Friend told me I’ve lost myself in motherhood

[Whattheeff8767]

Feeling a bit hurt and confused. I have a 2.3 yr old, friend has no kids. They have recently said when I’m with them and I have my DS my attention is completely taken with my DS. In my view this is a standard part of having a toddler that they don’t understand, not some failing on my part. In their view I have lost myself in motherhood and need to get myself back.

Maybe I’m taking this the wrong way but feeling a bit as though it’s like I’m doing something wrong by being absorbed in being a mother. Or maybe I’m too absorbed, don’t know.

100% what @MrsBennetsPoorNerves said - word perfect!

I'm another one who finds the concept of being totally absorbed my motherhood very odd and no reflective of my own experiences at all. I am exactly the same person as I was before having DS. Yes, it's changed my life in that, for example, I now have to get up at 7am on a Saturday when DS gets up but it's changed nothing fundamental about me. DS' needs are a priority but not necessarily his wants.

Oh dear... Sorry you had a friend 'like this' but the OP's friend may never have a child. About 20% of the population don't. Sounds like you want to punish the poor woman for voicing her (acceptable) opinion. I think the poster who advised seeing the friend without the child present got it right.

@Whattheeff8767 You're not doing anything wrong and what your friend said is not necessarily mean.

As women, we often lose ourselves when we become mothers. Our whole life, conversation and everything else becomes centred around motherhood and that's not always a good thing. You are a woman, mother, friend, daughter etc, and it's sometimes a good thing to have someone who is brave and kind enough to remind us of that.

I remember my sister and I going shopping/lunch one weekend as my mother had our children. When we sat down to eat my sister asked me what I'd bought for myself - absolutely nothing, but I'd bought plenty of stuff. She'd also bought nothing for herself. Everything in the bags were for the kids.

If you spend some time on MN you'll see women saying they can't find time to shower, go for a 15 minute walk, read a book etc. No-one else has that problem but us.

Have a think about it and see if there's anything to what she's said. There may be some truth in it. And a good friend should be able to tell you uncomfortable truths sometimes.

"It's a good thing you're not judgemental." Well you appear to very judgemental to the OP's poor friend whose only crime appears to be not having a child. Why would you want to punish someone you don't even know for a choice you made?You made the choice to have a child so it's up to you to suck it up and not berate those who have taken a different path.

Brilliant post! I feel I can leave the building. Nailed it.

Honestly it's difficult for us to say without being there.

I had two under two and generally met up with other friends with similar age kids and we'd shoo the toddlers off to play together and we'd could talk then.

I had a friend who had a baby much later than I did and she definitely used to absorb herself in every element of her DS when she was with him.

Sitting reading stories to him etc I guess expecting me to watch her?

I didn't like it much because I couldn't see the point of us getting together unless she thought maybe I was there to be the audience for her parenting?

I'm child free by choice and have never once been a dickhead towards my friends with kids, you speak for yourself.

Your friend is rude and ignorant if she actually said that to you bluntly
It's part of motherhood that your priorities change, not a character flaw!
Is it possible to meet up without your DC or change when you meet your friend?
Do you have " Mum friends" who are a better fit for you at this stage

That’s you—and congratulations to you. I barely remember who I was before kids. I’m just stating my own experience. Sorry if you find it depressing but for me it is reality.

I didn't lose anything, I just gained elements to myself.

That. I might not have had as much time for the things that made me 'me', but they didn't disappear. Motherhood brought me growth (huge growth) not diminishment.

Are you one of my friends talking about me 😂😂

People saying ‘just see her without your toddler’ - well, yeah, maybe if she’s your #1 priority friend, but for most people, if someone demands to see you without your child for 2-4 hours, then they’re asking for 100% of your child-free time that week. Even in a couple, if you work all week or your partner works while you do childcare, then at the weekend you have a day as a family and swap in on the other day, then it’s half a day a week max to yourself. That’s if you’re lucky enough to have a partner who does their share. And sometimes when that happens you don’t want to be out, you want to kick back with a book or some TV or whatever at home.
People who haven’t bothered spending time around small children or finding out how time- and attention-consuming they are, especially at 2, are wilfully ignorant and should not be going around making comments to others about their parenting. Spell it out to this woman how many hours a week you actually get without your child, how much paid babysitters are per hour, and what could happen if you take your eye off a two year old in a public place, then ask her exactly what she’d like you to sacrifice to achieve her ideal.

I'm not sure what OP you've read, but the OP here has not said that her friend has demanded to see her alone. Friend has simply said that OP has lost herself in motherhood.

It's posters on this thread who've suggested that OP see the friend without the children.

@Thefirstdance

That’s you—and congratulations to you. I barely remember who I was before kids. I’m just stating my own experience. Sorry if you find it depressing but for me it is reality.

But respectfully you know this is a choice, right? I know having small kids is overwhelming. But it doesn’t go on forever and you haven’t signed a contract saying you will remove all traces of yourself in perpetuity?

You can have a life beyond being a mother.

I think I’m pretty much the same as before I had DS, if I think about it. Motherhood certainly hasn’t rebooted my personality or anything.

Of course a small child needs to be watched and they're very demanding of their DM's attention so if your friend is CF why not meet less often when you have childcare? As someone whose CF I can only offer this to explain how your friend feels imagine going out to lunch with two friends, the two of them chat together all through lunch but hardly speak to you,nearly every time you speak they talk over you wouldn't you feel left out/annoyed/as if you would have been better not bothering? If it happened every time you met you'd stop going. People will say a child is different but it's not when it's not your child

WTH. We are programmed to prioritise the tiny vulnerable children we bring into the world, it’s entirely natural and doesn’t last forever.

It is a truly wonderful thing the love and enjoyment of motherhood will only add to a persons character. It adds depth, maturity and warmth in many cases.

i probably wouldn’t enjoy my friendship with this person, and would look to pull back and spend time with people that didn’t place expectations on me at this point. I would find this too much like hard work.

@Whattheeff8767 Have you ever had any coffee/dinner out)/takeaway nights in (after child has gone to bed) with your friend in 2.3 years? Or do you always bring child with you to everyone - even when the child's dad is at home for example.

Context is needed here..it is absolutely impossible to have a conversation with a friend when you have a toddler..maybe she is asking for some child free time with her friend?

But if you have done and have had a balanced friendship then yes she needs to understand that the times you have toddler, you need to be focussed on them for their safety and attention.

It isn't easy navigating friendships when one of your lives has changed massively. I had a friend similar then when they had kids they realised...

it is absolutely impossible to have a conversation with a friend when you have a toddler

No it isn't

As OP hasn;t come back, we will never know if she can see her friend without her toddler, at least occasionally.

Did you miraculously stop becoming a dickhead when you had a child as your comment suggests otherwise.

Your comment suggests the childless lack so many character traits.

You sound absolutely pathetic, are you sure you're not the toddler? Grow up.

The “I am by a mother it defines me the old me is gone” posters are I imagine parents of under 8s? Because I can assure you the intensity wears off and you damn well want to go back to doing things for yourself again.

Life is all a series of stages the baby /toddler / primary stage passes on. So nurture those friendships you will need them. I see the women that don’t and have made their whole personalty and character “mummy”. The DC WILL leave - that is guaranteed.