To wonder why more men don’t get the snip?

[Rainallnight]

When their family is complete.

Sparked by two (separate) people I know who recently got pregnant with or gave birth to their fourth child. Both shared freely that it was an accident - contraception failure. Life with 3 DC is full on and a bit of a struggle already in both cases. Neither felt abortion was an option for them.

When you’re 3 DC in and your family is complete, why on Earth are the men not going for the snip to bring an end to it all? And stop birth control being all on the woman?

From speaking to male colleagues and friends in the past, they think it's emasculating.

Thankfully, DH is booking in for his. I'm done having kids now, and we both agreed it was "his turn" after years of the pill, coils, etc. I hate hormonal contraceptives and I also don't particularly like condoms. So he's sorting it and I've come off the pill over the last few weeks.

I'd have zero respect for a man who watched me go through contraceptives and their effects, pregnancy and childbirth, and still expected me to carry that weight.

"I'd have zero respect for a man who watched me go through contraceptives and their effects, pregnancy and childbirth, and still expected me to carry that weight."

Condoms?

They're not 100% reliable. I know this from a previous relationship and a pregnancy that I terminated. Not doing that again.

It was his decision, anyway. I told him I was tired of the pill. He immediately offered to get the snip.

That's the thing isn't it? The best ones decide to do it themselves. There's no tit for tat, because they want to share the load.

I think that's definitely the case. I've got a few friends, older than me, and they're still gruelling away with all sorts of moodswings and hormonal issues because of BC. Their DHs just won't snip it because they're convinced it makes them "less manly". Bizarre. I don't think I've ever wanted to jump the bones of my DH more than when he offered to do it! (And I definitely don't think he deserves a pat on the back. It was just nice to feel part of an equal pair.)

Fragile masculinity in lots of cases, I think. And selfishness.

I think it's fear of erectile dysfunction or something like that; feeling that they'll be emasculated; and also for some probably the thought that they may want more children one day eg in a new relationship.

Hormonal contraceptives really didn't agree with me and my mental health even suffered so I had the non-hormonal coil for many years. I went into shock when it was inserted as the pain was so severe (so much more than labour for me) and I know two other people this happened to in my own friendship group. I won't go into detail but my body's reaction was unbelievable. A quick Google afterwards made me realise we were not isolated cases.

We relied on condoms in the short period we were having sex (not regularly) between two pretty close pregnancies but this was because if we did have an accident in that time frame we would have continued with the pregnancy as we knew we wanted another baby and fairly soon.

Now we have agreed our family is complete, there's no way I would rely on condoms - they often break and I really don't want another baby. I would personally find a termination really difficult so would not have one unless required for medical reasons I think.

I would also lose respect for my husband if he refused to have the snip (resulting in me getting sterilised) after knowing about how the coil affected me, after seeing me carry and birth our children (including a traumatic birth and a complicated pregnancy) and recover from two EMCSs.

DH won't get one because he's scared of pain and complications. I think he's a baby.

I'm not taking contraception any more so condoms it is. He hates them and complains about them often. I tell him to get a vasectomy every time.

Masculinity is such a pathetic argument - are they confusing it with castration?
I had my kids young, no way was I going to deal with BC for another 20 years! But he was already so on board, and had the snip while I was pregnant. Worked wonders for our sex life, and no more moodswings for me 😂
But I suppose the kind of men who wont, are probably lacking in other ways. Perhaps their partners have a higher tolerance for rubbishness.

I know someone with two daughters who isn't keen on getting it done as he'd like a son, even though his wife said she's done. I assume he's hoping she'll change her mind in time.

The less manly thing is weird, they still feel horny, ejaculate

I feel whatever I say in this debate, I'll be wrong!

It's not without risk, and if someone said to you, take this operation, but your vagina could have a dull ache forever, I'm sure a lot of women would think twice about it, now I'm not saying women don't suffer greatly and have the shitty end of the stick, women have a lot of options, for men it's this or nothing, well condoms.

I looked into it a couple of years ago and the waiting list was like 2 years, this was post covid so that could have had something to do with it.

When I was in labour and my child got stuck, I had about 30 seconds to decide if I wanted an episiotomy or a section. I knew the risks. I personally know one woman who ended up with double incontinence and prolapse from childbirth.

But, we wanted a baby. DH couldn't do it, so I had to. Thankfully my episiotomy healed well, but my fractured tailbone still hurts daily.

The other BC options are many, and all abysmal for lots of women. I've had allergies to copper coils, I've had months long periods from pills, mood swings, severe depression. I'm also allergic to latex so regular condoms are out - and they're not reliable.

So DH, not being a great big wimp after watching his wife go through all of that, carry, birth, and feed his two children, got the fuck on with it and acted like a grown up.

The waiting list was 3 weeks.

Oh no. A dull ache? How could a woman ever relate to that?
Fair enough, men only one option. But if they don't take, the woman has to do something. Men choose to opt out. Women can't do that.

Agreed! I think they must do. That or their pain tolerances really are severely low. 🤣

Coming off the pill has been life changing here too. Luckily my sex drive was never affected, but the moods and the weepiness. It was constant. It's like a cloud has been lifted! I cannot imagine forcing your wife to carry on enduring that because you're scared of a little snip!

@40YearOldDad you're gonna have your arse (or rather your vas deferens) handed to you. 😂

I'd genuinely be keen to know the risks of vasectomies and sterilisation. My mother was sterilised and said she had nearly two decades of problems (which she puts down to her procedure) until she had her hysterectomy - but I'm not suggesting this is common. She strongly advised me against it however.

We have completed our family but I don't yet feel comfortable with permanent options including the snip - and may never do. The side effects are rare but they concern me. I also don't like the idea of my husband not being able to have more children if for example myself and some/all of our children were killed in a car accident! Obviously very very unlikely to happen and these considerations would be outweighed if we didn't have other (for us) better options.

I actually get along very well with an IUD (which has a similar efficacy as contraception) - without one I get ghastly periods, so it isn't a burden to me at all.

I think probably if my husband was asked about it he might give have to be a bit vague or give a spurious reason, as he wouldn't have much else to say without compromising my privacy.

I strive to be an equal with my DH. We share the child raising, money making, house work etc… He couldn’t carry children so a vasectomy is his way of contributing his body towards our equality 😂

Those of you making excuses for your DH and carrying on using hormonal contraception for many years need to do some research into that and weigh up the risks vs him having the snip. Sounds like it’s an argument many women are potentially scared of?

@Gr8bolsoffyre

I completely understand your point but it's wrong to suggest/imply that hormonal contraception always carries an adverse balance of risks and benefits.

If I had no sexual partner I would still choose to have an IUD - it controls my periods and substantially reduces the risks of several gynaecological cancers. Yes there are mainly short term risks but these are v low, making it an option that's great for many women and literally saves women's lives.

Men should absolutely be willing to have a vasectomy if that's what is best for their family (and many aren't in a way that is fundamentally unfair to their partners). But it is absolutely not the best or only contraceptive option in all cases, nor is patriarchy the only reason to choose something else.

I did say women get the shitty end of the stick, by far, and it's easy on a woman-dominated forum to hear horror stories about failed coils, pill etc, but we have a lot of women here thinking it's only a mans fault for an unplanned pregnancy, surely the load should be shared, no one is forcing you to jump on your man and if you have to withhold sex to make your partner do as you say, then that's a relationship I'd not want to be in. (not you specifically Fluufer)

Men should be willing to have the snip. It's on the cards for me when i can get around to it.

Absolutely don’t dispute that for some women, carefully researched hormonal contraception can be a good thing.

Anecdotally, discussions with many friends and some of the comments on here, I know many women don’t want to take hormonal contraception long term, their DH don’t want to use condoms but refuse to get the ship because of the very low risk.

So the patriarchy isn’t the only reason but it is one that we can do something about 😂

So if a woman gets pregnant its her fault for jumping a man... but if doesn't have sex her relationship is unhealthy?

Riiighhtt...

When you can get around to it? Are you on the waiting list? Are you waiting for your wife to withhold sex before you bother?
Who says unplanned pregnancy is "only a mans fault"? I haven't seen that anywhere at all ever? We all know basic biology. But I can't get my DH pregnant can I?

So if I stay on BC and suffer, then that's my problem. If I don't and then get pregnant, that's my problem. If I suddenly decide not to have sex with my DH, that's also my problem...

Sorry, what exactly is difficult (for men) about any of this? The very rare possibility of a sore penis?

I'm wheezing at you needing to find time. It was a five minute phone call, a quick appointment for DH, and then 3 weeks waiting. He'll be in and out in a morning.

I never said that, but i am saying that if you have unprotected sex then you have a share in the consequences, I'd say that 100% of women in a long term relationship would know if their partner had had the snip, and if not and you're not on the pill etc you can always use a condom.

I said withholding sex to get someone to have the snip, you can still have sex, just use a condom. Those two things are very different.

Condoms aren't reliable. I've had them break and had to terminate.

Why are you stating the obvious? Do you think we don't know? The point is, women put themselves through years of birth control (often gruelling), pregnancy, labour, childbirth, breastfeeding. Often multiple times.

At what point do men grow a pair and take some responsibility? Because most men also complain about condoms or abstinence.