and lifestyle independence should you go ahead with getting married.

Pretty easily, doesn’t cost her much.

Hmmm…. My first response was based upon you being from a western culture, and just two females getting together. But there are all sorts of other issues at play here. I would put your own safety and happiness first, and hope for the best from when you finally do marry. I think you might find living a double life very stressful though. Aside from your parents not approving, please say you won’t be in any kind of danger, physical or mental🙁

What kind of marriage are we talking about here? A legal one?

No, you don’t ‘need’ to move out before marriage, but clinging on to a culture that means you have to hide who you are, lie to everyone and sneak away from your family home, isn’t exactly working out for you right now, is it?

You’ve got a lot of very experienced and sensible women trying to give you advice so you’re not jumping from one gilded cage to another. Perhaps you should consider what is being said rather than immediately ruling it out because it’s not the norm in your life.

I get the impression you may not know any fellow lesbians from your faith beyond your partner? I'd encourage you to find that community by contacting a specific support group like African Rainbow Family, British Asian LGBTI or Hidayah LGBTQI+. I think it might help you to hear from others how they dealt with issues like these.

In the meantime, don't tell them you're gay. You moving out will probably be judged enough as it is. You can always make the decision to tell them months or years later. I know some people wait until their most judgmental parent has died...

@YourLilacCat I think saving for your own house is a great idea. What I would say is get your own house sorted it’s at this point your parents will find out anyway so might as well tell them you are marrying a woman.
My SIL had a really hard time with her parents. The first time I met her I straight up asked my DH if the woman in question was her partner, my DH wasn’t surprised at all when I asked. Their parents were in total denial and dead set against it. Despite everything they went through, I’m sure I don’t even know half of it, they supported her through her wedding. I think giving them the option rather than marrying secretly and completely taking it away from them. You really just never know, everyone was gobsmacked about the turn around with my in-laws. SIL has since had a baby and outside of their friends they are their biggest supporters. Sometimes people surprise you.

I’m aware of it. But I can live there regardless, if I move into her flat unmarried she can ask me to leave and I can’t just stay there. With my plan me and her are both protected but I know her well enough to know she would go back to her own flat. I don’t see why other people think me and my wife to be should disregard our own morals and values just because we are a same sex couple.

but she wanted to marry me first before all of this so I respected her wishes enough to do this.

Oh ok, a different story now. How strange.

And you have no concerns that this house you will buy will be a joint marital asset with a person you've never lived with, of whom your family are not even aware of the existence, and have never lived with or spent more sustained time with than a few days of holiday?

Like I said: move out, live independently, grow up, stand up to your parents' bigotry and live an authentic life, and also read up about marriage and what it actually means in law. Maybe after a few years you'll be mature enough to contemplate it but it is not what you need to be focusing on right now with this level of immaturity.

If you’re in the U.K. it doesn’t matter what your culture is, you’d be marrying and divorcing according to British laws and you don’t get to choose how finances would be settled and split.

Tell them the truth, get married, and move out. 🙂