To think that friends should always come before partners?

[HonestBrickSquid]

I value my friendships immensely and feel that friends should always take priority over romantic relationships. Is this a reasonable stance, or is it unfair to expect others to put their friends first?

If you're 20 and it's a boyfriend of a week, it's annoying when you get dropped for the partner! However my DH is of course prioritised over my friends - it's my husband. Why on earth would a friend take priority always over my husband? That makes no sense.

My partner (extremely STBH) comes before everyone including my own parents unless he’s making a ridiculous or childish demand, thankfully that has never happened. He is my family. I expect the same from him in return.

I’m still young, mid twenties and this is the same for all of my friends. I would never expect to come before the partners of my friends. That’s bonkers and something I would have said at 15. However, majority of my friends are in very long term relationships, married or have kids so obviously their partners come first.

I love my friends but I don’t share 50/50 of my life tasks and admin with them. They don’t come home from work and pick up the slack when I’m unwell and lie in the bed next to me at night. They don’t balance life finances with me. I don’t consider them when making life decisions because those decisions don’t impact them like they would my partner. They offer me a shoulder to cry on, advice, incredibly fun times and share lots of memories with me but my partner offers that and more.

There is room for both in healthy relationships but I do think the issue can be sometimes 1) people getting into new relationships can sometimes forget about their friends and 2) friends can expect too much from their friends if they are used to them being single. Of course your friend is going to spend less time with you when they are adding someone else into the mix. They shouldn’t forget about you though. Luckily I have very good relationships with all of my friends as well as my partner.

But why would a friend come before a life partner?

I think a lot of this comes down to the people in your life (friends and partners) accepting that you have other relationships. Sometimes your friends come first, and sometimes your partner does depending on the circumstances.

An easy way to lose friends is to pressure them into choosing you. Chances are they won’t!

You can’t force your friend into prioritising you, OP. Just take a step back and if the friendship is worth what you think it is they’ll make time for you soon.

I think there room for both and they serves. You build a life with your partner and you share experiences with your friends. Ultimately, most people focus more time energy on their partnership.

A lot of friends come and go with different life stages in my experience. Only a few, old friends go the distance. The ones who knew me before I even met DH. So I would say it depends.

You are ridiculous. My partner is the person I put above all others. He is my permanent companion through life and the person I have chosen for raising a family. We have legally and financially merged our lives to maximize our linkage and the efficiency of working towards our shared life goals.

Somehow, I am guessing that op thinks a partner is someone that a person has briefly dated. That isn’t a partner.

You said 'partners' in the title, which indicates a strong committed relationship, maybe a husband, in which case he should come first. If you are just going out with some casually, having a fling, friends do come first.

I would prioritise my dh (the father of my children) over most of my friends. I have a lot of friends (colleagues, mum friends, neighbours) and it wouldn't great if he came behind all of them!

I wouldn't expect a friend to finance my life when needed, nor would I finance theirs. I don't expect friends to bring me to a hospital appointment or cook for me if I'm unwell or vice versa. I won't have my friends parents over regularly and make small talk even when I'm not in the mood. My friends won't use their annual leave to spend time with me. I didn't make decisions about where to live, where to work whether to have kids or how to raise them with my friends.

Friends are friends, your romantic partner is family. Both should co exist without a problem. That said I didn't ditch my friends in the pub to go with my new BFs friends day 1. The process of becoming a partner or family is a very slow one where two lives very gradually merge, this process shouldn't be rushed and either party should take on the others friends as their friends too.

So, OP, since friends come first apparently, let's say you meet someone amazing, and after dating for a year or so it's your birthday. You start excitedly planning something for your birthday and then your partner says "sorry bricksquid, I cant celebrate with you on your birthday, my mate Dave wants me to watch the football with him- its the premier league final and its really, really important to him and my mates come first".

You'd be totally fine with that would you?

Bollocks you would be.

God know, DH every time, in a heartbeat.

Love this! That is exactly right.

…not since I was 15.

Yes, but she married well in the end after the inconvenient husband was revealed to be his long lost cousin.

And then she had two children, including a daughter called Persis (❤ that name when I was 11).

Samuel Taylor Coleridge has entered the chat

"Alas! they had been friends in youth;
But whispering tongues can poison truth;
And constancy lives in realms above;
And life is thorny; and youth is vain;
And to be wroth with one we love,
Doth work like madness in the brain.
And thus is chanced, as I divine,
With Roland and Sir Leoline.
Each spake words of high disdain
And insult to his heart's best brother:
They parted - ne'er to meet again!"

(From 'Christabel')

I don't understand everyone clamouring to say they've never had to choose. Of course you do, you get invited to the social event of the year, do you take DH or a friend? Your main holiday? Your graduation? Christmas? Etc etc.

To OP, woukd you be happy to be in a relationship with someone who prioritised friends over you?

I knew from a young age, that men (and husbands) come and go, but your good friendships will last a lifetime if you make time for them.

I haven't given it much thought but DH would usually come before friends unless they were in an emergency situation.

I still make time to see friends but with a DS my time is a bit more limited

No one should take “priority” over someone else. (Well, apart from your children).

It all depends on circumstances.

• A friend has just found out her DH has left her for another woman. She’s called phoned you distraught and is in need of someone. As you hang up the phone about to pick up your car keys your partner announces he’s just about to make a romantic meal for your anniversary. Your friend takes priority in this situation.

• You and a friend have just parked up at the coffee shop excited for a well overdue catch-up. Suddenly you receive a call from your partner, he’s been doing DIY in the house and cut through his hand. He needs to go to A&E urgently. Your partner takes priority in this situation.

Obviously a lot of situations aren’t as black and white. However, if you’re continually being ditched by a friend who’s spending all their time with a new partner then they’re probably not a good friend anyway.

Me and my group of friends, with kids, partners, husbands etc will always make time for each other and meet up regularly.

It's not about prioritising one over the other. If your life is pretty full, getting a new partner means having to reallocate time from somewhere else. Friends (adults!) should understand that. It's about balance. It's perfectly possible to have a relationship and maintain friendships. However, people who drop friends completely when they get a new partner (or have a child/take up a new hobby/make a new friend etc) are just bad friends.

If that was the case, why would marriage consist of a solemn, public vow that you will share all that you have with this person, and put them before anyone else in an exclusive, legal, lifelong relationship?
If spouses were secondary to friends, there'd be no point in getting married.

I think it entirely depends on the situation and context.
If you have a single gal pal and she meets a guy and suddenly ditches you constantly for her new man, it’s obviously going to feel rubbish for the “left behind” friend. Especially if it’s a passing flint and after a few weeks, he’s finished with her and now she’s crawling back and wants a shoulder to cry on.
But also it’s very normal in life, especially in your 20s or whatever, for single friends to start finding their life partners/future husbands etc. And of course over time they are naturally going to prioritise their partner. And by prioritise I don’t mean outright ditch their friends, but choose to go on holiday with their partner that summer instead of a girls holiday (if they can’t afford both, or get time off work for both)…. or they might not make a dinner you’re hosting because it clashes with mother in laws 60th birthday etc etc.
Overall though, as you grow older and romantic relationships develop and become more long term and serious, there should be room for both. If you miss a dinner with the girls because you and your partner already had theatre tickets, then make an effort to organise the girls catch up. If you can’t make a Saturday brunch date with your best friend because you and your partner already had a day trip planned, suggest going to the cinema with her next week. It’s all about balance. But ultimately I would always choose my boyfriend first, because he is my family, my life partner. My friends get that, and I get when they can’t make an event with me because of plans with their boyfriend/fiancé/husband.

I had a friend years ago who was about ten yrs older than me. I had been seeing my bf for a few years then. Whenever she got drunk she used to say all this stuff about how men come and go and how we should always be there for each other etc. I knew even then that it was just immaturity on her part. That bf is now my dh. We’ve been together for 30 years, bought a house together, had dc. They come first, they’re my family. That’s how it goes for most people. If that’s not for you, you need a network of people that combined will give you the support that you need in your life but it’s not the same thing as a partner/ husband/ wife. If people do have that, that’s what they will be most invested in, especially with dc.

I wouldn't expect a friend to finance my life when needed, nor would I finance theirs. I don't expect friends to bring me to a hospital appointment or cook for me if I'm unwell or vice versa. I won't have my friends parents over regularly and make small talk even when I'm not in the mood. My friends won't use their annual leave to spend time with me. I didn't make decisions about where to live, where to work whether to have kids or how to raise them with my friends.

Long term it's this - you are building a life with a long term partner.

Though I grew up despite no religious background with stable marriages as did DH - so that will be influencing my outlook.

Also life planning happens over time and if OP being ditched for latest lasts a minute guy I can see why she'd be upset.