What is with the English, affairs, and divorce?

[BoundaryGirl3939]

Everyday when I visit this website I see a post about a husband having an affair, or a suspicion that he is cheating, or an irritation that he is getting to close to a female friend. I see mumsnet as an accurate description of what is going on in English society, and the levels of infidelity shock me.

I'm Irish, and believe me that the men here are not perfect. We have high levels of addiction (alcoholism) and dysfunction (anger management) but the infidelity is definitely not as commonplace (although it does take place but not as frequently). Yes, Irish marriages/relationships break up, and adults may get a second life partner after a relationship has died, but the actual 'cheating' is not as common and is scandalous if it does take place.

I find it shocking that an average man can contently sleep with another woman, and then go home to his wife and kids. My mind boggles that a woman can feel like she has a right to encroach on another womans husband and take a father from his family.

Anyway, this thread is turning childish and immature, with silly insults being thrown about, so I'm bowing out. Good luck!

Are you serious? Your thread title is one big giant insult. If you want to have an adult conversation about something, maybe rein in the old hyperbole.

We have no clue what nationality most posters are.

It’s rife in France. Honestly!! And almost common knowledge to be honest. I think maybe in the uk, women have set red lines of marriage and relationships in a very traditional way and perhaps that’s why. Bear in mind mumsnet is a certain demographic and not necessarily representative of the whole country. In France for example I get the impression marriage is much less ‘official’- so many people here have kids not married and when I explained to a colleague that I chose my DH over another guy at the beginning of our relationship when we were dating, because I felt he was a really reliable partner and wanted to take it further, she nearly spat out her coffee and couldnt believe I based my relationship on such decisive ideas!! Rather than just follow my heart through life with no thought to the long term- I honestly think that’s how many people here see their romantic lives. I know lots of single mums and men that have kids and are separated from the mothers of their kids. I find it quite sad! Yet some of them find it liberating. One of my colleagues has 3 children from three different men. Never wanted to marry any of them!!

It reminds me of that survey they did in the 90s that showed the average UK man had had sex with 10+ partners whereas women had only had sex with two.

When you worked it out, unless there was a heck of a lot of British men going overseas to shag their way around the world, it was impossible to be mathematically true.

People lie to themselves, God, their partners, and the pollsters.

It's utterly amazing that you managed to assume the majority of posters on affair threads are English and that as a result their husbands are. That you then not once thought to consider that users are far more likely to post for help than bragging about happy marriages, and instead theorised that the issue is English men.

Then you took the time to type out your post, never once considering that it was (a) offensive and (b) based on nonsense and ignorant assumptions? Surely you're on the wind up?

@Gwenhwyfar i wasn’t being entirely serious. Although, thank you for raising the tone of the chat with a Graham Greene reference! I like that.

I agree it’s definitely a thing many people do. My DH is in a WhatsApp group with some french men (old acquaintances from a previous employer) and they often talk about the girls they are seeing. Some of them have shared photos. We know they have wives!!!!! And kids!

Surveys about infidelity tend to show what people are prepared to fess up to. What we need are surveillance cameras. Possibly men and women from different nations could be let loose without spouses on a remote island. Carnal activities, or lack of them, could then be recorded by hidden cameras. My prediction is that it would all turn out to be much of a muchness. Maybe those from socially less liberal countries would actually go wilder.

No one knows the level of affairs. By their nature they are generally kept secret. All we know is what we can glean from divorce stats where the reason was infidelity and some research relying on self disclosure that is unlikely to be conclusive. What you can't draw conclusions from is a sample of threads on MN from people seeking advice about affairs, any more than you can draw conclusions on the extent of alcoholism in a population by doing a head count at an AA meeting. Research any relevant data then assume some extra for the ones that never got found out.

Don't you realise that all the women whose husbands aren't cheating don't post about it?!

An Irish friend told me that in the not so distant past, if a man was having affairs, or ran off with someone else, it was always the wife’s fault, and even the priest would tell her that if she’d been a better wife to him, it wouldn’t have happened.

Are you sure? Ireland has the most active love cheats in the world, new study finds - Irish Mirror Online

No I heard it from looking around, you should try it. Why do you think porn is so successful? Men like variety.

Ah listen…my whole family are Irish. I’d say it’s as common but people are more inclined to say nothing and get on with it due to mortification/shame etc

my mum is 1 of 9.

we are all fairly confident like 95%+ one of cousins was not fathered by my uncle and the wife was playing away. the mother had a string of men during and after their marriage ended and genetically my cousin sticks out like a sore thumb (6”2 and tans easily in a family of ginger/ blonde milk bottle midgets…on both sides)
my uncle ONLY divorced her because her behaviour was so bad/open he basically had no choice

My DM also KNOWS another one of her brothers who was a charmer def was shagging one of her SILs (not his wife!) ie his brothers wife! and suspects he shagged another SIL but has no proof.

She and a few others also suspect one of the older brothers is a half brother or possibly cousin but everyone is so old who cares….

my mums family were considered highly respectable and a bit ooh la la back in the day…

I'm Irish, and believe me that the men here are not perfect.

Look to your own. I'm an English woman. Married Irish men have pursued me for sex, which they didn't get. I know of married and single Irish men having affairs with married Irish women. I could name names, but of course, I won't.

The reason you think your country is less 'active' is that you hide more. Hidden pregnancies, hidden abortions, hidden and buried babies, hidden affairs. Don't talk about it. Say nothing. Your friends who know, they won't tell. Even I don't tell.

I drop hints from time to time.

I was born in Ireland and most of my mums family is still there.

I can assure you that plenty of them cheat. However, they are less likely to divorce and less likely to talk about it openly outside close family. Maybe not even then. Unless the OW causes a problem and it becomes well known.

Many of my cousins also know people who have found out their fathers have had second families. Often it’s an open secret. One, (in Ireland) found out because her hairdresser mentioned it to her, thinking she already knew.

Besides which. MN has lots of Irish posters. And Welsh. And Scottish. There’s posters from all over the world. But Irish, Scottish and Welsh posters are not a rarity here. So how are you convinced they are all English. Or married to an English man?

I think the “in my opinion”, “I could be wrong” “I don’t see it” bits of your post clarify why you haven’t got the responses you might have thought you would hear🤔

It’s sort of the same as me saying “I think the moon is made of cheese”. There’s nothing tangible to support your personal theory mentioned.

I think the OP is probably racist towards English people and there's an unconscious bias picking these things up.

There are a lot of Irish people who like to smear the English at very opportunity (I'm Irish btw)

The problem is OP you don't seem to have applied much intelligence to your post. In my everyday English life I'm not aware of any infidelities having taken place amongst people I know, which seems much the same as you. Mumsnet is a website that people specifically seek out when they find themselves in these situations and don't want to speak to people about it in real life. Therefore of course you see more infidelity here.
I've never met anyone who has been involved in wedding dramas in real life, however nearly ever post relating to weddings is about a drama on here. Does that mean all English weddings are like this?

Erm

https://www.irishmirror.ie/lifestyle/sex-relationships/ireland-most-active-love-cheats-23930948

I mean, it's one silly survey but I'd say - don't be so sure!

I'd love to see what would happen if English people started being as anti-Irish as the Irish are to us 😂

I think the attitudes to marital infidelity differ between countries (and obviously between cultures). I get the impression that say, the French, take a much more sanguine view of extra-marital affairs - is that the case in reality, though, or just a cliche?

Oh stop it op, Irish person hear and yes it absolutely does happen to the same level and extent in Ireland. One of my friends just came out of a marriage (not because of infidelity) and has started dating again, and she’s had to join a FB group called “Are We Dating The Same Man” and some of the stories on there are absolutely shocking.

The posts about cheating partners usually appear because the affair has been discovered

What's not to say that Irish cheaters are just more careful about not being caught?

Or how do you know that the Irish aren't just turning a blind eye to the affairs on their marriage?

Just because you don't physically see any Irish affairs, doesn't mean they don't happen, the whole point of an affair is that's conducted in secret.