To think that friends should always come before partners?

[HonestBrickSquid]

I value my friendships immensely and feel that friends should always take priority over romantic relationships. Is this a reasonable stance, or is it unfair to expect others to put their friends first?

Well I had a breakup with someone who never became a proper partner because over [quite a long time] he was busy prioritising his friends, even on special occasions.

I think the partner thing is a red herring. Of course it's normal to properties partners. Partners are usually a person's main family, not a casual boyfriend.

From your updates though it seems that you're really asking is whether it's ok to prioritise new and less central relationships, at the expense of your old ones. This crosses the friend/romantic line. I would never prioritise a brand new friend over my husband of 15 years. I would also never prioritise a brand new friend over my best friend of 20 years, or over my parents. But that's not because friendship trumps romance, it's because those networks of support are embedded into a mutual reliance and love. By the same token, I wouldn't prioritise a new romantic partner or a sibling who I'm not close to over a very good friend needing me.

Having said all this though, when you get down to it, very rarely are there situations where you genuinely need to rank your relationships in this way. If your friends aren't making enough time for you, it's time to re evaluate the friendship. Are you expecting too much from a friendship where people are busy? Or are they taking you for granted and not as invested? The boyfriend I think is almost secondary in all of this. The problem is a mismatch in what you want from your friendships, and what you're getting.

Because I havent built a joint life with my friends. I dont share a mortgage with my friends, I dont share a child with my friends, I dont share finances with my friends. If I wanted to move to Australia for example, I wouldnt check my plans first with my friends to ensure they were on board with it because they were coming with me, nor would I expect them to upend their lives to come with me, as I would with a partner.

Surely this is quite obvious?

Sure, but when that life partnership dissolves because one party wants to have sex with someone else (and, lest you accuse me of cynicism, look at the divorce stats), surely it makes more sense to regard as friendships as more stable than your relationship with the person with whom you shared finances, credit score, children, bodily fluids, NoK status, children, until you suddenly didn't.

Friendships dissolve often too- google "my friend ghosted me" and you'll find literally hundreds of posts about it

You have to invest time and attention and have fallings out and convergences with a new potential life partner in a way that is just not true of friendship. You need to know each other waking and sleeping and build a shared life with aligned values. You become part of each other's kin group.

By the time a relationship is truly a partnership then partners come first.

If you are just dating, boyfriend/girlfriend then maybe friends come first.

But partners, spouses trump friends.

That said, I do 'ship' Legolas and Gimli, so I'm not the best person to answer.

Totally! Bros before Hoes!

As much as I value my friendships - dh is my husband and father of my kids. He’s my best friend. I would always prioritise him before friends.

I’ve not been in a position where I felt I’ve had to choose & I can’t imagine a scenario where I would need to?

Boromir would not have gone off the rails if Aragorn had ditched Arwen for him. Gandalf and Sauron had one hell of a back story. Merry and Pippin's marriages did not last.

I think the problem becomes one of time and need plus money doesn’t it.

Say you are single no caring responsibility’s just work and home. Then you have every night and weekend to catch up, go out have a natter with friends and family. You also have nobody who’s always there as a sounding board, an emotional help, a travel buddy and so on so friends fill all these gaps.

Add in a partner and now that’s taken some time away, your partner is now often your sounding board and emotional help, you also now have more time restraints as it’s not just your friends and family, it’s now spending time just with them, spending time with their family as well as your own often, what might of been yours and Becky going for a holiday together so you where not alone is now you and your partner going. That’s now less money/annual leave to use for friends.

Then you get married and have children. Now you’ve got even less time for the friends because the children and nuclear family time trumps all.

It’s about how relationships including just friendships have to change and evolve as we get older and have more commitments in life.

It’s not dropping friends like hot turds that’s wrong but it’s about knowing that an every other day catch up is often going to slip into a once a fortnight or so.

Doesn’t mean you’re not friends you are all just bloody busy. I’ve got friends I’ll talk to once a week others I might not talk to for a month, it’s never strained though it’s always like we only spoke yesterday when we do catch up.

At this time I am single my best friend has been married 20 years. It would never even occur to me that she should put me first. Friendships change when partners and kids are in the mix. Just because you are not the center of their world doesn't mean the friendship is flawed.

You’ve never been in love by the sound of it OP. You’ll get there one day.

Ok, Anne and Diana or Anne and Gilbert? Right answer: Anne and Leslie Moore ONLY.

It's a difficult one but friendships do change when a friend gets into a relationship

It's tough on the one that feels left behind

I wouldn't put anyone at all above a member of my immediate family. My immediate family are my DH and my two children. It really is that simple in my mind. Friendships matter to me, but my immediate family are first every single time, no questions.

This is the big problem with Maid Marian IMHO.

I've never had to choose, not sure when or why you would unless one party was causing problems?

My partner has been in my life for 13 years and we don't have close families so we are each other's top priority. We spend so much time together and we consider each other in major decisions we make about our own lives.

I love my friends to bits, I'm probably as open with some of them as I am with my partner and I make a lot of time for them - I'd cancel plans with my partner if a friend needed me there urgently. But we've each made decisions like moving far away or taking jobs with conflicting work schedules because we each put what's best for ourselves, and if applicable our partners/kids, above what's best for our friendships. Now my ideal would be for all my friends to live near me and pop in and out of each others houses, for our whole lives, raising our kids together, but sadly it doesn't often work like that in our culture.

Look at how the knights of the Round Table ended up.

No, my friends generally would not take priority over my partner of 34 years and the father of my dc. My friends are important to me and I would be there if they needed me, but if a choice has to be made they come nowhere close.

Also, because they are my friends they know their place also understand that he and my dc are my family, the same way I understand it is the same for them. It might mean at times we don't get a face to face catch up for a while, but we are ok with that.

Obviously when not in a fully established relationship it is not as black and white.

It sounds OP, like you need your friends and expect more from them than they are able to give at whatever stage of their life they are at. I think this might be a you problem rather than a them problem.

My best friend was my best friend for 48 years. I would not have expected her to prioritise me over her husband.

I think family should come first.

Sometimes, friends are family. A romantic partner? It depends.

And then if you have friends who are family and a partner who is family and blood relatives who are also family...

How do you pick between family? It's an impossible choice.

I think you worded your question wrong and that is why your getting this response. If you meant to say my best mate of 15 years has got a new fella and now has no time for me. Yanbu. However the way you asked it your not taking into account their are people who have been with their partners for decades and have children with them which in this case yabu

@LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain, was Leslie Moore the gorgeous blonde with the unfortunate husband situation?

How do you make a lasting and meaningful partnership with someone who's your booty call when your pals are busy? Building a partnership takes time. And new romance deserves a honeymoon period!

Unless the friends are friends with benefits or blurred boundaries in which case the group is weirdly enmeshed and any prospective partner should run away fast.