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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think that friends should always come before partners?

238 replies

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 15:20

I value my friendships immensely and feel that friends should always take priority over romantic relationships. Is this a reasonable stance, or is it unfair to expect others to put their friends first?

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 18/10/2024 18:47

Partners aren't always life partners, friends are important to keep and shouldn't be shoved on the back shelf.

Didimum · 18/10/2024 18:49

My partner (now husband) was and is the priority. I’m not buying property, building a life unit and going to raise children with a friend. Prioritising your partner and treating your friends like shit isn’t the same thing.

Marblesbackagain · 18/10/2024 18:50

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 15:28

Tell me you prioritise your partner over your friends, without telling me you prioritise your partner over your friends.

Em, yes because that's the norm. Your partner, person you may have made a legal commitment to be each others family.

You do sound very immature, have you ever had or have a partner?

JustAVeryWeirdWoman · 18/10/2024 19:15

I do think this sort of question is really about something else. There are many people who are single for long periods of time, or even for life, whether out of choice or out of bad luck. People in this situation may feel abandoned or even angry when their friends pair up and inevitably reduce the amount of time they can dedicate to friendships. Neither party is in the wrong, really, it's just a natural process that sucks for the single friend.

So what are the options for perpetually single people to receive love and care as well on a regular basis, or to feel that they are also someone's priority?Unfortunately, in our atomised society, there aren't many options. This is something worth thinking about. We can and should be, as a society, more open-minded to different types of communities, households etc. that are not exclusively based on romantic relationships or blood kinship.

Of course, that's not easy to think about or design either, and there's high potential for tensions or even starting a cult (ha), but there are some studies that show co-living, intentional communities, co-housing etc. can bring an increase in happiness levels. However, a person would still have to move on to a degree from friends who choose the Western individualistic family unit model, and try to find like-minded people. So... you can't freeze in time the friendships you had when you were 20, and the importance you had for your friends then, either way.

User79853257976 · 18/10/2024 19:32

So if at some point you are married with a newborn you still think your husband should prioritise his friends? 😂

CrowleyKitten · 18/10/2024 19:40

they're important in different ways. my best friend and my husband have both been around for more than half of my life. they are both extremely important to me. if either of them wanted the other gone, they would be the one that's gone.

friends before boyfriends of a few years or less, definitely. friends before life partner, no. they're both important for different reasons.

Glitterblue · 18/10/2024 19:42

I prioritise DH over friends but have plenty time for everyone.

BalletCat · 18/10/2024 20:57

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 15:28

Tell me you prioritise your partner over your friends, without telling me you prioritise your partner over your friends.

Don't see what the problem is. That's normal. Partners come first before all things, you are a unit, especially when there are children.

NeckolasCage · 18/10/2024 21:02

HonestBrickSquid · 18/10/2024 16:51

What the actual fuck? That sounds like some serious projection and the biggest reach I’ve ever seen.

Nerve. Touched. 🤭

usernother · 18/10/2024 21:22

One thing I have always hated was the friends (they are no longer friends) who would have no time for me whenever they got a boyfriend. Then, when they split up, they would get back in contact to use me for a social life until they met someone else. I have friends who I've known for many years and I make an effort to stay in touch and socialise with them, even though much of my social life is with my OH.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 18/10/2024 21:31

Definitely prioritise my partner, and he prioritises me.

when our DC were younger they were the priority. Empty nest now and DH grows in importance. We’ve both had health issues which have made us temporarily dependent/vulnerable and goodness I really understood the meaning of partnership.

my friends are important but it’s not even close.

EarthSight · 18/10/2024 21:40

NeckolasCage · 18/10/2024 21:02

Nerve. Touched. 🤭

Indeed.

FiletMignon · 18/10/2024 21:47

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/chat/5190433-ive-just-walked-through-the-door-after-a-much-needed-week-away

A thread from somebody who is prioritising her friend over her DH and her children. Replies are unanimously telling her to place boundaries with her friend.

Family comes first. Always and without exception. And partners are the closest family, especially when in the thick of raising children. Anybody who disagrees has boundaries that are not in keeping with the norm. Fight me on this 🤷‍♀️

I've just walked through the door after a much needed week away ... | Mumsnet

It was a weeks holiday to get away from lots of stress. Lovely break just what I needed. But .. I walked through the door, exhausted, to a message fro...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5190433-ive-just-walked-through-the-door-after-a-much-needed-week-away

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