To think that friends should always come before partners?

[HonestBrickSquid]

I value my friendships immensely and feel that friends should always take priority over romantic relationships. Is this a reasonable stance, or is it unfair to expect others to put their friends first?

I think something shifts when people start getting serious, married, kids etc.

I think many of the early problems I had with motherhood - 2 years after marriage were DH long term friends and family suddenly almost competing and getting demanding for time and attention. They were a bit off after our marriage but first pg was a huge change - lot of fatherhood shouldn't affect DH insisting it should all be on me and often I and baby didn't matter or would be fine- thankfully DH wasn't daft but did cause some tensions.

We then had another moved and new baby- and everyone was full of demands fuck all support we had each other - found that again few years later - so yes its now us together against the world and priority though most times there's compromised to be found. .

Prior to that - I was happy enough to be considered not always prioritized - and personally would be annoyed to be dropped for new romantic interest every time new one came along - but understanding there may be less time together.

Yes! The one with sea-ropes of hair who rested her head in Anne's lap and called her Queen.

How old are you @HonestBrickSquid ?

You are coming across as young. Early -mid 20s or maybe emotionally immature / naive.

In the throes of early relationship ecstasy - I have had the occasional cancelling of plans with a friend as she has met a 'gorgeous guy' - no worries, we caught up again soon after to gossip about the date - no big deal.
If this friend kept cancelling on me repeatedly, I can see how this would be annoying - this has never happened to me.

If you find this irritating - just wait until your friends have babies. Cancellations are much more frequent and can be last minute all because a baby is simply sleeping or just vommed or has a temperature or ............................
Build some resilience for the spawning years.

Once you’re married and especially if you have children things are very different, your friends aren’t going to share your life in the same way, they're not going to be there sharing the load with you when you, your kids or parents are sick.

When someone gets a new romantic partner, they usually take priority for a few months. Once the novelty wears off, they re-invest in their friendships again.

I think it’s just part of life and a lesson to learn, that many learn the hard way, not to get too caught up in a new romance and drop your friends. But, like most things, it’s easier said than done (especially when you’re young!).

You will probably make the same mistake OP when the time comes. I always found that the “I would never ditch my friends for a man” girls were the first to disappear the second a man looked at them.

Once you’re out of that first relationships stage, when people marry etc or are in a committed relationship, their partner becomes their family and will often ultimately be number one.

Ditching all your friends for a guy with a motorbike when you’re 17? Not very wise. Prioritising your long-term partner and life together over a friend? That’s just life!

I don’t think there’s a hard and fast rule of who should “always” be prioritised. A friend’s big birthday would come before a random date night with my partner for me, but similarly, if I had plans in advance with my partner to do something, I wouldn’t be free for a last minute girls night.

I think everyone finds the balance that’s right for them, and I don’t think you can begrudge anyone their choice on that front OP. It sounds like you are single and therefore prioritise friendships. This is likely largely based on your current circumstances. When you’re more to juggle, somethings gotta give.

Also, sometimes friends have a different view of the friendship, and it maybe just isn’t as important to them.

I mean, if you're dating a 17 year old Sirius Black...

So you accept that the mature person prioritises their partner? Not sure why you asked the question, on that basis.

I’m not sure whether you think that would be a good thing or a bad thing 😂😂😂

When you're very young and you're dating a lot, it's normal to prioritise your friends over someone you're just starting to know. However, once you are in a long-term relationship or married, friends inevitably move down on the priority list. This doesn't mean you should abandon or ignore your friends altogether, of course. But unless you all live in a commune where you share everything with friends, including home, bills, illnesses etc, a live-in life partner is more important and makes more of a contribution to your day to day life.

It's normal and it works both ways. There is nothing more annoying and pathetic than a grown man of 40 who has wife and kids at home but still thinks his drinking mates are the most important thing in the world.

This is not a straightforward choice OP. You are clearly coming at his as someone not in a very long term relationship (nothing wrong with that btw).

A boyfriend of 3 months vs friends? Friends obviously.

My partner of 13 years vs friends? Him every time.

The only humans above him on my scale of importance are our children.

I'm thinking about it...

It's an interesting question, because both partners and friends can be fickle and come and go. Most people in committed relationships would prioritise their partner, but we've all heard the horror stories of partners randomly walking out one day. It happens.

My ideal would be a stable, committed relationship with someone I could trust, and they would come first, but also to keep up with friendships often and make room for quality time with them. Your partner coming first doesn't mean that your friendships are unimportant. They can be almost as important as your partner, as they are to me.

I dunno, I've learned that people can really surprise you, so I prefer not to put all my eggs in one basket.

There's room for everyone but yes friends come first. They were there first and they'll be there if the partner leaves.

There's room for everyone but yes friends come first. They were there first and they'll be there if the partner leaves.

What if the partner was there first?

You sound like a teenager..

My EX DP had this mindset...

YABU. There’s not a blanket rule, surely it depends on the circumstances and whose need is greatest at that particular time. A good friend will understand you putting your partner’s needs first if it’s the right thing to do and a good partner will understand you putting your friend’s needs first if it’s the right thing to do.

even if you've been married 20+ years, friends come first?

My BFs I have known for 40+ years; I have known DH for 20 years - but my friends come first? You're nuts!!

Christ no, he is the father of my children - that is incredibly massively important in a way no friend can be. And I really love my friends.
I would never give a kidney to a friend, for example, but I would to my DC or their dad!

Ditching your best friend's wedding for your boyfriend of 2 weeks is a bit rubbish.

But my husband and father of my child would always be my first priority over my friends. He is my life partner. He respects my friendships and would never stand in the way of them but if I ever had to choose between him and a friend, he'd win every single time.

I think you might be missing the point as well, that for most people their life partner is their best friend. So if they slide into the main seat for "friend I see every day and live with" then everyone else bumps down one notch.

Well, this is definitely a way to make sure the partner leaves.

.

Depends on how long you've been with your partner and whether you have children together I think.

It's wrong to drop friends and you certainly shouldn't back out of already agreed events because of a new partner, but over time things tend to move on and if you have children they will always be your priority. Doesn't mean you drop your friends altogether but it is normal to see them less.

I completely get this. But life changes - I’ve lost friendships I treasured because of life events. I value my friendships more as a result, because I know they’re not immune to things changing. I work hard at the ones that matter to me because I know they’re not indestructible. The ones I’m not bothered about survive or don’t.