Marrying a woman behind my parents back

[YourLilacCat]

My parents are religious and have made it clear they will never accept a gay marriage/gay partnership or any type of same sex relationship, so would I be unreasonable to get married to my female partner regardless and just not tell them? I live in their home.

Spending a lot of time together is not the same as living together. You will both have different ways of doing things and many relationships fail once you live together after years of dating. A holiday is not the same.

i do think living together, at least for a few months, would end up being money well spent. I also think once you’ve moved out and living with her, you can tell your parents and give them the opportunity to be there for you. You could be pleasantly surprised.

continuing to live with them and hiding who you are so you can have a better standard of living and then sneaking off to get married without telling them (and potentially having a row with them) all seems a bit immature.

I think you lose some of the moral highground when you're happy to mooch off your parents while living a double life. It would drive most adults insane. Whether you live with your GF or not, you need to be an independent adult before rushing into marriage.

Why don't you assert some independence before getting married? Seems to me you could move out, live without your parents ta and experience adult life without homophobic parents looking over you? Then if you still want to marry your GF then go for it.

I wouldn't go down the route you're talking about, getting married in secret to someone you've never lived with without experiencing adulthood without your parents.

Sorry for random sentence structures, my phone screen doesn't like the sun

We’ve spent a lot of time together in person and have been on holidays together, I just choose not to uproot my life till I have the protections of a marriage. They’ve made it clear through multiple conversations that they don’t accept it, they’ll only accept a man from a family they approve of, I have a gay relative so it’s something I’ve heard before. As selfish as it is, I have a better quality of life at home than where my partner lives so I would put a deposit in for my own place, I don’t want to rent.

This makes no sense. You have no life because you are living a lie.

Going on holidays isn't the same as living together through daily domestic drudge long-term. It sounds like you've never even lived away from your parents?

Get out of this toxic environment, ideally move out on your own. Then develop your relationship with your girlfriend properly spending time with each other more gradually until you decide you are comfortable with being an independent adult, and also ready to move in with her. Then, if you wish to, marry her 2-3 years after you start co-habiting.

The first step to take here isn't marriage, it is moving away from your toxic and homophobic family and living as an independent adult.

In these circumstances I think it’s ridiculous.

If you are living together or at least as a couple that’s one thing but this is ridiculous.
If she’s worth marrying, then she’s worth coming out for.

What do you think your parents are going to think if you move in with her? Are you going to set up two separate bedrooms?

If you're grown up enough to get married you're grown up enough to tell them and face the consequences

I could easily rent or move in with her but i don’t want to, I prefer to live comfortably at home put a deposit in for my own house and then move into my house with my wife, i won’t risk my current living situation for someone I am not married to, that’s a personal boundary of mine, she wants to marry soon so I’ve told her i will if she waits for my mortgage to go through. My plan is either:

• marry her and sort my own house then move in with her and then tell my parents
• Marry her, sort my own house out and not tell them
not to
• Tell them about the marriage, risk the fall out, losing a place at my parents and then having to sort my own house out while paying someone else’s rent

I would rather have the first or second option. So my question was whether I was unreasonable to hide the marriage or tell them about the marriage

I think it's about time you moved out of your parents house and in with your girlfriend before you even think of getting married.
You can't escape your parents by getting married. You need to be independent first.

I would focus on building your career so you can be financially independent. That's the kind of protection you should be seeking. Not the "protections of a marriage". Otherwise you're just jumping from the protection of parents to the protection of your wife. You need some time where you stand on your own 2 feet and (if you don't have it already) build a network of friends.

Going on holiday with someone and spending a lot of time with them is vastly different to living with them. I would always advise people to live together first before getting married. That's when you deeply get to know someone.

My post isn’t about moving out before marriage it’s not something I’m doing so please don’t suggest it, I just want an idea if I’m unreasonable hiding the marriage or not

We’ve spent a lot of time together in person and have been on holidays together, I just choose not to uproot my life till I have the protections of a marriage.

Spending time together is nowhere near the same as living together, day in and day out and dealing with domestic drudgery and bills.
Also the 'protections of a marriage' bit means nothing. Married people are unhappy, married people cheat, married people divorce. It doesn't mean you are more protected being married than not married.

Why not buy your house, then have her move in. Your parents get used to it eventually. Then one day you get married. You invite them. Then even if they don’t come you’ve done no wrong. Don’t do it behind their back.

Well then yes, YABU. And a little immature.

You seem to have sucked up some very dubious moral values from your parents if you are happy to prioritise not "wasting money" on rent above actually living a life with honesty and integrity. What impact do you think that has on your partner? You don't seem to have considered how this will be impacting her, at all, you laying down these ultimatums that are all about your comfortable living standards which apparently involve you also pretending she doesn't exist and this being no problem for you.

I suggest you move out on your own, grow up and reflect on how you are treating a person you claim to want to marry and spend your life with.

If that's the only question then yes, absolutely YABU.

This. Otherwise you won't be able to live together. Get your own home and marry whoever you want.

Frankly I can't believe this is a serious relationship that will survive marriage if she's prepared to be treated like this and you are approaching the whole thing in such a cowardly and immature manner.

How would your wife feel about being hidden from your parents and not living with you? That's not a marriage.

Is your gf renting already? Half of the rent for 6 months is most likely cost less than a divorce.

does she want to move areas too or are you planning to give her no say on where you buy a house as it’s your money?

I say no, you shouldn’t just get married in secret and move out. You should move out first then tell your parents you are gay and engaged. They might cut you off but you don’t know for certain they will.

be a grown up.

You’ll have to include this women on your mortgage application if you wait until after you’re married. They want to know if other adults will be living in the home. So really, you should be getting your mortgage sorted and moving out alone now.
You’re still meant to tell the mortgage company when she moves in, but it’s just easier for you to get it all in place first before you’ve married her.

If you’re going to do this you should at the very least have enough respect for your parents to tell them and leave their house.

What protections of marriage do you have in mind? All it will mean is that if you split you will have to give her half of the value of the house so it may have to be sold if you can’t buy her out. If she’s put in an equal amount that’s ok otherwise you will simply lose money as well as your home.

You should think through the protection of living with someone before you marry and really knowing if you’re domestically compatible.

If you've spoken to your intended future wife about it in these terms, like you've posted here, then I am surprised she has not ended the relationship already.

I'd never marry before living at least independently but hopefully together you only know yourself as an adult once away from your parents