Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

Well you're clearly aiming to break other cultural/religious mores so what's the difference?

And you're asking mostly western women for their opinion!

Keeping a wedding hidden while living with your parents and keeping a wife hidden so you have comforts to go back to if the marriage doesn’t work is disrespectful to all parties (including yourself) regardless of religion or culture

Let me settle a few things

• it was her idea to marry first, I would have happily got my own place then married her and moved in straight away but she wants me to be married to her sooner and me and her have both discussed this at length and she is ok with waiting till me and her have our own place together
• Just because we are a same sex couple doesn’t mean we have to forgo our culture or our values and beliefs
• She is in the same situation as me hence me and her have no issue with some of the points being brought up, I understand your opinions about moving out before marriage but me and her won’t do this
• i wouldn’t be in any danger in the uk for our marriage but we would be in my country of origin

Thank you for all the points people have made that have actually been relevant to my question.

You realise that if you are married before buying a house, that will affect the mortgage paperwork/borrowing amounts etc, and that obviously the house will be marital property even if purchased just in your name?

In your plan where you stay living with your parents and pretending you are unmarried in this period, be aware that if they want to oversee your house purchase this will out you both.

Your parents may well relent if you tell them. It depends whether they love you more than their principles. Get your ducks in a row for moving out but I would then tell them what you’re planning. Lying never ends well. They will then either behave how you expect them to or when faced with the choice of never seeing you again they may actually choose you!

I hope the posters accusing you of mooching donate generously to LGBTQ+ youth homelessness charities.

Ok I accept you are not from a British culture prob Muslim. Now you say uiur family won't accept it but u gotta tell them unless you fear for your life? There are charities i live in dewsbury near bradford and if they force you to marry a man that is illegal is that your fear? Because what i am wondering regardless whether u marry her why not tell them. Then they get to decide how they process it it may be that they actually come back and be OK. Are you worried that they chuck you out? If they do then you would have to turn your back on ur culture that dont want uou any way.
Secondly would they say tell you yo marry a gay Muslim man to look like normal couple but you both have your partners say live with both of u would that work? I have heard of that before.

I guess all cultures have their entitled and immature members. Have you discussed this with your siblings?

Have you considered that you are mistaking the excitement of finding someone attractive sexually and romantically with the hard slog of grown up life long commitment.

I don’t see why other people think me and my wife to be should disregard our own morals and values just because we are a same sex couple

Nobody is expecting you to do that. They’re trying to help you. Get your own place and move into it by yourself. Tell your parents. Plan your wedding. Have your partner move in straight after your wedding. Why is this so difficult? That way, you can’t be chucked out, your parents have a chance to get used to it and you’re not sacrificing any of your morals or values.

Yes, you would be unreasonable going behind their back. That would be selfish and deceitful, and highlights how immature you sound. Move out before you make a commitment to anyone.

You don't seem to have the slightest idea of what marriage is and what is entails, legally. Save for your own house, buy it, and see how the relationship pans out in a few years.

I think it's maybe something you would regret doing. They'll find out eventually and you'll need to deal with that then, the being married and lying. You would be best telling them now. You've nothing to be ashamed of or hide. Be honest with them so you can be free of guilt to enjoy your day.
If you don't feel like you can do this just now maybe wait a little while , perhaps another 6 months or so until you feel more able to.
I hope you have a fabulous wedding and long and happy marriage with it comes.

I wouldn’t come back to my parent’s house if the marriage didn’t work, I just wouldn’t move into somewhere that wasn’t also mine if I’m not married because then I would have to come back to my parent’s house and while they would take me back, it’s not something I would do. They don’t consider it a proper marriage so in their eyes I’m still in the wrong. But it’s about me and my wife to be really, you are right that it would be disrespectful to my parents and there would still be a lot feelings hurt so I would need to navigate that.

Why are people saying she's immature let me tell u I am white i see the Muslim community around here and man alive the family dynamics I could imagine uts bloody hard turning your back on that. The thing is to Asian families tend to baby their kids as well the lads round here have shit load of cash for cars as they all live at home and pay not much for that not like our culture which many times wants shot of family

It was her idea to marry first, I would have happily got my own place then married her and moved in straight away but she wants me to be married to her sooner and me and her have both discussed this at length and she is ok with waiting till me and her have our own place together

I’ve missed why she wants to get married immediately and what changed your mind about getting your own place first

You are being unreasonable hiding the marriage. If they, or anyone else, don't agree with it then that's their problem, we all make our own choices in life. However, you are also coming across as immature. Spending time together and going on holiday every now and then is a million miles away from living together under the same roof.
Live together first and let the dust settle.

This in a nutshell shows why pride etc is needed for lgbg people and that we need to be getting liberal imans and there are some to be persuading that it's OK to be lgbt

Yes I think it is unreasonable tbf. It seems dishonest . I would imagine it is quite difficult to live with them and not feel like you're lying constantly about what you're doing, where you're going etc. plus they are covering some of your expenses so you can save. It feels a huge slap in the face to be deceived. If they can't handle your news then I think you're right to step away even if that means your financial planning re housing and future take a bit of a hit. At least you'll feel more free and independent. Best of luck .

I’ll definitely need to think about the impact of keeping it a secret from my family, and she will for her family members, we just didn’t want any further trouble for us but we can’t keep it hidden for long so we will have to tell them. But I will have to have a proper discussion with her about the mortgage application, I think after reading the comments it would be best to secure a place then marry and just tell them at the same time as the invites but it does depend what she says, I have to factor her feelings into it.

MOVE OUT FIRST

I am trying to get my head around planning a gay marriage under quite difficult circumstances, trying to maintain as much of your culture and values as you can, but, and this is the hard one for me, you actually have a plan of how you think you can live if your marriage doesn’t work out, vis, the house and the flat🤔 I can understand the first two, difficult though it might be, but the last one doesn’t smack of any kind of marriage commitment to each other at all. You are planning essentially to fail.

Am I understanding correctly that the whole thing is being organised around the fact that with your cultural backround it not acceptable to move out of your parents before marriage?

That is very true, I think it would kill me and them mentally lying to them about everything, the more I think about it the more I realise i couldn’t do it! I wanted to keep her happy cos she wanted the wedding sooner but I also wanted to put the mortgage application through beforehand. Me and her will have to at least postpone the wedding till the mortgage goes through or use what we planned for something else for both.

Too young.
Live together first.