To wonder why more men don’t get the snip?

[Rainallnight]

When their family is complete.

Sparked by two (separate) people I know who recently got pregnant with or gave birth to their fourth child. Both shared freely that it was an accident - contraception failure. Life with 3 DC is full on and a bit of a struggle already in both cases. Neither felt abortion was an option for them.

When you’re 3 DC in and your family is complete, why on Earth are the men not going for the snip to bring an end to it all? And stop birth control being all on the woman?

It’s not. We use condoms, so it’s on him.

They aren't reliable

I Got pregnant through a condom

I agree OP.
Best thing ever. DH is delighted he did it. It's so nice to stop worrying about contraception forever.
There's enough to fret about in life.

It's one in 100

No risks with pregnancy of course!
Ffs.

I decided after over twenty years of using the pill/injection/coil and varying side effects I was done. We weren't planning on having more children so options were dh gets the snip or we use condoms.

We have been using condoms for 7 years.

Well our sex life dramatically improved after DH got his. Once off birth control my depression lifted and my sex drive significantly improved and also my ability to orgasm. Also I was terrified of falling pregnant again as some pretty unfortunate health things had happened to me. DH says it has made no difference to his sensation.

That said my DH was an a*hole about the whole thing and waited years to even go to the GP to get advice on it and I think it is because he is fairly selfish all round and didn't care about me or my health. We are working on rebuilding our relationship but his behaviour did have an huge impact on how I saw him. I know everyone is going to jump on the bandwagon and call me a cow and "his body, his choice" but he wouldn't even book in to get advice or investigate the risks of the procedure.

Your experience sums up what a little of people on here are saying and I'm not surprised you felt resentful.
Your husband dragged his feet to do something simple which actually improved both of your lives once done and was happy to put you through the anxiety of getting pregnant and suffering the unpleasant consequences while he decided.
So many examples on here of men being selfish but expecting their partner to be the exact opposite.
As in many areas of life unfortunately.

Yeap. And when you actually read the studies and see how this long term pain is actually defined, it's even less concerning. Most of it isn't permanent, and most is the kind of pain women deal with monthly anyway.

This answer is the main reason I think. I think a lot of men think like this. Unfortunately.

Why should they. A lot of men feel it takes their manhood away. In any case their body their choice.

It depends on the situation and the relationship they are in.

If the man is in a stable, long term relationship with a female partner who has been through pregnancy/pregnancies and now wants them to help prevent further pregnancies then I think they should be prepared to discuss and consider it.

But if the woman doesn't want more kids then by being sterilsed she doesn't have to worry about contraception any more. The DH/Partner having the snip only protects her as long as they are together. If she ends up with someone else then she's still at risk of pregnancy

I mean I don’t think current wives, partners, fiancées should really have to be worrying about his possible future fertility should they split.

And if they do with regards to her. I hear there’s a few snipped men on the market every so often.

Yanbu. A woman is only fertile for a few days out of every month, a man is fertile every day (assuming normal sperm count etc).

The onus should totally be on the man to prevent pregnancy rather than a woman having to deal with contraception that messes with her hormones and so often has undesirable side effects.

My husband doesn’t want the snip so we use condoms (very carefully as there’s no way we want an accidental pregnancy).

I imagine that most married women (or women in relationships with children) imagine they’re going to stay together when these conversations arise.

Female sterilisation is a much more complex surgery, never a minor procedure, so it’s inherently more risky. Depending on the version you have, it can result in immediate menopause, with all the implications that has to health and well-being.

If sterilisation is the contraceptive of choice it makes much more sense to sterilise the man.

She’s not ‘at risk of pregnancy’ with someone new if she tells them they’re not coming near her without a vasectomy or a condom.

Same here. We did condoms for about 6 months. Then he got the snip. Best decision ever for both of us.

I don't think I know any women who want their husbands to have a vasectomy and they refuse. So in all the cases I know of, it's a joint family decision not to have one or just neither of them care enough to do it.

Most women I know stay on hormonal contraception anyway without any issues, for a variety of reasons so the snip isn't an urgent priority. I'm on the implant and would remain on it for period reasons even if my husband were snipped.

And it's hard to make that final call that your family is 100% complete and you'll never want another child under any circumstances. We're 99% sure we won't but if our feelings or circumstances changed while we were still an age where we'd want another, maybe we'd have one. Why risk regret if our minds or circumstances changed?

The key words in your post are "joint decision".

It seems many women find the man in their life makes a unilateral decision to not discuss or consider the op rather than considering their partner's view or, in some cases, their partner's health & wellbeing.

I think a lot of men are still holding onto hope that they'll end up with a younger, better looking woman at some point who will be desperate to have his babies ..

If you don’t think 98% effective is reliable then I don’t know what to tell you. Regardless, the contraception isn’t on me.

Yes. They are hedging their bets even if not a leaving the wife situation but a the wife dies or whatever. They want to be as eligible to the youngest attractive thing they can attract.

A 20- mid 30’s is likely to be in the I want my own children stage. A rich but snipped 40/50 year has zero chance unless he lies that his not snipped.

Which actually with the letter of confirmation of his infertility now long gone I wouldn’t put it passed some men. Then when they fail to get pregnant. Well it can’t be me love as I’ve already have 2/3/4 children. Let’s just focus on the ones I have your their step mum after all and then we can enjoy the grandchildren inbetween having holidays. He smugly says.

I think a lot of men simply aren't willing to accept a tiny fraction of the risk, pain, inconvenience or indignity that women often have to go through in pregnancy and childbirth. Unwanted pregnancies also have much greater consequences for the woman than they do for the man.

After DC2 we were both very clear we didn't want more children. My perspective was 'I've put up with the side effects of hormonal contraception since I was a teenager. I've been through 2 high risk pregnancies, including HG and SPD, and 2 very long, painful labours, one of which nearly killed me. My body has been through enough. So you have 3 choices: you have a vasectomy, we use condoms or we don't have penetrative sex. If you choose condoms I won't be responsible for remembering to buy them, I have enough to remember'. DH's perspective was 'that's fair enough, I don't like condoms and they're not reliable so I guess I'll be having the snip then'. If he'd tried to argue, complain or pass the responsibility back onto me id have lost respect for him to be honest.

She’d need to demand proof of the vasectomy, not just take his word for it. Many men would lie if the alternative was condoms.