SIL having a party on brother’s birthday

[StarAstrid]

Just really interested to hear opinions on this.
My SIL (49) has decided to have a big party to celebrate her 50th birthday. She has decided to hold it on my DH’s (her brother’s) actual birthday as it’s a Saturday. Her birthday is 2 weeks later but she is busy then. My DH is annoyed that she has booked this date as birthdays are rarely on a Saturday and neither of his parents or any other family members think it’s an issue for her to hold the party on his birthday. He says that’s not how he wants to celebrate his birthday and so at the moment he won’t go. Is he being unreasonable or would you also be annoyed if your sibling did this? Thanks for reading.

I'd be curious to know the backstory, it may make alllllll the difference here.

If she is the 'golden child' and knows it will upset him, it isn't simply an accident that she can't celebrate any other day (and lets be honest if two weeks early is ok then two weeks later is also ok giving her a whole MONTH to pick from)...
If there is a long history of her needs/wants/desires involving him losing out..

Then no, he may not be simply being a fanny or being over sensitive, its entirely possible she is being a massive cow.

Or not. Without those details its impossible to say.

I do suspect if a woman posted her brothers birthday was being celebrated two weeks early, on her birthday... the comments would be rather different.

There has to be a massive back story of sibling rivalry here. Otherwise, she could and would have chosen either the weekend before or the one after her birthday and considered her brother. They are both behaving like children over it, one deliberately picking a difficult date and the other sulking about it despite being a middle aged man. They are both equally unreasonable on the basis of the limited information provided.

Having organised my 40th and 50th, they are actually really quite hard to schedule. When I had my 50th, I had to try and coordinate it with my kids being back from university and their exam schedule. Then there were a few key people that I wanted to be there. Also, I work some weekends so that had to be factored in.

My reaction would depend on what kind of person she is. If she was lovely and apologetic and decent normally, I would be more flexible than if she has a history of being unpleasant and selfish.

How strange - I think it's rubbish behaviour to book your birthday party on your sibling's actual birthday and I'm amazed everyone else thinks it's ok ! Are we saying that his birthday is the only date she can celebrate her 50th?

Of course she's not going to ignore it, she'll wish DH a happy birthday in private before or after the party, but shes under no obligation to grind her own celebrations to a halt for him because its HER party.

Also i dont understand why people are banging on about DH having a cake. Why should he have his own cake when there'll be enough of SIL's to feed everyone?

Personally, I don’t agree with the idea that “big birthdays” are a big deal but that other birthdays don’t matter. I celebrate all my birthdays in a modest way, but didn’t do anything special for my 30th or 40th. So it would annoy me if a close relative made my birthday all about them, especially if they had form for this.

I wouldn’t bother arguing about it though. Does your DH want to go to the party? If not, can’t he just say he already has plans?

It's not like it's a big birthday. No reason why both birthdays can't be celebrated on the same day. I would be happy with this.

I don't really understand why everyone is so down on the husband.

If it was your birthday party, wouldn't you have checked with your brother first to make sure he didn't mind your party was going to be on his day? Wouldn't that be the first thing you thought when that was the only date available?

I think the sister is really mean! Either that or she just doesn't think of her brother at all, which is still mean.

Why do you all think her party is more important than his birthday?

Why does it matter whether he minds or not? Lots of things will be taking place on his birthday, he doesn’t own the flaming day.

Your husband should reply 'a joint birthday will be great! Do you want to share a birthday cake? We'd can't have numbers on the cake though because we're different ages.' Even better if it's a family group chat.

Is he worried that he won’t win “Pin the tail on the Donkey?” Or maybe she’ll get more jelly & ice cream … either way, he needs to grow up

Why would there be an argument?

You could choose to not go and do something else on that day (seeing as it's his birthday!) , or call in for a quick drink with them and then go and do something your DH wants to do, or go and have a good time there.

Lot's of people celebrate on a day that isn't their actual birthday so there's no need to make a point of boycotting it, either go or don't go, it shouldn't really make any difference to your own plans.

This is ridiculous. Presumably he’s a grown man of around 50, not a toddler. He needs to grow up.

I haven’t rtft

At face value - Yabu. He can go have a nice time and celebrate on the Friday or whatever

If it was HIS 50th and her 53rd or something then yeah he has a point.

I’m going to take a punt and say there’s backstory / she has form / their relationship isn’t good in general

this is a manifestation of that.

Very confused as to why your husband is expected to be happy about spending his birthday celebrating someone else’s non-birthday 😂I’d be annoyed!! And if it was my 50th, I’d ask for my sibling’s blessing before booking it on their day. I’d also give them a special shout out or gift on the day.

And it's his birthday 😂Which she would have known when she booked it,

Every week there are several threads on Mumsnet of people pitching a fit because their partner didn't roll out the red carpets for birthdays, mother's day, anniversaries, etc., and yet now all of a sudden it's OK to not only hijack your close family member's birthday and make it all about yourself, but actually not even acknowledge their birthday at all while you're doing it??

Get him a birthday boy badge and go

Seems strange without knowing more about the family. Why would she do this and why would he care?

DH and I got married on Son-in-laws' 40th Birthday. During speeches we had arranged for a decorated birthday cake (also made by our cake bakers) and everyone at the reception sang Happy Birthday to him. He was really touched and it didn't stop him celebrating on that day or the following weekend!!
Your DH is being ridiculous.

I am not fused about my birthday, and I don't celebrate it but I'd be a little bit annoyed that my sister had chose to have her party on my birthday! It just seems a bit weird and rude.

If it's on or nearly on the day!
Otherwise it is pure twattyness on her part

i usually think that all problems are relative and that even if it sounds trivial to me it’s a big deal to the person/ people involved. I can’t even wrap my head around why anyone would even bat an eyelid at this - it’s annoying ME that the dh is annoyed. Unless there is a sibling rivalry backstory worthy of a Danielle Steel novel I think dh needs to get a grip!

I think it's an odd choice by SIL and the reasonable thing for her to do would've been to run it by him first but I don't think it should be turned into a bigger deal than it is.

If there’s some backstory about sibling rivalry and you think she’s fine it on purpose to take his birthday from him, he might have a point.

But I went to a family member’s wedding on my birthday a few years back - it was brilliant! I had my presents in the morning and then got ready for the wedding, which was wonderful. I didn’t mind at all - in fact I thought it was great.