Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

Yes it seems we are shallow, immature and cold. Or is it that some people were like that before they had children and only having a child changed them for the better?

You seem classically offended, unless you can relate and i’ve hit a nerve?

prior to having children I had the benefit of being oldest of 7 siblings. By 10 years at least. So no, I’ve never been “like this before kids” as I practically had them around me my whole life so knew how all-consuming they are. So yes, people who didn’t grow up around lots of younger siblings and family do often come out with rubbish unfounded notions on parenting.

Tbh I have a couple of friends with no kids, I can't WAIT for them to have kids so I can see them in the trenches to see if they still think "why would it be so hard?"

You're not a friend.

@Midlifecrisisxamillion neither were they! 😉

Yes it was quite satisfying watching bil attempt (unsuccessfully) control his wilful two year old after several years of patronising comments

Ditch them, they’re horrible people! Honestly.

Who are? Childless people?

I have two types of mum friends - those that have maintained an identity outside of parenthood and those that have been enveloped by it.

For example recently we had a couple of families over for lunch with kids ranging from 2-4. We ate, drank wine, talked about life outside children (like work and house renovations) and also played with the children.

As a contrast, I also have friends who have left weddings to put their kids to bed because they’ve never not done it even though they were safely being looked after by grandparents.

The OP’s friends.

So, you begrudge your friends enjoying their life before they have kids?

You know, for the most part, children are a choice, and if you view motherhood as being in the trenches and suffering, it just comes accross you made the wrong choice, which is your issue, not anyone else's.

Unnecessarily harsh. Maybe parents who take their kids on every friend date are the real dickheads. It really doesn’t need to be ‘them vs us’ by using shitty language.

I kinda hope they choose to be childfree and continue living their best life.

@wateringcanface absolutely having a child was my choice. I enjoyed my life before having a child, too. I visited most part of the world, I learned 4 languages (aside from my native language) and studied in two different countries.

When I had my baby it was very rough for a good few months, because he was a reflux baby and we had a lot of worries and concerns about his weight gain/eating patterns etc. These people I'm talking about are the type of people who say "you just take your baby everywhere", "why would you need a break?", "you just put the baby in the crib and he sleeps there" (hahaha!), all of this in a incredibly judgy voice. So yeah, I can't wait to see them how their life will look after.

So no - in short, I don't begrudge them living their life before kids, but I can't imagine how people can be so naive!

@wateringcanface or the "you sleep when the baby sleeps" advice from child free people. Honestly, it's weird and I never did it before I had my baby.

@ItsNeverAMannequin they're ttc

Some of us are lone parents with no help. If my friends wanted to see me, it had to be with DS. Luckily mine were very understanding!

See her without your toddler.

I don't know what she meant by the comment, but there are differing levels of motherhood.

Most of my mum friends were like me - obviously loved our kids and enjoyed discussing their achievements or the funny things they did, and sometimes we met up to do toddler related activities. But we were all people in our right still, not just "a mum" and we also enjoyed child free meet ups and having normal grown up conversations that didn't revolve around kids, and possibly a glass of wine!

But one friend was incapable of not talking about her child. It was her sole topic of conversation. It was boring. In the end we just stopped mentioning the non-child meet-ups to her.

Have you accidentally fallen into this category?

I wonder how many of the parents of older children, who start threads about not having any friends, took the trouble to maintain their friendships with non-parents? Or whether they dismissed them as ignorant dickheads?

She is, but she should have been a lot more diplomatic and asked if they could see each other in the evening/without toddler. She didn't have to be all dramatic and make OP feel bad about herself.

@readingismycardio

There is of course generic advice that is thrown out, most people if you said "that doesn't work" and then you explain why, would go "oh ok" and stop offering that generic advice, in terms of the judgyness, it might just be that you have particularly obnoxious people in your life, as I don't know anyone like that, or rather, I wouldn't be friends with anyone like that.

I do however understand friends distancing themselves from friends with young children who do seem completely consumed by being a mother. The majority of my friends have babies/toddlers/young children, I have an interest in their kids, i like to hear about them, I occasionally like to do fun things with them, i am however invested in my friendship because I love my friends, I'm not that invested in their children, and it can be incredibly boring having conversations / activities dominated by someone else's kids. Majority of my friends just seem to have mastered the balance.

I understand that balance is harder to achieve when you have no childcare, children with additional needs/ challenges etc. But a friend isn't a bad person in need of a rude awakening if they have little interest in socialising with you if that social activity is going to revolve around your child. They don't need to be taught a lesson about the challenges of parenthood.

Yes I have a life beyond it—it’s just not the same life I had before. Yes it was my choice to have kids—but I can’t revert back to childless. My kids are my kids, no matter what age they are. I respect that it’s different for you. Please respect that my experience is different to yours.

@Thefirstdance

but surely it does change as they get older? As in they get more independent, develop their lives outside of their parents etc and so you have more time and energy for yourself and your own hobbies, interests, whatever made you tick pre-kids basically! Dont neglect yourself!

I have children of my own and there was a difference between the mums whose children became part of their life and the mums who's whole lives changed and revolved around their children.

Maybe you are the latter? Nothing wrong with either approach.

Thank you for your kindness 🙏🏻 . I didn’t want to derail the thread. I just wanted to make the point that for me personally, I have been changed forever by having children (and childless people naturally quite often don’t get that) because OP felt that her friend did not understand and wanted her to miraculously become who she was before kids.
My life is very different now and (for me personally) I cannot be the person I was before. I’m not saying other people can’t be their old selves.
I’m more anxious about everything now. I still struggle to sleep—even though my kids are now teenagers and sleep well into the afternoon if left undisturbed. The not sleeping has changed my life beyond all recognition. I was a keen runner, that was my main thing—but since kids I have had recurring injuries every time I run which means I have had to give it up.
I’m not ‘just a mother’ I get that I am my own person and I can have my own interests—I just don’t feel like the same person, or that I could ever get that other pre kids person back.
It’s the sleep mainly I guess. I’m still exhausted all the time because of my insomnia. I’ve been to the doctor but I don’t want to take sleeping pills(highly addictive) and they won’t refer me to a sleep clinic unless I try pills first. I am seeing a counsellor on NHS to try and deal with the sleep.