Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

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My family aren’t English so I am not getting into any conversations about my family background, we both have religious families and I’m doing the way that suits me that she is happy with, I just want people to reply to my question. If they don’t want to that’s fine

@YourLilacCat We’ve decided we won’t live together until we are married

Well that's spectacularly foolish! Many, many relationships have ended after living together and seeing each other's quirks, habits & flaws. Things you absolutely cannot see or discover about each other without actually living together.

No be an honest grown up and tell them don't hide from the fall out.....but your posts suggests your not ready for the commitment.

You have to live your own life and if you have found a partner whom you want to marry, go ahead. However you cannot do that and live with your parents. The first step is to move out.
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I've just read that you do not want to move out at the moment for various reasons (sorry I missed that before).

Try to get enough money together for your house deposit as soon as you can, buy your property, then move out and get married. That is how it used to be done years ago, is quite normal.

The difference in your case is that you are intending to marry another woman and your parents won't like it.

However you are a grown up and must strike out on your own at some time. Parents may come round, they may not but if you are gay that is just how it is, you can't pretend otherwise.

I do feel for you, nobody wants to be cut off from parents but trying to conform to their norms will cause more harm in the long run.

Good luck.

Some very odd reasoning here. The smoothest transition would be to try living together. Tell your parents you are moving out to be flat mates. Once you gave both agreed that living as a couple suits you, solemnise the relationship and buy a property together. Getting married secretly while living under your parents’ roof sounds awfully childish.

No, you are being unreasonable and immature.

Getting married means that if you find that living with your partner is impossible, you're then legally tied to that person. So fixing the mess when it turns out you're not actually compatible long term will be a nightmare.

Move out to your own place.

Then live with someone.

Then get married.

Why is there any rush to marry this woman if you're not going to live with her until you've got your own place? Surely save up, get the place, then marry.

There is also a lot to be said for living on your own first - particularly as you're coming out of living in a very controlling environment with your parents. You need to know you can actually manage a home by yourself I think.

If you were not living with them, then I don't think theres any need to tell your parents.

However you are, and you intend to keep living with them, presumably very cheaply so you can save up - knowing that if they knew you were married they'd probably kick you out.

Regardless of their unpleasant and ignorant beliefs, being a liar is not great either!

Yes.
Yes, hiding any kind of “marriage” is unreasonable.

@YourLilacCat I have a better quality of life at home than where my partner lives

So you're happy to slag them off & complain about them online, whilst also being happy to indulge in the benefits and the comforts of their home?! Funny that

I am not getting into this. We are not from a western family background, we don’t need to move out before marriage.

I think it would immature behaviour and not conducive to good relations with your parents, so unreasonable yes although that's not exactly the word I would use in these circumstances. I think part of living in the comfort of your parents' home with all the benefits that brings you is that you have to compromise somewhat and respect their wishes even if they do not align with your own. I think the second you become independent, you can do whatever you like and they can like it or lump it, but again, you'd be well advised even then not to fan the flames of an argument, so for instance by telling them openly what you plan to do and why, and by sticking to your guns at that point even if they don't like it.

I could easily rent or move in with her but i don’t want to, I prefer to live comfortably at home
Please don't marry her. You don't really love her.

@YourLilacCat I don't think you're unreasonable at all! Given the attitudes of your parents and your own views about marriage I think what you're proposing is fine. As long as you and your wife-to-be agree on the plan together just crack on.
I don't think people are recognising how very different it is to their own experiences and circumstances to be living with parents with the culture and beliefs that yours have.
You do what you have to do...
Best of luck.

Will you be in any danger if you marry?

Once you are able to move out then you’ll need to weigh up the pros and cons of telling your parents or marrying in secret (can you cope with being disowned etc). You’ll never be able to keep it secret forever as they’ll want to visit when you have your own place, you can’t hide your wife away forever.

Where have I slagged them off online? I am not posting anything about them so people don’t slag them off, I love my parents and I’m not having people on the internet make comments about them so I will not be answering certain questions.

There is no global background in which marrying someone without telling your parents when you’re living in their house is not ridiculous and immature.

I don’t know why you’re so determined to stick to the conventions of your culture to leave your home only for marriage when you’re marrying someone your culture will never approve of anyway!

It doesn't matter if your family is "English". They are homophobic. You are gay. You need to leave.

Have some integrity. Tell them who you are and stop hiding it to sponge off them for a more comfortable standard of living despite their disgusting prejudices and you having to then pretend to be someone else and disrespect your partner by pretending she doesn't exist while also simultaneously claiming you want to marry her.

You are not mature enough to get married if you cannot even have an honest conversation with your parents and aren't prepared to live independently from them so that you can have a functional relationship and stop lying, despite the fact you must know how this must be hurting your partner.

Move out, on your own ideally. Grow up. Tell your parents the truth. Develop your relationship with your partner, apologise for how you've treated her to date and maybe considering moving in together after a year or two once you have dealt with any fallout from your family, and marrying some time later if you both still want to.

You need to start behaving like an adult, not sneaking around behind your parents' backs like a teenager and then expecting anybody to take you seriously as someone capable of an adult relationship let alone a marriage, if your commitment to her doesn't even extend to admitting that she exists, as though it's something shameful.

In my country of origin absolutely I would be. But in the uk, no. My wife to be has religious family that also aren’t aware yet or may not ever know, me and her are in the same situation and we have both been upfront. I think it is food for thought though, neither of us want to be disowned but we will have to face it at some point because like you said, we can’t hide each other just to keep peace with family.

So where will your wife live after you’re married?

YANBU OP marry who you want to marry but move out of your parents home.

I just wanted to be married before moving out because that’s all we have ever done in my family and in hers, I really wanted to keep to tradition so it doesn’t feel drastically different. I wasn’t expecting people asking if I would move out before that, I just wanted a simple yes or no post about my parents.

Don't get married if your plan is to stay living with your parents. You don't know you can live independently and your current plan is to financially support your gf while giving her the rights to half of your house straight away. You could end up with no house and no way back to your parents if living together doesn't work.

But all you have ever done in your families is have heterosexual marriages.

This is a completely new situation and all the old conventions do not apply.

Anyway - you’ve had your answer - it’s a ludicrous suggestion.

Tell your parents you're moving out. Get married. Move in with wife the day of your wedding. This is the tradition in many places, I guess the only difference is you won't be inviting your parents so won't be letting them know why you're moving out.

But your family has also prohibited marriages like yours would be, and will not recognise it as such. Their "culture" is homophobic and their traditions are designed to reinforce this. They'll be far more "upset" about the fact you are gay than whether you cohabited before marriage. These are just excuses.

Don't cohabit then: just get your own place, tell your parents you are gay and in a serious committed relationship, and spend lots of time at her house/ your house for several years with you actually living as an independent adult and then marry if you want. Just stop making excuses to try to lie to everyone to placate their homophobia. No "cultural reasons" or "religious reasons" make it acceptable so have some integrity and stop living a double life.