Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

As a parent, this is what struck me most too. The utter disrespect and the shameless sponging off her parents. Unacceptable in any culture.

Reading between the lines, it appears OP comes from a Muslim family where her identity will NEVER be accepted, posing serious risks to her safety—even her life—if her family or community were to find out. The potential for public shame on her entire family is a reality that’s difficult to grasp from a Western perspective.
While some comments may be well-intentioned, they can come across as harsh.
Please prioritise your safety, OP. Buying your own house sounds like a fantastic plan. Continue seeing your girlfriend, and once you’ve moved out, you’ll likely feel a greater sense of freedom. Please don't rush into marriage, it's a massive contract, quite hard to get out of if it doesn't work out.

“but I respected their beliefs (even though I disagreed with them) enough to abide by them when I was in their home.”

I applaud you. That’s the only honourable way to navigate these sorts of issues. Deception is rotten.

Thanks for posting this, which I suspect most people (including me) were unaware of. Really interesting to consider what lies behind those statistics.

Sophia, one thing is women are more likely to intiate divorce anyway, so times two..

Yes

It's unreasonable to get married without telling your parents

You're young to be getting married, and have never lived independently of your parents by the sound of it. Why not move in to a house share for a while and find your feet before committing to marriage? It will take longer to save a deposit, but life's not all about money.

Too young.

QueenCamilla, I don't know if op is doing this, but butch lesbians exist in lots of cultures, & typically want to take the good parts of masculinity, so try to be the protector. But in the good type of these relationships, the other woman protects & supports too, just in a different way. Butch women who get into relationships where they do all the work etc that as op seems to want to do often end up having their good nature taken advantage of. Op is indeed putting herself in a vulnerable position. There's a time & place for subverting masculine cultural norms, if that's what she wants to do, but this is not it.
Also, if she wants to take the traditionally male aspects of the relationship on, that could also provoke violence from men who feel she's usurping their prerogative. Safety first, OP. Please be careful w your parents & try to be independent.

Are you in the UK now, though? If so, it won't matter whether you come from a different culture - if you get married in the UK, you will be subject to the UK marriage & divorce laws. Your house will become a marital asset.

OP have you had any other relationships before this one? With men or women? Have you ever lived away from home-university etc? Why don't you buy your house, have your gf move in as a houseguest/flatmate and see how you get on Iiving in the same space? You can keep to having separate rooms/spaces while you got to know each other as housemates if that satisfies your morals on not living together until marriage. Then move into one bedroom after marriage. It's a compromise. Learn to live with someone not your parents first, then decide on marriage. I'd suggest the same if it was a boyfriend not girlfriend and you were determined to marry.

I really wouldn’t.

Your young. Move out. Get married.

Im just imagining worst case scenario here which is you still living with your parents. Something happens to you. They have no idea that you’re in a relationship let alone married and there’s a huge argument in the hospital about next of kin.

Yes it’s unlikely but it’s just the absolute insane thing that would only happen in a movie; yet as I have aged I have realised life is way more insane than the movies. This is the kind of shit which absolutely does happen.

Ah that’s sad- I hope with time you can all reconcile as a family.

Agree with
RobinStrike above

I've followed through this thread and it seems you've decided what you're going to do and reject most of the sensible advice given here. So what's the point of the thread?

I think it reads like you want the bits of "tradition" that suit you (not living together before marriage) but not the bits you don't like (your parents' homophobia). Real life doesn't work like that.

You should buy your own place and live your own life in it, conducting your relationship, before marriage. If your parents can't understand that choice, that's your window to talk to them about being a lesbian. Hopefully you will only get married once (though the stats are against you on that), and not giving your parents the opportunity to be involved is a one time thing you can't reverse. With some time to get used to the idea that it's happening whether or not they like it, they might surprise you.

I don't know your background but my background includes very Catholic family I thought would never accept my choice - they have, wholeheartedly (after the initial fall out). Likewise my best friend is from a traditional Indian family and I never expected her family to accept my choice. They did. Give people a chance to surprise you.

@SophiaCohle "Thanks for posting this, which I suspect most people (including me) were unaware of. Really interesting to consider what lies behind those statistics."

I think a large part of what drives this is the lesbian U-Haul cliché that as soon as you're in a relationship (including affairs), it's all in. Certainly that's been my experience. My wife left me for someone she'd known little more than a week and moved in with her immediately (2 broken marriages and kids involved on both sides). When I picked myself off the floor and tried dating, I found it was similarly intense. That wasn't what I wanted.

When I discovered XW's affair, I didn't want to break up, even though I never thought I could tolerate infidelity. We'd had nearly a decade together, and DC. But XW was absolutely intent on this new connection with someone she barely knew. I still can't get my head around it and am wary of dating again given the pressure there seems to be on locking down into a very committed relationship very quickly.

Thorn, surely that's the same as many Christians who cohabit before marriage even though in the Bible, by at least some interpretations, that's fornication?

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, @Elektra1.

Elektra, that's awful.

I feel like part of the reason for the intensity & divorce rate is that there's a reduced dating pool so people hang on when they find someone even when they're not compatible, & also the stress of homophobia, but in your case you met a horrible person who used intensity etc as an excuse.
I hope now marriage has been here for 10 years & people are mostly accepting, U-hauling will start to level out. But now there's the new stress of all the men-in-women's-clothing intruders, & younger butches transitioning.

What does U hauling mean please. ?

U-hauling comes from a Lea de Laria joke that on 2nd dates lesbians bring a U-haul (a type of US truck) bc, both being women, they get intense v quick & want to move in together. Obvs not true for many.